I would like some coffee
I'd like it's macrame of smell
to envelope my mind
with it's gentle caramel
And how it's taste can melt
The coldest place in your soul
I lack the space to write the words
that would describe it as a whole.
And without it's presence
Without it's reassuring break
We'd all be walking sleepers
As each morning we try to wake
It's smell will draw you in
It's taste will beg you stay
The life that it provides
Will last you through the day
It has a kind of light
That's in every drop it holds
This invigorating elixir
Is worth it's weight in gold
*Edited... twice. Thanks everyone*
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138,162 Literary Works • 672,077 Reviews
Okay, this is a good opening. It involves our senses and takes us into a world of coffee.
This helps with the set rhym scheme that you have set up. A-B-C-B, it's different, but it works.
The only thing that I can see wrong is the "And" at the beginning. The last stanza ended in a period so you could either change the period to a comma, or change the beginning of this stanza. But if you like it this way then leave it, it's your work not mine.
Here, you might want to add some commas in between some of the lines. It sounds like a list of a sort.
Okay, you might want to add another period here. You ended one of the stanzas with a period, so you should continue with the punctuation. The rhym sort of went off a litte when you added the "s" to hold.
Over all it is a very good poem, and although I do not share your feelings on the drink. I can say that many people do. It involves our senses and pulls us in. Just work on the punctuation and you'll be set.
Teddy
two I'm trying to do one hundred reviews in five days, so that's the reason for the number. xD
I've never found starting a poem with a statement the best way to start, it rather annoys me. That, of course, is down to personal opinion rather than fact. However, it is up to you, so if you wish to keep it, you shall.Okay, I liked this poem, it is one of those light hearted fun ones anyway I think we shall start instead of wasting time, do not you?
Eh, this might be down to my lack of knowledge on the subject, but isn't macrame a texture? Oh, I get it now, just a little too confusing? Maybe rephrase it to make the sentence more coherent? 'Its' does not have an apostrophe, as it is showing possession, not abbreviation. Furthermore, I'd like its? I think you mean I like its, the tense is a little odd.
Going against all the types of imagery I love, I really like this line. The imagery is so simplistic, yet so effective. I can really see a brain sandwhiched in between things.
Again, possessive not abbreviated. Also, it might just be me but I wouldn't say coffee tasted of caramel, I'd say more... yeuch? Ha, I don't really like it, it being coffee, not your poem!
You've used the incorrect imagery. You imply here, that coffee takes the cold away, whilst you mean it heats you up, yes? For if we try to promote something why simply undo the negative whilst we could create a positive?
Hmm... again I think you need to rewrite this line, you don't really mean you lack the space, you mean it tastes too nice to be able to describe, yes?
Nix the latter part of this sentence, what are you going to describe it as, if not a whole?
Haha, seriously, contrary to my love for complicated, abstract imagery I really adore yours, it's so light hearted and fun. Both it's should be re-written as its.
Eh... the life that it provides will last you through the day? Na uh, if it provides a life why will it only last you through a day?
Its. Would not most elixirs be worth their weight in gold?
Okay, I liked this poem. It was light hearted and fun, I think I'll do a smaller critique than usual though, as I don't have too much to say about this one.
"Look mummy, it's a dog, its tail is wagging!"
Apostrophes are really easy to use when you get used to them. Perhaps some practise wouldn't hurt.
It's just, when you post with terrible grammar, everyone's going to focus on it instead of your poem, and that is rather annoying, I am talking from experience.
it's indicates abbreviation. It shows that something has been shortened.
It's snowing outside
It's fun to play
It's nice to be happy.
See, all of these are abbreviations of it is:
It is snowing outside
It is fun to play
It is nice to be happy.
Yes?
Its indicates possession. For example:
Chasing its tail
Playing with its toy.
&c. &c.
If you need any more help with apostrophes perhaps look at some knowledge base articles?
Imagery
As I've previously said, I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem.
At times you got things a little mixed up, positives and negatives, etc. but most of the time it was a delight
My favourite type of imagery is abstract, complicated imagery, with deep philosophical meaning behind it. Yours did not have this, but it was interesting. It was lovely and fun, light hearted and childish.
Anyway, this was a lovely poem on a rather controversail subject
Good luck with future writings, PM me if you've got any questions, and if you revise it PM me so I can come back and re-review or so to speak;
~Kirsten
This was an interesting piece. The title is what drew me in. you pretty good flow until the last stanza. can see that most people got your errors. This piece was fun. *Gold Star*
Again, score again. You are amazing. I love coffee so much an this poem described it so beautifully. I love your work to death. Good job again.
Favorite line~
I never thought you could use "macrame" like you did but you managed to pull it off. Awesome!
Hahaha! I love coffe! this is relly fun to read. I liked some of the unique ways you described coffee.
It has a kind of light
That's in every drop it holds
This invigorating elixir
Is worth it's weight in gold
Amazing! You are a genius! And coffee is the best thing in the world.
Five million gagillion gold stars!
Okay, again with the punctuation issues, but that just might be what you're going for; I dunno. The flow and rhythm is flawless here, and the rhyme doesn't seem forced at all.
That said, you are brilliant. Keep writing!
Bravo. I even decided to get coffee a second chance after reading this.
Edited, thanks.
no capital on "the".
I don't really understand that part, did you mean 'weight' instead of 'wait' ?
I'm not a fan of coffee, but i think this poem is great !
It flows evenly, some parts are better than others,
and some parts i would personally change, but overall,
i think its wonderful. You are definitely a good poet, and I'd love to read
more of your poetry.
I hope this might have helped.
Have a stupendous day !
Hiya Forever! Here as requested!
I would add "as" before "we" to make things clearer.
General grammar nit pick: Turn every "it's" into "its" when you're talking about the coffee
~~
Flow: You have a pretty good flow here until the last stanza. I find the syllable pattern doesn't fit well with the other stanzas. I'd re-work the lines so they're a bit longer, so that they fit better with the other stanzas.
Rhymes: None are forced here, which I like. I would try to re-work the rhymes in the last stanza so they rhyme a bit better. By adding the "s" to "holds" I find it throws off the rhyme.
Theme: I don't drink coffee, but you do paint a nice picture here. I can certainly tell you like coffee. I'm not that fond of it, so I won't comment on any more then that.
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey