It’s all but some threads on the tapestry
They are mangled and frayed, you laid them low
The insignificant ones, nobody sees
In the dark corners where no one will go
You’ve hidden them under deep denial
Maybe as well as if they never were
But you know that this is the true trial
Can you trek to truth and avoid the blur
Can you reminisce your twilight of May
And the bright fields you thought you’d always know
Until you wilted and hid your soul away
And concealed your face to wallow in woe
Clothed in shadow your old light always seems
And shattered to pieces your hopeless dreams.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,427 Reviews
It’s all but some threads on the tapestry(.)
(delete these unecessary words) mangled and frayed,
you laid them low(.)
The insignificant ones(no comma)
nobody sees(,)
in the dark corners
where no one will go(.)
You’ve hidden them under deep denial,
maybe as well as if they never were.
But you know that this is the true trial.
Can you trek to truth and avoid the blur?
Can you reminisce your twilight of May?
And the bright fields you thought you’d always know?
Until you wilted and hid your soul away,
And concealed your face to wallow in woe?
^---- I'm not sure about the punctuation and structure on this one. It doesn't make much sense @_@
Clothed in shadow
your old light always seems
And shattered to pieces
your hopeless dreams.
Hi Forever Threnody ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your review as of right now xD
I really like the idea you have going on here, but it's really messy and out of place to be honest.
I'm not sure what you're talking about. First it's something about a tapestry and then threads and it just keeps jumping to random subjects that don't flow well together.
I did a few things to your poem, some explained and others not. I broke some of your paragraphs down because the lines were too long. I like the idea you had in your mind. The translation from your mind to words was just a little messy.
I am not the person really to critic a sonnet I don't know enough about them. But I am the person to ask if you’re in need of some positive reinforcement! Hehehehe well even though I don’t know much about sonnets I can see that imagery is beautiful and the rhythm is breathtaking! You have talent! =D
But as an ignorant I must say that I didn’t follow your “you”‘s I get the odd feeling that you changed who you were talking about, or that who you were talking about changed... I am thinking this because of these two lines:
"You’ve hidden them under deep denial
Maybe as well as if they never were"
And
"Until you wilted and hid your soul away
And concealed your face to wallow in woe"
I get the impression that the world is scorning the speaker in the first line. And in the second I get the impression that, that same person is now cowering and shriveling
Why is same person who hid them in denial wallowing in woe?
This is what your ignorant reader sees... if this isn’t what you want them to see you might want to change it.
Over all this is Amazing! As I had said in the beginning =) this is good writing and I love reading it because it drags me into the speaker’s feelings! Thank you so much for posting this, it is art!
Here as requested!
I had a hard time getting past these, actually. The sound patterns between them are rather disjointed, and it jolted me right out. I had to read them out loud to get past them, and even then I didn't like them that much. Which is a shame, really, because on their own they have very good imagery.
These two lines don't fit with the four-line structure of the poem. I personally feel them to be unfinished, and they don't fit perfectly together. The "and" doesn't fit with the "seems" and methinks you are missing a word in the second line.
Other then those four lines I really liked this. The imagery was done well, and it flowed rather nicely.
I think you could stand to go deeper into the emotions. This tugged a bit at my heartstrings, but not as much as I'd expect for such a powerful theme.
I would watch out for extra-long lines. I find poems tend to flow better when the lines are all about the same length. I like my eye to skip over lines of the same length and find I get more enjoyment and emotion out of a poem when they are all relitively uniform.
Overall, a very good poem, but you could stand to clarify some ideas.
Hope I helped!
~Rosey
Hey, Forever Therondy! This is TexanWriter talking, here to critique your poem!
Positives:
This was beautiful! The rythem was amazing. It seemed like each line brought peace to my heart, somehow. Not to seem to sapy, though
Negatives:
This doesn't really seem to fit in with the rythem for me.
Other than that, WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!