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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hey Threnody! Nice poem! I'm going to do a stanza by stanza review of your story. I will be as helpful as possible, but poetry isn't my thing. Anyways! I'll get on with it.
I will go ahead and agree with Murtle, I don't feel like your title really captures the poem. The title is there to be eye popping, and yours is definitely eye popping, but in a sense it would turn away certain readers.
Have you found peace inside your head
Your body sighs with pain
But your eyes watch a sunset we can't see
And I hope that somehow you're relieved
This stanza is well written, it's a great way to start things off. I believe the third line is about death. Nice job there! That's a very interesting way to say she sees her fate coming.
They say that this is a country called Life
And that it is run by a fool
Who cries like a candle in such arrogant sorrow
And traps us in tears of wax - we are insects in amber!
I think that 'continent' would be better in place of 'country'. I like the overall idea of this stanza, and you convey it clearly. My only complaint is the third line. I don't see what a candle has to do with crying. I may be missing something, you could be using a phrase I've never heard before, if that's the case, ignore this part of the review!
And his hands! They clutch at us, breaking bones and closing eyes
As for you - I suppose he spared you of some sorrow
But you still couldn't speak as you reached your hand
Out of his grasp and into that of your daughter's
This paragraph is great. I like the first line especially. But, I would use a word like 'withdrew', in place of 'reached'.
Don't hang on for her, she hates that you can't smile
The turn of a screw is the turn of her head
And she won't loosen to face you again
You may not trust him, but follow anyway.
This stanza confused me, it feels a bit too abstract. It's well written, but I had trouble deciphering ht meaning of it. I think you'd be best off clarifying it a little.
Because this is his country, after all.
And he does not take kindly to anarchists.
(Even the ones who are right.)
I liked this stanza until the last line. It feels a tad bit snooty. I understand what it's trying to say, but people respond better to anger, or wisdom, or other emotions better than they do snobbishness. I'm not trying to sound mean, and I know you didn't intend for that line to sound rude or snobbish, but I'm just letting it know how it seemed to me. It always helps me to know what my reader is thinking.
I liked your poem overall! I personally love exclamation points, and I'd be a hypocrite to tell you you shouldn't use them in poetry. If I were you, I would keep them, but I would also try to use powerful, energetic verbs wherever I can.
Nice job Threnody! Your poem is awesome, and I hope my review proves helpful. Keep up the great work! (Also, if your name is from MBT, awesomeness! I love MBT!)
first, we are insects in amber only seems out of place because of the exclamation point. why why why would you use an exclamation point? they are precious things in literature, and when used in poetry they more often than not evoke the stupid little convention of "ah!" the lover's lamenting sigh, which just has always seemed silly to me. lose the exclamation point.
now, i found the double image of his hands closing eyes as they do to one after death and being the cause of the death (this way closing the eyes) nice, though i think it might be nicer to choose one and get a little bit of concreteness in this nebulous poem. maybe that's asking too much, though, for you to decide whether god closes eyes out of destruction or mercy.
anyway, second read reveals a lot of this poem, so that's good. it's not unreachable.
but "the turn of a screw is the turn of her head/ and she won't loosen to face you again" is not only a poor metaphor (as the special characteristics of a screw explain NOTHING to me of what she's feeling), but makes me even more confused about why she's angry at HIM and not at god.
perhaps it's a parallel? are you trying to get at that? then give us a more parallel word than "screw". just as we are disappointed in and doubtful of "our father", so she holds a grudge against hers for not being all powerful?
either way, thank you for your final side note of decision at the end. this is rather well executed. more images / tactile sensations would not be out of place, but you have a solid base. work it as you will.
good luck and let me know if you have any questions.
Oh hello there Threnody. I don't believe I've ever reviewed a piece of yours before. One of the many benefits of this lovely Review Day, I guess.
With that said, to be quite honest, the title made me a bit leery of this piece. I mean, wow. That's a pretty serious combative title there, and it looks like the type of title you'd find on a particularly preachy piece that might to better off as a pamphlet unless you already agree with the views espoused by the title, which is why I generally avoid pieces that are titled so.
But since this is in my queue of things to review, I may as well have a go.
Everything after the em-dash just feels forced and horribly inappropriate to me. The insects in amber idea literally comes out of nowhere, and while it could be a very good idea if it were developed, it's not. It's just dropped in from nowhere, and dropped back out as suddenly as it came. I think the best thing to do with the insects in amber bit is to cut it out entirely, otherwise develop it completely as an analogy in its own stanza. As it stands, it's too abrupt and brief to have any meaningful impact on the poem as a whole, except to anviliciously make a point, which doesn't really get made because the connection is so tenuous to the image.
Then there's the disconnect in actions in the next two stanzas, namely these lines:
Simply put, the chain of actions doesn't make sense. "You" let go of "his" hand to grab "you"'s daughter's, and yet "you" is still somehow following "him" despite clinging onto "you"'s daughter, while at the same time clinging onto "him" for the daughter's sake?
That sentence confused me just writing it out. x_x In any case, a bit more consistency in the chain of actions would really go a long way in keeping the narrative of the poem clear and followable.
And, much like the insects in amber line, the anarchists are suddenly introduced right before the drop out the end of the poem. You really need to tie your concepts together, weave elements of each into the other so that they work together to support each other in a cohesive whole. Right now, ideas that are supposed to be important or particularly impactful are introduced as suddenly as they disappear, and so they lose much of their power due to a lack of relevance.
I'd strongly recommend going back through and laying out your ideas/images in an outline, then seeing how you can weave the most important ones together so that they build off of and help build up the other ideas/images. It would really help strengthen this piece as a whole if the ideas were woven together into a more cohesive whole.
I love this! It gave me chills. The last staza was just hit such a chord with me, you use such an interesting metaphor and the idea of a corrupt God ruling over us and the church's indoctrinating us with religion is so poignant. Whether you literally believe in a God or not, the idea of him still rules over us in many ways. I'm going to have to read all your other poetry now, this is amazing and makes me question so much... I have no criticisms.