Young Writers Society

I don't adore this poem, but I was charmed by how passionately you defended it. I am not a fan of online critique for poetry, because I believe that it is too personal to be beaten, stretched and slashed to fit everyone's preferences.
Good for you, standing up for your work. I am truly a fan.

Again, good job. You're such a good poet. I love all of your work. I don't mind the repetition at all.
I loved the concept and the art at which you told the story. It definately does leave something for someone to fill in. It flowed freely and beautifully.

Good Job.

This is my story

I'll write it as I please

With my joys and happiness

and my broken dreams

Hiya! While this is repetitive, I love it. I think the rhyme scheme is very nice, and although it does leave a question, you meant to do that so the readers could interpret it the way they want to. Very nice concept. Good job, overall! Gold star for you.

I liked this. I can relate to a lot of the poem, especially the main idea of it. My favorite line of it had to be "It's my fairytale and my tragedy".

Now, on for the nitpicks:

and it will have my bees.

and how I might redeem

Hi! Nice metaphorical poem! I enjoyed it.

Um, I might just be reading it wrong, but the rhythm of the second two lines seems to be inconsistent. I tried tapping out the rhythm, and the first stanza has considerably shorter lines than the second, and the third is somewhere between. I keep having them come out differently when I read them. I don’t think that’s purposeful, because this doesn’t seem like free verse.

The repetition gets the point across, but it takes up half of every stanza. You really don’t have a very high percentage of original material in each, and that make this poem a bit annoying to read out loud (which is, of course, how poetry ought to be savored, yes?). It might be better if you combine and cut some stanzas so it only repeats the lines every eight lines instead of every four, or something like that. Or you can simply begin and end the poem with the lines and jam the rest of the one-slice-of-meat-on-one-slice-of-bread meat in between just two pieces of bread, thus creating a sandwich of which Atkins could be proud.

Oh, and “redeem” sounds off, somehow.

PS – Am I feeling Muhammed Ali in the butterfly-bees reference?

This made me smile. It's cute. That's all really. Sorry for the lame review.

Forever Threnody wrote:*This is my random over the top with metaphors poem. Enjoy!*

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It's my fairytale <---I think you should break up it's to it is in order to help the flow.
and my tragedy <--- This line needs a adjective before tragedy because it's lacking a syllable or two.

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It will have my butterflies
and it will have my bees.

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
With my joys and happiness
and my broken dreams

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
It has my fear and hate
and how I might redeem

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
I'll die with some nobility
or my tail between my knees

Hey Threnody! Shina here I'll be your reviewer today.

I really liked this poem. It shows us what you think and believe, and you also sound very confident. I like that. You sound positive, optimistic, and positive without sounding arrogant or conceited. That is hard to do most of the time.

I added a few rhyme scheme and flow suggestions to the first stanza I believe. I didn't touch the punctuation because I think everyone else covered that xD

Overall, I really liked the idea and it was kind of catchy.

That's all for now.

~Shina

erratik_statik wrote:you don't need punctuation... I can't believe the people criticizing you for not having it :@

Mosterific~ You are very opinionated, did you realize that? And no offense but, "my heaven's cloud" is a cheesy line. I've been cut down so many times for my repetition... I honestly don't know. But thanks for your very opinion based, and quite lacking subtlety, comments. I may try some.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

you don't need punctuation... I can't believe the people criticising you for not having it :@

..............

#810542 ">Here as requested!

So, the only nit-pick I really have is one that's been pointed out before: Redeem does not rhyme that well.

Repetition: Once you understand that the story is in the last two lines, the repetition fits. I also like the way this is more a preface to your story, rather then the story in itself.

Metaphors: Interesting use of them. You haven't given what things are comparing too, which I find adds an element of interaction to the poem. A person is forced to read this and put in their own interpritation, which, in this case, is used well. In other cases, the reader needs to come up with the metaphor.

Overall: A sweet poem that would make a great preface to an autobiography or memoir. It prepares you for something that's a little strange, but still full of meaning.

I liked it. Good job!

If you have any questions, PM me

~Rosey

This poem was purely metaphoric.

Now think about what my bees and butterflies could be.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever THrenody

Hey there threnody! How ya doin'?
I'm gonna review this for you!

Your first stanza starts very nicely. I absolutely loved it. But as mentioned above, you have a big lack of punctuation on this poem. Also, the words please/tragedy sound weird when read out loud. You were trying to rhyme right? I'm sorry to tell you, but it sounds a bit awkward.

On the second stanza, I just don't understand why you've put "my bees" and "my butterflies". Are they yours? How?

The third stanza is my absolute favorite! Loved "and my broken dreams"

The forth stanza, is really nice. I liked the part "redeem" but it does no good for the rhyming.

The fifth stanza was a good ending.

Overall: Good job. It was a great read. As for that, I'll give you a gold star *clicks*!

*Kat*

Thanks for your input.

I prefer not to use punctuation because I would like the reader the interpret it the way they would.

Yes, repetition. That is the base of my poem. I'm not all to eager to cut it down. I did change it somewhat.

Thanks everyone for their input. I'll consider some of your ideas.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Repetition is a type pf poetry, and I don't think it is fair to tell you not to do it when it is the basis for your poem. If you used one word over and over again with not apparent purpose in mind, then it would be a problem. I liked this.I think it is a good thing that the reader is left curious as to what the story is. That way they can insert their own. Some of the rhyming felt a little forced, like you shaped your line just to get that word in. Overall. I thought it was a pretty good poem.

Forever Threnody wrote:*This is my random over the top with metaphors poem. Enjoy!*

This is my story something...
I'll write it like I please period.
It's my fairytale
and my tragedy period...

This is my story comma
I'll write it like I please period
It will have my butterflies
and it will have my bees. ...nice..try to replace my with the...

This is my story
I'll write it as I please it's getting bored cause of repetitions.....
With my joys and happiness
and my broken dreams

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
It has my death and my sins
and how to redeem another word please...rhyme hurt........

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
I'll die with some nobility
or my tail between my knees. Nice ending

Overall, this leaves me with one big question: What is your story and why should I care? This poem is overly repetitive and says nothing but "My story is happy and sad". I'd rather read "your" story than have you tell me what it's like.

That said, I like the first stanza. Maybe you could keep that as the beginning, then go on to write the story, whatever it is, and how it's both a fairytale and a tragedy.

Keep writing!