In an Eggshell

Okay, so I reformatted it. Hope it's easier to read.

Wow. I'd do it in all capitals if it wasn't sort of prohibited. I'll gush over how the poem moves me first, then criticize. It's a sad poem to me...at least what I see in it. The smokestacks to away her eggshell...very dramatic. You paint a very vivid picture of an empty-hearted child who has given up on life, just waiting until the end. That, or I totally misread...
Now I will begin to critique.

Forever Threnody wrote:She was so full of sun, *I'd rephrase it as 'She was so full of sun, happiness and love" and put it in one line.*
and happiness,
and love.

So carefree. *I would say "carefree at the tender age of seven" instead of this...it sounds less disjointed and is easier to read.*
She was
only seven

And she wore that star *The same thing is happening here: here's a suggested rephrasing: "The star she wore, to her, was an emblem of power." Okay? It just flows better.*
to her it was an
emblem of power.

Until the day when the men
came and stole *I'd let 'came' be a line by itself and move 'and stole' to be part of the next line.*
her light away


And her star *It would sound better if you started with "her star" instead of 'And' I'd rephrase it a little, but the 'broken dreams' is very beautiful.*
it lies in the dust
with all the other broken dreams

At first it was *I don't really understand this line, it confuses me.*
all but a
game

Of hunger and *This is where it begins to make the rhythm sound right*
sickness and
death

of the cat and mouse *still doesn't make as much sense as it could, but the last line is pretty clear.*
Until they they took
her soul away.

And what was left was an eggshell. *Wow. That's...wow.*
A pitiful scrap heap
of defeated white

that clung to the barbed wire *I'd move this up to be part of the former stanza*
of her chicken cage.

Until the smokestacks took her eggshell, This is possibly the saddest line in the poem, because the smokestacks...I've seen the pictures in history class at school...what they did in those smokestacks...
and it floated away

This was a great poem.

I have only one problem with this, I think. The rhythm goes off in some parts though. The words don't flow much like here:

So carefree.
She was
only seven

hi

I see what you mean being more of a poetry person,

it was quite creative, i love the metaphor of the eggshell it was different, interesting.

Also like how it told a story, but in so few old word.

seems to be well thought up, and well done.

I may not know a lot about poetry (since I not very good at writing it), but I really liked it.

Hope to read more of your stuff butt i really got to get to bed,

it's 10:45 over here-later

Hey there. Welcome to YWS by the way. Or is it too late to say that?

Anyway, onto this poem.

Firstly, I should say that the poem itself was cute and sweet. It's meaning was also cute. But the problem was that there were no punctuations, capitalizations and things. This whole poem should be,

She was so full of sun,
and happiness,
and love.

So carefree.
She was (,) (And you should have added more ideas in to this)
only seven (.)

And she wore that star (.)
to her it was an ('to' should 'To' and there should be a comma at the end of this)
emblem of power.

Until the day when the men (,)
came and stole (,)
her light away (.)


And her star (,)
it lies in the dust (Cut the 'it' in this, and put a comma at the end of this)
with all the other broken dreams (It would be more better if yo put 'Shatterd dreams')

At first it was (,)
all but a (,)
game (.) (This part was too small)

Of hunger and (,)
sickness and (,)
death (.)

of the cat and mouse (The start should be 'Of')
Until they they took (,)
her soul away.

And what was left was an eggshell.
A pitiful scrap heap (,)
of defeated white (.)

that clung to the barbed wire (Should be 'That')
of her chicken cage.

Until the smokestacks took her eggshell,
and it floated away (.)

Well, it was a good poem, but it's stanzas were too short. I mean, you should have put your imagination into action and should have lenthen the lines with metaphors and idioms and things. THat was the thing that made the flaw of this poem. So, correct it.

Good luck.

This was a good start, but I wish there was more emotion. You seem to be repeating yourself a lot.

And also
going
like this
Which makes
it
really choppy.

Maybe you could condense some of these lines and put 2 or three verses together into one.

I'm getting the feeling that this is about the holocaust, so if I'm right, (or even if I'm not) perhaps some more emotions like fear and saddness would benifit this poem.

I agree I think it needs some punctuation as It really is lacking at the moment.

It was also very choppy to read and didnt flow well. I liked the message though and I think that with the right time and care this could be really good.

I loved the ending, it was reallllly effective and worked well, I think those last two lines were my favourite simply for their simplicity and structure.

Keep working at it - it has a lot of potential

Meevs
x

Hey oboemagic_1414!

Welcome to YWS, by the way. We haven't met yet, have we? Well I'm Demeter, nice to meet you.

Okay. Your poem was sweet, but I really think it needs some punctuation (you know, commas, periods, all that jazz). Right now, there's none of it. Of course, the idea of a never ending stanza or sentence is inspirating, but it kind of started to bug me after a while.

There is also a problem of a little confusingness (is that a word?). Like your poem couldn't decide whether it prefers stanzas of four lines, stanzas of three lines, or no stanzas at all. I know that poems don't have to be "symmetrical", but to me it was a little confusing.

I also think you should type "seven", not just put the number. It's disturbing.

However, I think this has a somewhat nice atmosphere to it, you just need to polish it a little. I like the last line, it's so simple yet so cruel in its own way. Keep writing!

And PM me with any questions. Have a great time here in YWS!


Demeter xxx