I tried my level best to the bestest
To keep everything right and the bond alive
I tried my best to the bestest
To keep my emotions at heart and strive
But every time and still I remember you in time
And I will always regret this
Because for me this relation is priceless
When we were together
We had awesome time.
Then, what was the need to split and fight?
Why did we indulge in blame game?
Why was it important to prove who was right?
I had many dreams with hopes which you’d let go
But I didn’t really know
I had a confidence that our bond was best and no one can come in between us
I always had faith in our bond as strongest
But the fire and steam of misunderstanding came in between
Hope it is as strong as I thought
I never want to have grudge against you
You left me without clue.
Now I am BROKEN
I don’t trust.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Only some things I thought of correcting if it is right:
I tried my level /good to the best/
To keep everything right and the bond alive
I tried my best to the/ best/
To keep my emotions at heart and strive
I had a confidence that our bond was /the/ best and no one /could/ come in between us
I always had faith in our bond as /the/ strongest
But the fire and steam of misunderstanding came in between
Hope it is as strong as I thought
I never want to have grudge against you
You left me without /a/ clue.
Now I am BROKEN
I don’t trust.
Over all the work is with feelings of sadness but it is really good also!
Good job.
Thank you
Welcome.
I like the way you started it out because right now I don't know what I am reading from other people but from you I can understand.
Also you are a good writer and I think that if you tried hard enough you could be one of the best writers on the YWS and that is saying a lot because I don't say this a lot but I understand what you are saying in your writing and if you do deride on writing another poem tell me because I would love to read it and write another review because I like you writing.
FROM,
THECATSLOVER12345
I am glad you like it. Honoured though. Blessings
I am glad you like it. Honoured though. Blessings
Hey THZ,
well that thing you wrote up there was definitely something.
I really loed it. I mean yeah its sad and everything but at the sametime it was freaking awesome.
You know what i believe DOUBT is the biggest enemy of mankind. it always ruins everything.
and hey is "bestest" really a word i mean yeah i got the sentiment with which you used it, not that I'm against using it or something, but just curious.
Anyway i liked the the way you described your feelings over the relationship.
"Now I am BROKEN
I don’t trust"
here in the last line i guess you should add "you". so it would be like
"Now I am BROKEN
I don’t trust you"
The rest I guess is good and requires no editing.
overall a great poem with amazing words.
great job!keep on writing!
Fangirl~
Thank you so much . I am glad you like and I'll keep in mind what you suggested so that next time it'll be better. Stay blessed!
your most welcome. and thanx for the blessings
Always welcome
Hullo and welcome to the site!
<< The sentence doesn't make much sense without it. I can see that line three is the same as well so it seems to have been done on purpose but it makes the lines difficult to read because the reader expects the extra word to be there. It's too close to the common phrase.Line-by-line
1. I think you could have a more interesting title. There have probably been hundreds of poems called Broken and your title is sometimes the only thing a reader will look at before deciding whether to read the whole poem or not. I usually choose that way but this week I'm looking for stuff written by new people so you're in luck
Something a little more interesting might be fragmented or you could go with something like 'The Broken house on the left' which immediately has a sense of mystery about it (though that might fit better with a slightly more abstract poem). You can always try using an online thesaurus to see what other options there might be.
2.
3. This feels like you've chosen the word strive simply to fit in with the rhyme scheme because you're basically saying I tried my best to keep my emotions at heart and try. It would actually read less forced as 'To keep my emotions at heart I tried' and the half rhyme would be fun.
4. This line is a bit awkward. People don't really use the word relation in this way and it feels jarring. I'd suggest maybe connection would be smoother or it might be fun to weave some other imagery into your poem. Perhaps you could go for a modern spin and describe the relationship as if it were two computers being joined. Like 'Because for me this network is endless/ our two screens pumping/ data back and forth like beating hearts.'
At the moment your words are very literal and that's a good early level of poetry and sometimes being minimalist works well, especially when dealing with the subjects of death or war. However, when the theme is love you have to do something new because everyone has written about love before, especially lost love and it needs to stand out from the crowd.
5. Some of your lines are very fragmented so maybe try reading through and check you're not missing words. They read a bit awkwardly at the moment. I skimmed by a few earlier but it seems to be a recurring issue.
Overall
This poem's too simple and not interesting enough for me to be honest. The two people in it could be anyone - we know only very brief details about them - that they were together and then had communication issues and both blamed the other and then they broke up. We don't know any of the specific details like what they fought over or why they were so good together before - what hobbies they both enjoyed etc. It's the personal details in poems and the strong imagery which make them stay with you. Like I always remember this one poem called the Laboratory which was about a man who had done the persona wrong so she was going to the apothecary to buy some poison to kill him and you found out a lot about their relationship just in her conversation with the guy at the apothecary about what the best way to poison him would be. She talked about how he was dancing with other girls and things like that. It also had a really good rhythm and rhyme scheme from what I remember. Maybe check it out? I found a link here: http://coplandenglish.blogspot.co.uk/20 ... wning.html
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
Thank you so much ! I'll try to overcome these errors and write as you suggested. Stay blessed
No problem and keep writing, you've got a good knowledge for how a poem should flow so I'm sure you'll get there!