I don't do poetry - I've tried in the past, and failed. I just seem to have lots of trouble doing it (and have lots of respect for those who CAN do it). This is my latest (terrible) attempt.
Our Pain
Everyday, someone complains, someone cries
For themselves, for their life, for their pain,
Blind to everything else in the world.
They shed their tears, ache in their heart; disdain
For Our pain, Our cries; comforted by the lies…
Everyday, sorrow endures, Children cry,
And still, someone cares only for selfish pain,
Blind to everything else in the world.
They weep for one, agony in heart; disdain
For Child’s pain, Child’s abuse; comforted by the lie…
Everyday, Wives are beaten, they cry,
And yet, someone looks in the mirror for pain,
Blind to everything else in the world.
They sob for one, anguish in heart; disdain
For Wife’s pain, Wife’s bruises; comforted by the lie…
Everyday, disease injures, Victims cry,
And still, someone sees only their own pain,
Blind to everything else in the world.
They moan for one, grief in heart; disdain
For Victim’s pain, Victim’s illness; comforted by the lie…
Everyday, We all suffer, We all cry,
And yet, someone weeps for paltry pain,
Blind to everyone else in the world.
They whine for one, angst in heart; disdain
For Our pain, Our problems; absorbed in the lie:
“Only I hurt.”
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Just a note-
According to dictionary.com:
Cliche'- a phrase or word that has lost its original effectiveness or power from overuse
In a poem, cliche is circumstantial. Since this entire poem's circumstance is so cliche', isn't it ok that the parts of the whole are also cliche'?
Unless of course, Sureal is hoping to win an award with this. But if you are trying to convey a message, feelings, wishes, etc.... I think it is fine.
Brad, thanks for the feedback
.
Like I said, I know very little about poetry. Unlike with fiction, where I can avoid cliches quite easily, I'm not really sure what has and what hasn't been done before. Hence any clicheness found in this poem.
Sureal,
I feel like I've seen this poem, with its lists of small events and items, and its trigger to a flashback, hundreds of times before. I expect I'll see it hundreds of times in the future. The tough thing is to generate more than simple recognition and a common cliche.
Stick to writing what you know.
All the best,
Brad
Hmmmmm.....
very interesting.
Something I will have to read again to see if it really sinks in as deep as it should.
Hmmmmm....