Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
So this was a good start to the story, but it does not really manage to arrest the reader's attention. It does not have enough content to leave the kind of first impression that you want to leave. It feels like you have provided us with a brief outline of the story and left us to figure it out on our own. As a result, you fail to build that connection with the readers or even the interest that makes them remember the story. It does not evoke any kind of genuine emotion in us or even the interest that make us want to go on with the story.
I am going to point out some places where you could have added more meat to the bone by giving us some descriptions or details.
Nick looked around the deserted alley.
Describe the deserted alley here. It would help you to establish the setting more firmly and it will engage the reader's imagination as well. You have to realize that the readers are not familiar with the structure and the ways of this world you have presented to them. You need to provide them with enough details and descriptions to paint a sketch of the scene inside their minds. Otherwise, your story will fall flat and it will feel bland because we cannot visualize anything.
He'd been lucky to leave that fight alive.
What fight? Your readers have no idea what the MC is talking about most of the time. It does not only make them frustrated but they feel even more detached because we are only going through the motions of the story without having really anything to care about. If you want to reference events, then you have to provide us with some kind of a background information so that the readers can actually understand what is going on. Here, you had a chance to familiarize us with this world and tell us more about the MC. But instead, that single reference of the fight sticks out like it was put there just for the sake of telling us this story
For as long as anyone could remember, it had been a constant battle to survive. No one knew anything but slipping between buildings, taking what they could and getting away fast.
These two short statements do not really tell us anything. If you meant to introduce us to this world through them then it was a big miss, because we have no reason to care as of yet. Its really vague, and it does not give us a proper idea about anything. Your readers are as much in the dark as when they started reading the story - one of the main reasons why this fails to make an impression. You need to expand on your points, give us more details and help us understand what is going on.
Overall, you have a good story. Your writing style is rather well developed, and you seem to know where you are going with this. Now you just need to translate that idea onto paper so that your readers can share in it as well.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Points: 82352
Reviews: 659
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