"Psst, Clark!"
"What'sat?" Clark looks up with bleary eyes.
"It's time."
"Oh, right!" He grabs his books and heads out into the hall.
I pocket my notebook and follow. No way this Marian character was going to catch me off guard.
The X-ray room is a nondescript, off white, like the rest of the place. The hall outside is tiled in black and white.
She's waiting. I give her a nod.
"Hi," she says. "I'm so glad to meet you."
"Yeah. I'm Adam, and he's Clark."
"Hi," says Clark. He spreads his hand to indicate the North Wing. "What are we meeting here for?"
"Well"- there's a sparkle in her eye- "it'd look suspicious if I went to your quarters."
Clark grins. "Touche. Come on, you didn't ask us here to discuss the weather."
An orderly walks by, and we all assume blank faces. It's one of the survival tricks of living in a government facility.
"I know a way out," says Marian. "I can show you, but promise not to tell anyone."
"Who would we tell?" I cross my arms behind my head. "There's nobody here we really trust."
"Good point," she says. "Come tomorrow night at seven, same place."
"Roger," Clark replies with a grin.
I exit the North Ward feeling excited and wary at the same time.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Sons of FirePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Thanks, all. And Ryter, hi. I'm glad you think so much of "Clone."
You've done a pretty good job so far. The dialog doesn't quite seem natural to me, but for all I know this could be set in the kind of future where language has changed dramatically.
You obviously have a plan for where this is going, but it seems like you're a little anxious for feedback.
My suggestion:
Finish whole parts of an idea, with details and maybe a bit of background info, and leave us at a slightly larger cliffhanger and you'll have a really impressive story. The only thing you've shorted us with is length. But you've read plenty of those replies. No need to mention it here.
Keep on writing! You can only get better!
The chapters are short indeed! I read through all 3 chapters before I could think of a critique. But other than that, it's a nice story so far! However at this point I'm not too clear since you're putting more action and I can't say much on what's behind the action. Like your previous comments, put more of a story/background/history etc. there and that might create more attractiveness to the plot.
But other than the order of your chapters, everything's fine, really! Loving it.
I think usually the beginning of a story would have these type of things. Unanswered questions that makes the reader curious and wanting to read more. By the 2nd chapter at the most probably you should be done with the exposition. Here I think you're still at the beginning. Dragging the exposition too long might let the story lose it's suspense(well, at least for me).
Well, if I'm picky, my apologies.
still interesting, but for chapters there pretty short. you could make them a little longer. i cant wait for chapter 4!
Once again I enjoyed your story though, also once again, you fail to tell us things and expect us to understand them. Such as why in the heck they even want to escape. Is it bad in the government building? And if they lived there all their lives why do they suddenly want to escape? Give us more details about the girl and have their converstation be just a bit longer with more details and/or a basic overview of they're escape.