Thump, thump-thump... My hear hammered in my ears. What was wrong? Sure, I'd just taken PE, but still... I couldn't think as waves of pain crashed over me.
"Ben? Are you ok?" Wes asked.
"No," I moaned. "My head..."
Wes raised his hand. "Coach, Ben needs to go to the clinic!" he yelled across the gym. I winced.
Coach nodded and scribbled a pass. "Get better soon, Ben."
I didn't remember much of the trip to the clinic. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a bed with the nurse hovering over me.
"How long was I out?" I asked her slowly.
"A good three hours," she replied.
"Is Wes here?"
"No, I sent him back to class. What happend in gym, Ben?"
I closed my eyes and tried to think. "It was just after Coach Porter called us in. My head started aching."
She nodded and wrote on a clipboard.
"Can I go back now?" I asked hopefully.
The nurse shook her head. "I would advise against that. You should rest here for the day."
Feeling down, I tried another approach. "Is the new girl, Monica, still here?"
She nodded.
"Can you send her here to see me?"
Again, a nod. I let out a breath and rolled over onto my side.
Monica arrived a few minutes later. I had to strain to hear her low, whispering voice.
End of chapter
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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
i like the story, but it moves to fast. try adding a little more, even dispcriptions of the people talking.
this is very good. i am enjoying reading this.
off to chapter 3
kim
That's the thing, see. He's a boarding student. I agree about the jump though; I'll post the rest of chapter one.
Alright, there is a bit of a blank from the end of the last chapter to this one. Yes, authors do this all the time, bit I found it quite abrupt as the reader is suddenly in the middle of a completely different situation. A bit of a transition might be good.
Second, the Coach seemed very uncaring about how his student was feeling. It would be more realistic if he would talk to Ben a bit; also, teacher's wouldn't let students out of class that easily or they'd always be doing that.
After Coach Porter called them in from...what?
Also, why does he ask for Monica? He barely knows her.
And finally, wouldn't the nurse just send him home if he was that sick?