Golda didn't keep him in suspense. She frog-marched her superiors towards the barracks, setting a brisk pace. Behind her back he grinned.
*
The barracks was a cold place, built of stone and timber. It lacked the inviting air of an otter's den, Bax thought.
"I cannot believe this!" The captain, a graying dog fox, shook his head. "Three times you disobey orders, and now it's mutiny."
"Sir. These cowards have no compassion- they're-"
"I understand, but rules are rules. Sergeant Ven, relieve this cub of her weapons." Golda stood rigidly as they did so.They were going to take her cloak as well when the captain intervened.
Time to speak up, Bax thought. He said, "Sir? If it's worth anything, I did steal this weapon. Take it." He offered the sword, hilt first.
"I see... how unusual. Look here, Ven- some integrity is being shown!" To Bax, "I know there's little chance I could recruit you. Still, we're in need of honest creatures. Think about it."
Head whirling, he held up a paw for quiet. If I accept, I'm a traitor. Or so the villagers will think. If I decline- what'll become of Golda?
"Cap'n, let me show him out." Staj took a belligerent step forwards.
"No, wait! Let me tell my father. I'll be back by sunset."
"Kit-"
"The name's Bax, Jem Baxter. Looks we'll be seeing more of each other."
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Honeydew HaresPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
"behind her back he grinned"
Who is he? Describe the characters better.
Ok now I am quite confused because Staj was taking over the operations and then now they end up in the barracks. Also Staj already took everyone's weapons you explained previously, so now they're taking the already taken weapon from Golda? Also how have they disobeyed graying dog fox's orders? They seemingly have done no indiscretions against his will or word. Definitely clarify that.
"They were going to take her cloak as well when the captain intervened"
How did the captain intervene? Expand on this. We need more details as a reader.
I think it is very weird that a fox, would want to recruit an otter. The otter seems to be on the more oppressed side of things and the fox seems to be dominant. But if the otters clearly dislike the foxes, why would the commander want an otter in the army? Just because he's honest? And I'm confused as to why the villagers don't like the foxes. More things you need to describe here Stori. You have boatloads of missing information that all happen behind the scenes and the reader doesn't see any of it.
"No wait, let me tell my father"
Ok you are now required from here on forth to put in who says each and every line unless the implications are beyond obvious. You must say "said Bax" or whoever is speaking after every single line. It'll make life so much easier and less confusing for the reader.
Missing some major points here Stori, I think before you even continue with your writing you need to do some major editing and re writing because it might just be pointless to continue writing because the reader is so confused already. More because of missing information that won't become known anytime soon and should have been known in the first chapter. Do some editing, but if you do ever post again and want a review, as always I am here to give you one. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I haven't read the first chapter yet. It's a little confusing, but interesting. It should be "The barracks WERE a cold place" instead of was, right? There were a few other grammer mistakes, but they can be fixed by a quick once-over of the piece. It's a really short chapter, maybe a little too short. I'd lengthen it, if I were you. That's about it.
-tgirly
I love the story! It is quite fun to see the mutiny unfold. In a way I feel as if I have not been properly introduced to the characters. We are to the second chapter and I still do not feel connected with Bax yet. I am getting into the place and time, but I have yet the see who is here. It feels a little hurried. Do you think that maybe you could put more description in between the dialogue? It was a good story and I am excited for more!