Hi. My name is John Malcolm. I'm your typical teen except for one thing: I travel between worlds.
It all started a while back. I was playing basketball with my friends Mark and Jen. The score was 3-2-7, with me winning. I lobbed a shot and missed. The ball rolled into the bushes.
I stooped down to look for it and found myself looking into the face of the biggest lizard I'd ever seen. It was looking at me through flat black eyes.
Now, I love lizards. But this one had to be three feet tall. I hit the panic button and tried to back away. Those black eyes kept staring.
"Oof!" My back met not air but stone. I was trapped! My heart did a painful flutter. I knew this couldn't be good.
"Friend," said the lizard.
Woah. Total reality check. I was in denial. Lizards don't talk!
"Don't be afraid," it said. I was even more scared.
"I was, ah, I mean, I shouldn't be here." I tried vainly to push past it.
"Do not try to leave. The result would be most... painful."
I gulped. Was this thing crazy? Was it going to kill me?
"Faza," it said, Woah. Did that thing just introduce itself?
"John," I replied. "It's nice to meet you." Please let this be a dream!
"So, you want to know why you're here, yes?"
I nodded.
"Good. I will start with a brief history of this world. You are on the continent of Malas, in the province of Acard."
It emphasized this with a vague wave. "All of this small state is under the protection of the Lunar Stone."
"The Lunar Stone? Is it magic?"
"Yess, indeed! It is the source of magic." It waved its tail. "Without magic, thiss place would take yearsss to build."
"And what is 'this place?'"
"It isss my clan hall. I am of Oruss."
Clans. That world was familiar. The Scotts used to live in clans.
"So," Faza went on, "it isss my pleasssure to welcome you."
"Thanks," I muttered.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...this one didn't seem to have much going for it at all. It's just a little bit confusing as to what exactly is taking place because we just see one conversation and some very obvious info dumps scattered throughout. I personally can't really see any sort of story happening here, I'm just seeing a simple conversation and said conversation doesn't sound very realistic in my opinion.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Pretty good opening actually. Its definitely quite a catchy way to start things off.
That's a pretty low score. Just saying.
Totally being a nitpick here.Decent description to introduce this lizard fellow.
Not sure how he magically came to the conclusion that Faza was the lizard's name. It could have been literally anything when not put in context like this.
This hall exchange right here is what really kills this conversation. It just doesn't sound natural at all. It sounds very scripted and like it was said with the sole purpose of telling us about this world.
Aand that's about it for this one.
I didn't have a lot to say for this one. A very short review for this short piece that you have here.
Overall: So as I said I didn't see much actually happen in this one. That being said it was not bad. It was a decent little conversation to read and a fun little idea. Considering that it is at least not a very dark story it just gives you a bit of a 'meh' feeling and you feel slighty cheated by the really catching opening and the title. And the flow was decent enough too and it was pretty easy to understand what was going on.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Your piece was interesting and did a good job of introducing your storyline, but I felt it lacked enough meat. You should have had more story because It's hard to judge stories this short.