z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Honeydew Hares

by Stori


As I was walkin' through the fair
a thought occurred to me.
I'm happy as a Honeydew hare
and that's as it should be!

I spied a lassie by herself, lookin' kind of glum.
I said "I'll go and talk to her-
right away, by gum!"

She fairly took my breath away,
that maiden was so fair.
I stumbled o'er my words and said
"You're quite a pretty hare!"

"We'll walk along the beach this eve,
with starlight in your eye.
Darling, if you'll stay with me,
I'll never make you cry."


This song is for my brand-new R.P.G project, so any criticism at all is welcome. I mean it.

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:46 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there!

This is really cute! I like how you used the rhyme scheme to make it silly, but didn't allow it to become forced. You went with the flow, and it culminates in this lovely, silly end. Nice work!

The thing that I would like to address is the ending. I don't think that this song is quite done. I want to know what the girl's reaction to what he's saying is going to be. After all, he accidentally called her a hare! That's not really a compliment, I mean, when I think of hares, I think of big ears and big teeth. It would be interesting if you finished this story in the song.

Another thing I noticed is that your rhythm is a bit thrown off in several places. You use a traditional hymn format most of the time (8-6-8-6 syllables per line), which works perfectly well in music, but in several places this is broken in a way that does not benefit the song.

I'm happy as a Honeydew hare
This is one such place. It's got ten syllables, and while you can squish "honeydew" into a smaller space, the diction of the actual singer is probably going to suffer unless there is special accommodation is made for that word in the actual music part of the song. This probably has special significance for your RPG, since it is the title of the song, but I suggest changing it a bit to fit the rhythm, especially if you never actually put this to music, but leave it as this.

I think you meant to make another line in the second verse after "herself." The rhythm implies that you accidentally made a typo there. Just thought you should know.

I love the wordplay between "fairly" and "fair" in the third stanza. It made me chuckle.

Altogether, I really like this song, and I think it's fun. Work on the ending a bit, and watch your rhythm. I hope this proves useful to you. Happy writing!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:02 am
deleted5 wrote a review...



This is a very nice song! I can almost imagine myself sitting and listening to this in the time it was set! You captured the language used back then (I am presuming this is set in the past) very well and used it to it's full potential creating a very nice song! I hummed it in my head and it had a very nice jolly rhythm! Well done!
There wasn't a lot wrong with this, certain lines did stretch on a tiny bit but I think it gave it an interesting rhythm. One thing that I will suggest is that I would love it to be longer! I think it would be a great addition with a chorus and more of a story. That would be amazing and add to the all "bards-singing-this-all-happily-while-drunk" feel to it!
Overall, great song! Loved it!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:59 am



Hello There.
Well, WOW. it's really good, and really strong. And it flows so well! Brilliant, just really brilliant! In the beginning I was thinking that in my review I'll ask you to increase the length, but now, I'm thinking no way in hell. This is perfect the way it is!
Harshita :)




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Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:46 pm
Oakenshield wrote a review...



This is short but very powerful, I like it how you complimented the girl and how you put the image in your poem. I could see the girl right in front of me, really cool from you.

And now, I have that song in my head, it's stuck in my head, in a good reason, this song is written by someone who could really write good lyrics and that is you, you have stole my heart with this song.

And now you give me the inspiration to write some songs too, I like to write them so I think I go do that this evening.

Dazzle™




Stori says...


Thanks, Dazzle! I've been told many a time that my description is lacking (and it's true), so your comment was a real pick-me-up.




I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content