The moon rosas shone upon the sweet face and
She stopped to kiss the black flowers of the garden.
As they bloomed into a silver color,
she moved on to the mare in the far distance.
Her glittering cape drifted over the flourishing field
to the oceanside of still sea while she sang the siren’s call of the night.
Light, yet perfectly aligned, her voice melted
into the symphony of the pluvia ruinam.
Her lips kissed the water and the waves appeared slowly,
yet surely in the lux from the moon.
No longer motionless, the surfs drifted in a rhythm
along with the youthful voice of the rain.
As the full moon slide away into the night, the woman,
The goddess of the moon, faded into the grey hiems mist
While her voice still quietly rang in the now empty field.
She had come and gone, in only a heartbeat
And the cold breeze of the Dea Lunae disappeared
as quickly as it had come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a poem of sorts I guess.
The strange words you may not recognize is Latin. :)
Rosas -roses
Mare - sea
Pluvia ruinam -rain fall
Lux-light
Hiems - winter
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139,757 Literary Works • 672,706 Reviews
It's impressive that you managed to link two languages together in the same poem, I would never be able to do that.
Hey, Spilledink! It's erilea here for a review. Let's get into it!
1)
"Luscious" means having a good taste, or delicious. I don't think that's what you're trying to get at here.
2) I would recommend putting the Latin words in italics, in order to differentiate them, as seeing them in regular text could just look like a typo for the reader. However, I understand if you don't want to in order to keep the flow of the poem. It's completely up to you.
3) I love the imagery that you provide about the moon! It's very tranquil and flows beautifully. However, this smoothness is often slightly interrupted by line breaks. I feel that some of the breaks could be placed somewhere else in order to prevent the poem from feeling choppy. For example:
You could put the line break instead after "surely" to keep from separating the phrase "slowly yet surely".
Overall, this is an amazing poem, and it reads so calmly. I love the aesthetic that it produces. Keep writing, as I look forward to seeing more of your works in the future!
XOX,
erilea
Team Blue Arrows
As someone who has tried and failed to write bilingual poetry, I applaud you for trying - it can be very challenging to make the two languages fit each other. This looks to me like a descriptive poem painting this picturesque image of a moon goddess. I thought the overall image you presented was quite cohesive and I could really imagine the beauty of the scene with your words. Before reading the rest of this review, please note that I speak literally zero Latin and did not read the translation because I wanted to see if I could guess the words.
I feel that in most cases where you use Latin, there isn't enough context to figure out what it means. For example, with "into the symphony of the ~pluvia ruinam~", it's difficult to guess because there are a lot of things a voice could "melt" into. The atmosphere? The silence of the night? One part I could guess, though was where you wrote "in the lux of the moon", which worked, because the reader 1.) knows it's nighttime and 2.) associates the moon with light.
One text I think you could learn this technique from is "A Clockwork Orange", which is a novel partially written in an invented Russian dialect. Here's an (EXTREMELY paraphrased) example from my memory:
“I punched my fist into his litso and it was all broken teeth and bleeding like – “
Like your line about the moon, you can infer that 'litso' means mouth, because 1.) teeth are mentioned and 2.) the mouth is a popular target for punching.
Another way for you to help readers know what you're saying would be to repeat the same word throughout a few lines:
"My droogs and I went to the bar on a Friday night . . . .
He was my droog once, but not anymore . .. "
(again, EXTREMELY paraphrased from the novel)
One more thing I'd like to point out before ending this rambly review is that the curly lines you use to separate the Latin kind of break the flow for me. In my opinion, it would be better if the Latin was almost indistinguishable from the English. This way the picture forms more easily in the reader's mind, and it's always fun to make someone go: Hey! I didn't know I was even reading Latin! By the end of the text.
As a whole, your poem is quite charming both in its description and the techniques you're experimenting with. Keep it up!
I agree totally with the lines thing, I wasn't sure whether I should do that in case people thought it was like spelling mistakes but yeah I'll fix that. I put the translation in just now too
Great!
Oh I like the Latin you put in here! I'm linking my sister who studies latin (@tgirly, come check out this cool poem).
Nice language and I like how the imagery moved - lots of beautiful lines here.
Thank you!
Hi there @Spilledink I am here to do a review first things first.
what I like
Her glittering cape drifted over the flourishing field, I like this for it is just a sens of nacher in the era around me.
along with the youthful voice of the rain. I like this for I can here rain for really for it is raining were I am right now.
What needs a bit of work
As they bloomed into a silver color, mabe you should say a more color fill color like pink our blue, you don't really get silver flowers I think eney way.
she moved on to the ~mare~ in the far distance. would you mind if I asked you to tell me what mare means pleas.
into the symphony of the ~pluvia ruinam~. I don't no what these tow words mean pluvia ruinam by the way you have spelt the tow words rong.
yet surely in the ~lux~ from the moon. this is a bit stranch I will try to help you a bit with this.
The goddess of the moon, faded into the grey ~hiems~ mist, I do not really understand what you mean, also Hiems is spelt rong,
And the cold breeze of the Dea Lunae disappeared, Dea lunae is spelt rong unles you were trying to name it that.
suggestions
1for: yet surely in the ~lux~ from the moon. yet surely in the loving night~ forthe moon is shining bright. so that is all that I can say, so keep up the good work. HAPPY REVIEW DAY.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill
I think that this poem is absolutely beautiful and enchanting!