Disclosure: if you don't like it, that's ok. I was just writing down my feelings and i don't think it has to be perfect but I still will be happy to get some corrections. And I don't capitalize a lot because I wrote it down while crying and I just find that my way of writing a sad poem. Can you find the message in this?
************************
please don't yell at me
for not knowing.
please DON'T break me
for just being me.
i'm tired of the sick words
you've been throwing at me.
tired of those sounds you THROW
at me from your mouth.
am I not enough?
do I not do enough?
everytime I ask if you want help
you ask ME if I think I can do better,
if i am better.
but I guess, no, i'm not.
i'm just a little girl here for you to yell at.
i'm just a person who doesn't matter.
I guess i'm just a person who needs to
be beaten DOWN and ground into the dirt
with your dark, gloomy foot.
nothing I ever do is good enough,
nothing I ever WILL do will ADD UP
for you. for you. for you
*************************
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,757 Literary Works • 672,706 Reviews
This ain't so much of a review, just a thought. I love this piece, i love the raw emotion it has. The writers on this site, i find, are great for that(raw emotion) I thought this piece was amazing because it told a story, and was unique to you. it showed your heart and heartache. you found a way to express yourself in writing, I hope you dont let go. its alright that not every piece is "Perfect" or polished. as long as it means something to you. none of my poems or writing are ever grammatically correct. i misspell words, put commas where they are not needed, i used to put capital letters in the middle of sentences. some people put a lot of emphasis on grammar and diction. but, i believe that if you enjoy what you're writing, and it means something to you, then its perfect. you're a brave girl, and you have talent, don't forget that
Thank you that means so much to me!
Radrook here to review.
It is really saddening to read that a parent is treating his child in such a cruel manner. I would suggest availing yourself of a school counselor who can refer you to other helping agencies which are specifically established to protect children and adolescents from parental child abuse.
About the poem itself, I like the way that the words "knowing"and "throwing" resonate off each other. I also found its humble sincerity in the effort to communicate very convincing and appealing. No hatred is expressed. Instead the parent or guardian is spoken to in an effort to have him or her come to their senses. That is what gives to poem its charm. The ending, which refers to the extreme selfishness, which helps to motivate the abuse, is perfect! Love that concluding dramatic echo effect.
Suggestions
....tired of those sounds you [hurl....]
....for you[,] for you[,] for you[.]
The poem would read and look better with regular capitalization each time a sentence is started. IMHO.
BTW
I know it was written fast but since you are posting it for a review, then I guess having it reviewed should not be surprising-right?
I like it. I think that this is how a lot of people feel.I think that a lot of teenagers especially feel like, I'll never add up for them.
I think this poem speaks to a lot of people.
I think you should use a comma instead of a period in the last line, but other than that it is very good.
I also wanted to mention that some of your I's aren't capitalized.
Yup I know, that's how I wrote it.
Ok, sometimes people just write fast and have a lot of errors.
Friend! I'm so sorry that you feel that way!!! I hope life starts getting better!!!
I really liked how you did your emphasis–it's not in the places one would expect it to be, but it adds to your message.
The repetition at the end was interesting as well. It almost made it sound like an echo. Because of this, it kind of emphasizes the loneliness and the emptiness.
But at the same time, the poem also has a slight tone of anger, of determination, which I liked
Overall, a really good job. And I really hope you can get better!
I think this is beautiful and I love it. The capitalization doesn't matter because every poet has their own style and yours is amazing. Okay, so, the message? I feel like the message is that you are tired of abuse. I'm not going to claim what kind, but I get why this would make you cry. Honestly, I applaud you for expressing your emotions in such a beautiful way. I can relate, though. In the piece, it feels like someone is bullying you and I honestly feel like this everyday. On an emotional level, and I basically do it to myself more than other people. But beside that, it also kind of related to my relationship with my dad. Hey, I'm also glad you found YWS, if you ever need anyone to talk to, pm me. I hope it gets better and I know I'm probably late in comforting you. Oh, and did you draw your avatar? I really like it. This was probably a really unhelpful review, but I tried! So, yeah, if you ever need to talk, I'll try by best to respond asap to any pms.
Thank you so much! Actually I just found the photo on the internet for my profile picture, i couldn't find the artist though,
. No this was really helpful thanks!
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If I offend you in any way, I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
This is really good! If this comes from personal experience then you are not alone. I know for one how this roller coaster ends, I know this will sound cheesy but things will get better.
From what I can see you don't have any grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.