Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Cars zoom past me, making the wind a little harsher, the time where some come home or go to work, 5:30pm. The way to my sister's boyfriend's barracks is about a two-mile walk. I zip my jacket up, fold my arms across my busty chest, and walks slowly while thinking. Across the street, I can see Alchemy snuggled up at the kiddie park with a boy she likes from school.
Alchemy smiles and waves to me and I wave back. I know that Alchemy would call me later and tell me about what is going on or what is being said between her and the boy. However, he does not look like the boy she described to me in school today, I shrug it off.
Alchemy lives with her mom and twin sister. Their father left when they were six years old, leaving their mother to raise them alone and struggling to put food on the table. Alchemy’s father remarried a little over three years ago and spends little to no time with Alchemy or her twin sister.
I finally make it to the barracks in ten minutes and looks for the barrack number that my sister told me a few times. Finding it, I knock firmly on the door and wait. Fifteen minutes pass and someone finally answers the door. The someone must be my sister's boyfriend's new roommate, Sydnie doesn't have much nice things to say about him. The male looks disheveled and hooded eyed possibly high or drunk.
He looks me up and down, "en busca de un buen momento?"
I arch my brow not understanding what he is saying.
"You looking for a good time?" He slurs while smiling and leaning on the doorframe.
He reeks of booze; I stand back cautiously and shake my head. "N-no, I am looking for my sister; Sydnie." I stammer nervously.
He scoffs, "Psh, come on, baby. I have the money and a huge one-eyed snake. He is waiting to enter your tunnel of love."
He slurs taking a wad of dollar bills out of his pocket; he begins to wave them around in my face as he sways back and forth. The young man then face plants right in front of me and in the doorway; knocked unconscious.
My dark grey eyes widen, I slightly nudge the man with my foot.
"S-sir?" He does not budge but a pained groan escapes his throat. I cautiously peek into the apartment, "Syd?" I call out my voice breaking a little.
"Sirrah?" Sydnie calls out then comes to the door, buttoning up her shirt. "What are you doing here?" She looks at her boyfriend's roommate laid out in the doorway. "Ugh," She groans in disgust. "Brent, come get your roomie. He's passed out again!" Sydnie turns back to me. "What are you doing here, Sirrah?"
"Mom wants you home for dinner, Sydnie," I say.
Brent Mester comes through the living room shirtless and sees his roomie on the floor. I blush a little at Brent's washboard abs and toned arm muscles.
He complains holding his nose against the sudden stench of his roomie pissing himself, "Ugh, I am awaiting requests for a new roomie, he drinks too much."
My sister's boyfriend mumbles to himself while dragging his knocked-out, drunken roomie half way into the living room, just enough to get him out of the doorway.
With a huff, he comes back and stands next to Sydnie, "You leaving, Sweetness?"
"Yeah. Dinner time."
He removes the blonde hair out his blue eyes and plants a kiss on Sydnie's cheek causing Sydnie to giggle, I look away. I do not want to see them makekissy face at each other. I can feel the jealousy swelling up in my chest.
"See ya tomorrow." They say to each other.
We begin our walk home.
"Sirrah, I want you to one day have what Brent and I have." Sydnie burst out of nowhere.
I look up at the clouds.Not this talk again.
"I am not interested in finding a man, Sydnie." I lie. "I am more into getting my school work done and looking to get into a decent college. Besides, no one would want my black ass due to me being that and adopted. Everyone here tends to date within their own race," I mumble thinking Sydnie did not hear the ‘black ass’ part. Sadly, I am wrong.
Sydnie's brown eyes widen at my sudden honesty, "You are still pretty and smart, Sirrah. Rather you are black or not, adopted or not. And if these close-minded boys cannot see that, then something is wrong with them. Not you, sissy." Sydnie snaps her fingers and rolls her neck with attitude.
I cannot help but giggle as we lock arms and slow walk home so we can converse about other things that are going on with us. Since she had started dating Brent and me focusing on getting into a decent college, I felt as though we do not spend as much time together as we used to. However, times like this are the times I value the most.
End of chapter
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Hey there Soulfulwriter. It's just lizzy dropping by once more, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The dialogue, as I tried to explain last night, has no fizz, pop, or bang to it. There is no excitement or a particularly interesting part. The words that you use don't match the rest of the story. Like I tried to explain before, they belong in an essay not everyday, common use. You need to adjust the words to fit the meaning. Basically this means use slang more often and don't make your character talk like a stuck up snob. The way she talks is just another bullying event waiting to happen. Try and make her blend in rather than stick out further.
The mood and tone are also greatly effected by your word choice. Everything thing about the story seems so calm and peaceful. I'm pretty sure that is the exact opposite of the emotion you were trying for. Some words tell me one thing, while the others tell a completely different story. You want a strong, almost angry emotion, but you use nice, cute, sweet little pieces of dialogue. She doesn't react with anger when being taunted by strangers or by family. I can understand not having any outbursts in public but at home you have to make the character stick up for herself. Instead she just disappears into the wood work.
You asked me yesterday what I meant by the story being weak in some parts. Sorry if I didn't give a very thorough answer but it was pretty late in my time. Before I get on to my actual review, here is a revised version of my thoughts. I've put them in spoilers so they shouldn't take up too much room.
Dialogue
Spoiler
Mood/Tone
Spoiler
Okay then, onto the review of this chapter. Some of the questions I had are starting to be answered but other things are still a little bit rough. I have some more questions to add to the list this time.
1. I'm pretty sure of the mc's age by now but how old is her sister?
2. And why does her sister still want them to share a room? From the sound of things, her sister is far over 18 and has a steady boyfriend. Why is it then the sister stays at home instead of moving in with the boyfriend?
The dialogue is a little bit clearer this time but still lacks any strong emotion. There were some other pieces of text that bothered me and I hope you can clear them up.
I'm not exactly sure what you meant to say. So if you could just clear this part up for me, that would be great.
I am now further interested to see where the story is going. There is nothing really specific that needs to be pointed. Overall, good job.
Well that's about all I have for this review. I'm going to try and get to your next chapter sometime next week.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
I like the way you add humor to the book. Also the way you write and describe things helps me to imagine the scene in my head. The story is smooth and simple I really like your writing style! Some authors tend to use a lot of bombastic words and actually that just makes it more boring and also harder to read, spoils the fun in the book you know?
Anyway keep on the good work this is really awesome. I hope that you'll continue to upload more and more chapters in the mere future as wonderful as this. I'll definitely review you work again so till next time!
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I truly appreciate the feedback. There are a lot more chapters.