Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Getting home, I hurry to my room and put my things down on the floor, then I go straight to the playground and sit on the swing. I sway back and forth on the swings, thinking about what Cole said to me about Alchemy's supposed betrayal of our friendship. Could what Cole said be true? Would Alchemy really talk shit about me behind my back? If so, why? What had she said? Am I that bad of a friend? Have I been that bad of a friend to where Alchemy felt like she has to talk about me behind my back?
“I know how Alchemy is and I know about our friendship.” I shake my head and look up at the gray clouds. Talking to no one in particular, “I just do not think she would say those things about me. That is not what friends do; they do not talk behind their friend’s backs. Or that’s what I thought they do not do.” I exhale loudly and sway a little more in the swing. “Alchemy has always been there for me. She was my shoulder to cry on and ear to talk to. I mean even though, something is wrong with Alchemy right now, I am sure it will not last long and our friendship will be right as rain again.”
I cover my face with my hands, after putting my glasses on my head. I try to figure it out, figure everything out. What if it is true, though?
I rub my temples as something shadows over me. I turn around, my heart racing to see Alchemy standing behind me along with Alchemy's little twin sister, Andromeda Andy for short. I smile as my heart beat still races; I place my hand over my chest.
"Hey, Sirrah." Andy greets as she takes a seat by me on the swings. She begins to start a conversation, "How-."
"Andromeda, get up and out of the way," Alchemy growls at her sister.
Andy sighs and moves. She goes and sits on the bench to look at the lake nearby. Alchemy sits by me. I say nothing to her, still thinking about what Cole said to me at school. I put my glasses back on.
"Hey, are you mad at me?" Alchemy asks swaying from side to side.
I still say nothing at all, I just reflect on what Cole had said. The ‘why is what I truly want to know.
"I am sorry, Sirrah. I know that I have not been a very good friend to you lately. But, things have been hard." Alchemy pouts and folds her arms across her chest.
I rake the wood chips with my blue and black converse sneakers while I listen to what Alchemy has to say. As of now, I don’t know what to think about what Cole had told me. I just know my feelings are truly hurt. Between what Cole said and what Alchemy is saying, I do not know what to believe.
"Like . . . projects and college applications. All that stuff." Alchemy smiles a little knowing the college application spill would get me talking. Even though, I know it is a lie.
I look up at Alchemy's brown eyes, "Really?" I ask with my eyes showing a little light now.
"Yeah, I mean you've been my friend, my best friend for a long time," Alchemy assures, making sure she says the right words. "And I don't want you to think I am ignoring you or don't want to be around you. I am just busy and under a lot of stress."
I shake my head, I can only take but so much torment from everyone, and I wanted Alchemy to be my safety net when things got worse. Little do I know, she cannot be my safety net.
I sigh, "Have you been talking smack about me recently? And please do not lie to me, either." I finally bring myself to ask her.
Alchemy smirks and chuckles. She then stops once she sees the serious look on my face.
She answers, "No, why would I do that? I may be childish and petty but not like that. Who did you hear that crock of shit from?" Alchemy rambles on with rhetorical questions. “Was it that new kid Cole? Or was it this fat ass girl named Crystol Myers? I wanna know who.”
I nod knowing that Cole was wrong. I could not believe I was about to believe someone I met when he was drunk, over my best friend I had known since elementary school. I perk up knowing better than to trust whatever Cole says again. "Okay. I know that you are busy and all-."
"I actually have a date with the g-."
"That was about to insult me," I say frowning deeply.
Alchemy nods. "Sorry about that. He . . . I don't know." She cannot even come up with an excuse for her new boyfriend's rudeness.
"It's fine. I get it." I stand up and stretch my arms and back.
Andy runs up to me and she blurts out, "Can you come with us to my basketball game?" before Alchemy could stop her.
I grin and just before I can answer, Alchemy jumps in, "She has to study, right Sirrah?"
I surely do not understand what Alchemy is talking about, "It can wait. I can see if my mom can take me. What time?" I do a lot of studying all of the time, but it is always nice to get out and socialize a little.
Alchemy groans and tries to get Andy to move on by pushing her along. "Come on, Andy. It's getting late."
"At 6:30pm. I am number Fifteen." Andy does not budge and tries to shove Alchemy back.
"Okay. At the Rec?"
Alchemy picks Andy up, throws her over her shoulder, and walks off with Andy yelling, "Yeah, don't be late. I am in the starting five and I do the jump off!" She starts kicking, flailing her arms, and hitting for Alchemy to put her down.
I smile and start walking back home. My mind still on what Cole said and wondering if it just might be the truth. The smile soon fades and is replaced with a frown.
My walking slows; what If it is true? What would I do if I lost her?
End of chapter
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139,794 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hey there. Look at that date, I made it here much quicker than I expected. But sadly I'm still late to the party and you already have two fabulous reviews. I'll try and keep this critique brief and leave as soon as my review overlaps.
- I believe this was supposed to just be 'sit' instead of 'sits'. If this wasn't the intention, I must inform you 'sits' is the wrong form.
- I think that first sentence was also meant to be in italics because it is a thought like the rest. If you didn't mean to my apologies but it would look better that way. It would also avoid confusion for the readers.
- I'm a bit confused by this part because to me it could have a couple of meanings. One, you could be comparing Alchemy to a dog by talking behind Sirrah's back. Or, you could be saying Alchemy treated Sirrah like a dog by talking behind her back. Or, it could have a completely different meaning that I never thought of. Please explain the correct meaning not just to me but every reader by clarifying this sentence. If it can not be easily clarified, please just cut completely.
- Oh look. Here is one other little detail you told us about her, she wears glasses. Now are they sun or reading? I can see that maybe reading glasses would make that target on her back a little larger but I'm not sure what they are. Or didn't you think that far about the glasses? Maybe I'm reading too far into this.
- 'pouts' doesn't quite fit the situation or age range. Maybe look for an alternative facial expression that I can't think of at the moment. Sorry if I couldn't be of any help there.
- I just combined these two sentences because the second didn't make much sense on its own.
- I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to say here. Please cut one or more words from this sentence or extend to clarify.
- I'd like to hear the rest of those 'rhetorical questions'. I think if you were to include them, the story would be more entertaining.
- This needs to be changed around a little bit starting with splitting these two up with a period. I've made the necessary edits in the quote box below.
-I added in a couple of words to make both sentences make sense.
I must admit that your chapters are getting better and more interesting. If I was a reader, I would continue on reading through all of the chapters. Unfortunately if I was a reader, I would have stopped reading after the first few chapters. You just didn't create enough action and emotion in the in between chapters to get me hooked. I know this is a common thing to say but it's true. I have liked your book since the last chapter and this chapter but before that I couldn't really relate. Not many people would be able to but I like to see that it is now being fixed a bit.
Well that's about all I have for now. I'll try and get to the next chapter as soon as possible. I'm trying to finish out another novel by the end of the week but I'll get to yours somewhere in between there.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
I am not sure how to do that. I wish you could see what I had written before I made all the edits and stuff
Alright, so. Here is my criticism intended to improve your writing skills. I hope this helps. x
UHUUM. I, myself write in third-person and that might be why I favor it more.
Other than the grammatical errors such as "sits," I find everything fine.
Though your sentence structures are bland and could use more of your own personal writing quirks. (As long as they make sense and are suited for the story) I recommend reading lots and examining what exactly makes a good piece of literary work. Notice most authors when using imagery to describe the current setting their characters are in/and or doing, they use strong action verbs.
"The dog ran fast."
"A blur of brown zoomed passed."
These are both simple sentences. Though the second one, "a blur," really could be replaced with something more- but this is just what I've thought up. (I'm no author or award winning short story writer)
Also, with your characters could use some more pzazz! Make them unlike any character you've seen before. Give them something that makes them distinct among all others.
Best of luck,
Yitzu.
*clears throat* *puts on pink scarf* *puts on yoga pants* *buys a fresh new set of pink heart sunglasses* DRAMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Okay, that was one hell of an introduction. Now, you know who I am, and if you don't I'll smack you with this scarf of mine. So this should be easy. Firstly, the highlights:
-"I go straight to the playground and sits" Sit, not sits. You show this a couple of times, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to add an s on the second verb. It's fine, though, just remove the s and all shall be forgiven.
-"thinking about what Cole said to my about Alchemy's supposed betrayal of our friendship." My? I think you might've meant 'me' there, sweetie. (And yes, I'm keeping my flamboyant tone in this review, because its fun).
-"Have I been that bad of a friend to where Alchemy felt like she has to talk about me like a dog behind my back?" Firstly, Sirrah dear, you need a S-E-L-F-dash-E-S-T-E-E-M--you don't blame yourself when someone says your supposed friends talking smack about you, you go to your friend and perp sweat them over it. (Normal Voice: excuse my talk. This is actually a pretty good example of characterization on Sirrah's front, so good job). Also, what do you mean by 'like a dog behind my back'? Do dogs talk behind their masters back? Nu-uh, sweetheart, dogs don't even know how to talk. (Normal Voice: That was a confusing simile. I suggest removing it, just for the reader's sake. 'talk about me behind my back' is already quite scandalous on its own.)
-" I just reflect on what Cold had said." You might've meant Cole, not Cold.
-"Alchemy assure making sure, she says the right words." You might've meant: 'Alchemy assures, making sure she says the right words.'
-"I stand up and stretches." I stand up and stretch, is what you probably meant.
-"I smile and starts to walk back home." I smile and start walking back home, is what you probably meant.
Now, the commentary that doesn't fit in the highlights:
I think I have an apology to give for the last chapter review, because I complained a little of why Sirrah's taking it so defensively, but this chapter does show that she is taking the comment seriously. I like that, really, I do. Personally, I don't know which of them are telling the truth, but I'm not crossing out the possibility that Cole is right. I mean, why would he lie? To mess with Sirrah? Unlikely, unless he's a sociopath. Which would make another interesting story.
Overall, well done. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Signing out,
--EM.