Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The house is silent; everyone is sleeping or just in his or her room, watching television. Sydnie and I are laying in our beds with the television on. I am half-asleep and half-looking at whatever is on the television, looks like some kind of cartoon. Powerpuff girls? SpongeBob? Doug? Whatever the cartoon is, I secretly hope that Sydnie had forgotten about the talk she wanted to have with me. I can hear Sydnie tussling around and sitting up in her bed.
The other reason why Sydnie and I room together is due to the late night talks with my sister. I do have my own room but because Sydnie and I usually spend a lot of time in her room chatting and playing around, I just stay with her; too tired to go get in my own bed. It is nice to have a roomie, but sometimes I do forget I do have my own room.
"Sirrah, wake up," She says turning the lamp on that sits on our nightstand between our beds.
Crap. I spoke too soon. "I am awake . . . partially," I yawn and turn to face my sister.
"Great. You know Alchemy has changed, right?"
I sigh now knowing that she had not forgotten.
Fiddlesticks. I swear. Dirty fiddlesticks.
I am not ready to have this kind of talk, at least not while I am on the verge of going to sleep. Then for it to be about Alchemy and her piss poor attitude.
I rub my face and groan. "People change, Syd. It happens." I sit up; trying to get ready for what Sydnie has to tell me. "With time."
"No . . . no . . . well . . . yeah. But, she is. . . I don't know. She is changing for the worst. She is not your friend at all, Sirrah. Well, not anymore. Not like how she was in the beginning. You two were inseparable and now all she does is just blow you off for these boys that want nothing to do with her. More than likely just have sex with her, nothing else." Sydnie tries to put it decently.
"Look sister. I do not have a lot of friends like you or our brothers do." I spill.
"But-."
"No," I sit up a little straighter. "It-."
"So, what you are telling me is that you would rather be treated badly by someone who doesn't give two fucks about you or how you feel than be alone?" Sydnie asks getting a little aggravated at my gullible personality.
I frown at the ugly truth about Alchemy and myself. The truth begins to spill out.
"That's exactly what I am saying to you, Sydnie. Yeah, I know it is bad but you do not know how great you have it because you are not dark like me. You are this pretty tan girl with long brown hair and pretty brown eyes, people naturally flock to you and want to be your friend. Hell, you even have a boyfriend that loves and adores you. You are not teased every day; you do not have people trying to hurt you just because of your skin tone. You don't have people saying nasty things because of the family you were adopted into. You've got none of that going on in your life." I raise my arms and let them drop lazily onto my bed. "Syd, Alchemy is my one and only friend and like I said, if she treats me bad then so be it. I rather have that then have no one." I clench my fists under the blankets as I try not to think about the fear of having no friends.
"But, Sirrah you have me, mom, dad, and Zander. Forget Nick sometimes. You have us. Alchemy is not any good. It shouldn't matter who you what color family who you were adopted into. We love you just the same. And I don't want you subjected to her treating you badly anymore."
"It does matter to me." I let my eyes drop to my lime green comforter, my heart beating hard against my chest. "Just drop it okay?" With that, I turn over and lay back down. I stare at the wall near tears at my own ugly truth. I steady my breathing enough so it appears that I am sleeping. I can hear Sydnie sigh in defeat and turn the television off.
Sydnie didn't know all of that stuff that I just told her. I usually just keep it to myself because I know what some people are going to say. I know people won't understand the pain I feel almost every day. But, I know she never wants me to feel like I am an outcast among the family or friends. But, Sydnie most certainly never wanted me to be someone's friend just because I have no friends.
I know Sydnie is speaking the truth about Alchemy and telling me to fuck what other's think about me being adopted. I know that Alchemy's attitude is changing and has been changing for a long time now, ever since we entered high school. I started filling out body wise more, my boobs got bigger along with my thighs and butt. I couldn't help that I was hitting puberty and Alchemy was not. I knew this. However, Alchemy is my only friend so what am I supposed to do? Making new friends for me is never a hard thing to do, but with my mindset, I often ponder who would want to be friends with someone like myself?
Am I supposed to cut off my only friend or am I supposed to keep the only friend I have even though it's hurting me mentally and emotionally? These questions swim through my mind until I go to sleep.
Sirrah watches at the girl she had befriended over the few years she’d been here, get ready to leave the orphanage for good. The girl puts on the new coat her new parents had bought her and she looks at Sirrah’s tear stained face.
“Oh, little Sirrah, do not cry,” she wipes her tears with the pads of her thumbs.
“But, you are leaving me and never coming back.” Sirrah sobs.
The girl sighs and tears form in her own eyes, “You have been the best little sister I have ever had. I will never forget you and if they let me, I will try to write you.”
Sirrah hugs the girl, “I don’t want you to go, though. I want you to stay here with me.” Sirrah hugs her tighter.
The girl hugs Sirrah back, “I can’t stay. But, one day,” The girl kneels in front of Sirrah and wipes more tears off Sirrah’s face, “you will be adopted into a family who will love you and take care of you.”
“You promise?” Sirrah sniffles and wipes her runny nose on her long sleeve.
“I promise.” The girl kisses Sirrah’s forehead as her new parents call for her. “See ya later, Sirrah.”
Sirrah waves to the girl as she stands in the doorway. The girl gets in the car and looks at Sirrah through the window, until the car drives off.
End of chapter
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139,295 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey there!
Specifics
1.
2. This gets a bit awkwardly phrased and it's probably a typo but thought I'd point it out. Maybe it should be, '...It shouldn't matter who you are or what color family you were adopted into'.
3. This seems like a really big contrast to what we were told before about how she has no friends and struggles to make any. Maybe you meant that she wouldn't be afraid to try but clearly it is hard for her to make new friends so the first sentence feels really off.
4.
Overall
The flashback at the end seems to come out of nowhere and I'm not sure it really adds anything to the story. We're not even given the name of her friend from the orphanage so she clearly isn't important for later significance and of course every orphan dreams about being adopted by a nice family and finds it hard to watch their friends go away when they get adopted. I think you could cut that without losing anything from the chapter.
The rest is good and it's really easy to see the bond between the sisters, both the love but also the frustration and to some degree, the difficulty in understanding each other. I think there could be a little more description, like does the house make creaking noises in the night as it's settling down or do the covers feel warm and comforting when Sirrah pulls them around her? Or are they suffocating/ too heavy because it's a hot night? A little extra description like that would help to build the atmosphere.
I think the plot seems like it's on track and this flowed pretty smoothly so good job.
All the best,
~Heather
Thanks.
Hey there, Soul. It's me again, here to review your ninth chapter since it already came out. This was also a pretty interesting chapter, descending action-wise from the last chapter, but still emotionally evocative. Firstly, some highlights:
-"The other reason why Sydnie and I room together is due to the late night talks with my sister." 'are in a room together' or 'sleep in a room together' would make a bit more sense. Also, this is just a personal preference, but you could always replace 'my sister' with 'her', as the audience probably already knows who you are talking about.
-""Look sister. I do not have a lot of friends like you or our brothers do." I spill." Again, this is a personal preference, but her dialogue is a little too...straight. Nobody really calls their female sibling 'sister', perhaps 'sis' is acceptable, but usually someone who calls their female sibling 'sister' isn't exactly normal. And in this case, despite everything, Sirrah is still a relatively normal girl living in a very sad world. It just doesn't fit her character.
-"It shouldn't matter who you what color family who you were adopted into." I think you meant to say 'to you' rather than 'who you'. What does 'It shouldn't matter who you what color family' mean?
Now, onto the slightly more substantial part of the review:
I've just started noticing it now, but your dialogue can sometimes be very straight, or extremely blocky. But this trend is never consistent--sometimes you use slangs expected of a teenager her age, and other times you make her say things that don't sound quite right in her mouth. It would be completely different if you characterized her as extremely intelligent, and often somewhat shy and insecure, but from what I'm reading that isn't her defining trait. Thus, it becomes a little bit jarring reading her talk like that.
On the other extreme end, it also becomes jarring when a relatively normal dialogue is suddenly interrupted with words like 'boobs', which just doesn't fit the voice you're using. In fact, I'm somewhat unsure of what voice you want to use. A professional voice? An angry voice? An angsty voice? It would be good to read up on that, and see if you could sharpen the voice you're using a bit. Here's a quick source I like going to every once and a while: http://goinswriter.com/writing-voice/
Other than that, though, this was also a solid chapter. Not exactly my favorite, as the last chapter was a bit better, but it's getting there. Good job!
Signing out,
--EM.
-waves- Thanks!!! I will fix those later on today or tomorrow.