Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
My school day goes the same as any other school day. Teases and jokes made about my skin tone. In the last class, P.E. someone went as far as to trip me outside while running laps around the track causing me to scrape my knee and be sent to the nurse's office. Cole is in most of my classes except Science, he knows who had tripped me. I did not know that he had told the nurse and the Principal when I left the nurse's office. I found it mighty odd that someone would go through great lengths; meaning ruin their rep; to protect me.
Sitting outside with the rest of the car riders, I am glad and relieved that the school day is over and tomorrow is Friday, then the weekend. Cole stands a few feet from me, leaning against the brick post with his music in his ears. I do not look at him to ensure he does not recognize me. Some students come out of the school building in groups, talking and laughing. Some girls exit the building and stand in front of me.
"Why are you still here? It's almost dark, shouldn't you be knighting up the sky?" A male student taunts and the friends behind him laugh.
"No, because if her 'masa' catches her out again, she will be lynched for sure." A light skinned girl in the group titters as they walk away from me.
I hang my head; I cannot continue to let them see me when I am down, I grumble to myself. I pick my head up when I see Alchemy coming out of the building with the teenage boy from the lockers. He puts his arm around Alchemy's waist in a protective manner. Seeing Alchemy puts a smile on my face.
"Hey, Alchemy," I call out waving at Alchemy, so she would notice me.
Alchemy rolls her eyes and stops hesitantly beside me, "What do you want?"
"Wanna come over and study? I can ask my mom to make your favorite snack." I try to entice Alchemy with a grin.
"Naw, she doesn't be-." The boy begins.
"Hush!" Alchemy silences the boy. "I can't, Sirrah."
"W-why not?" I can feel my heartbeat quicken in my chest. What was going on with Alchemy?
"There are other things to do besides studying all the time." Alchemy leaves linking her arm with the boy's arm.
I sigh; maybe, I should stop trying. It is starting to get quite obvious, she does not want to study or go to college.
"She seems very backstabbing and two-faced."
I turn to Cole, "What?"
"Your friend, Alchemy. I have her as a partner in science class. She talks shit about you a lot. Doesn't seem like a really good friend by the sound of it." Cole offers his two cents taking his earphones out of his ears; he wraps them up and puts them in his pocket.
"That's not true," I yell angry that he would make an assumption like that. "She's my best friend. She'd never say anything--."
"Are you sure about that? I am pretty sure she does say some awful things about you." He interrupts arching his brow and offering a smirk.
I see my father pull up in front of the school. "You," I stand up and hike my book bag on my back, "are very wrong. She would never do that to me."
"Alright. If you say so." Cole shrugs his shoulders.
I get in the car and my father drives off.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey there Soulfulwriter. It's just lizzy dropping by once more. You already have several reviews so I'll try not to overlap too much. Enough with the chit chat so without a further ado let the reviewing begin.
1. This is another spot where you may have used the wrong form of slang/not slang because it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. The story can't be too formal (following every single grammar rule to the letter) or too informal (basically all text talk and slang). You need to have a mixture of the two rather than siding with one for one chapter before switching back. It may be better here to extend 'rep' to 'reputation'.
2. Also, I don't believe that this was the correct use of semi-colons. It might be better to go with commas. Sometimes I know people use hyphens so you might want to try those instead.
1. 'Knighting' doesn't make any sense. Did you perhaps mean 'nighting'?
2. Even though this is slightly funny, it is a very weak and corny pun. It actually takes more away from the story than it gives, just in my opinion. You may want to look for an alternative joke here. Though the bullies are probably pretty desperate at this point considering they've been bullying her since the beginning. But yeah you need to change the humor here because it is ultimately very weak.
This chapter was a bit shorter than the others and that surprised me. I would have thought with all of the emotions and interactions going, you would have extended it a bit farther. Perhaps add some descriptions about the atmosphere of the school, outside of what is happening with Sirrah. You just need something in between the jumps to major points. Every thing is just getting sprung on the reader and they are not given sufficient time to analyze it.
I'm sure you will write it in at some point but your character should be going through a stronger denial than she is. I would think that she would have reacted stronger to the claims of Cole. Her leaving that little argument so suddenly makes me wonder if she is actually doing the smart thing. That would be realizing perhaps her friend has betrayed her. But eventually you do need for her to realize that other wise this novel will take a bad turn that I have seen in others. At some points, most of your points need to become realistic and relatable. At the moment, there are few relatable parts and you need to create that part.
Well that's about all I have for this review. I'm really looking forward to see where this novel is going. I'll try and get to the next chapter by the end of the week.
Have a nice day.
I am going through it and trying to make all of the chapters a little over 1500 words. But, I am also trying to input the changes in there as well. But, thank you for the review.
Hello, this is the first of your work that I'm reading but I do like your idea for this book.
This part alone make me want to find any previous chapters that might have been posted.
I like the fact that the story deals with a deeper topic that is very prominent in the world today. I would very much like to see how the main character deals with this.
I also noticed that you write in present tense which I don't often see or use. Usually past tense is used to make a book simpler to write. I also like that some of the character names are quite unusual to me. All in all, well done!
THANKS!!! Positive review! GO go go go go! there are more chapters, if you need me to, I can message you the rest of the chapters.
I'd like to read the previous chapters, please do!
Alright.
Hello, Ashleymreid here to give a review.To start off i love writers who pick character out of the norm with a diverse background. i just wish i had read the earlier chapters before this one. Just so i can get a back story of your MC Sirrah.Let begin the review shall we:
Again i apologize for not having read earlier chapters, be that as it may, i see a few grammatical errors. Also i wish you had more setting description from going to the nurses to after school outside. was the school packed? crowded? did the other kids move away trying not to touch her.
Was it hot outside? cold rainy/cloudy? it would help the reader picture the scene and relate to those school days when kids hung out after school waiting for their rides home.
overall good read, makes me want to look through your previous chaptes.
-ashley
That's alright that you didn't read the other chapters, it happens. But, I will rethink the description and add what you input. Thank you for the review.
Hey Soul! It's me again, just to check in and try to review this for a little while, so without further ado...
-"I found it mighty odd that someone would go through great lengths; meaning ruin their rep; to protect me." I think extending the word to mean 'ruining their reputation' would sound better--also, dashes instead of semicolons ('--' instead of ';') seem a bit more appropriate in this case.
-"It's almost dark, shouldn't you be knighting up the sky?"" Night-ing up the sky? Doesn't knighting mean she's becoming a knight by the hand of a queen? Also, that was a stupid joke. The bullies are getting stupider by the second and I really like that for some reason. Don't ask why.
-"I turn to Cole, "What?"" And suddenly, a wild Cole appears! Okay, but really, I know that Cole's been sitting beside her for a while now, but it would've been nice to have a little introduction beforehand. Like, 'I turn to Cole, who had pulled his earbuds off, listening intently' or something.
-""That's not true," I yell angry that he would make an assumption like that. "She's my best friend. She'd never say anything--."" I think this is, once again, another thing about Sirrah that I can't really relate to. It makes sense if this were to happen in a third person standpoint, where everything is objective and the audience is allowed to know how Alchemy truly is, but we're taking the POV of Sirrah in this case. Sirrah feels close to Alchemy, yet the audience, who are supposed to trust and feel Sirrah's pains, can't see why because they haven't lived the memories Sirrah has. They don't know much about the relationship between Sirrah and Alchemy besides the fact that they're friends, and even then it's very narrow. Why would Sirrah not believe Cole? It's not like she's done anything to anger him, or make him want to manipulate her. And even if she did have a reason to not believe Cole, why is she so quick to defend Alchemy? She's already seen the girl change from these last few chapters, becoming a bit more hostile. Wouldn't it make sense to her? Basically, what I'm asking is this: What makes Alchemy so special to Sirrah?
That's it for today. Looking forward to the revisions and the next chapter, from the looks of it this might be interesting.
Signing out,
--EM.