Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Sunday morning, my mom and I took Andy home and made another sleepover date; next weekend. When we got home, my mom and I had a conversation at the kitchen table.
"Sirrah, I know you are 16 years old and you want your own space. I also, know that your sister wants her own space as well. So, do you want the room you and Andy were in?"
"Yes, I do," I say excitedly jumping up and down, then hugging my mother. I had no clue as to why she did not give me my own room in the first place. I do not question it at all.
"Great. We; meaning your father and your brothers can move your stuff in there tomorrow after school and make it your room."
"Are you serious?" I beam excited and titter at the comment she made.
"Yes, I figured you and Sydnie would want your own rooms. I just thought about it on the way home." She tells me.
I hug my mom tight again. "Thank you so much, mama."
"You are welcome." She chuckles hugging me back then letting me go.
I skip happily to my new room and plop down on the bed I was sleeping on during the sleepover. I sigh as I close my eyes. I still had a lot to think about with my choice about Alchemy. However, after the wonderful time, I had with Andy, I just wanted to relax in my new room and keep to myself.
Laying on my bed, I realized that I could not just relax and not think about what to do.
First thing, suspended from all the clubs that I am in for defending myself against Alchemy. Truth be told, I know there was a better way to defend myself other than punching her in her face and causing her to fall over the railing. But at that time, that is what my mind first produced. So, I acted.
Secondly: taking Alchemy to the YG courts to defend my own self in hopes I will not get into any more trouble. Because Alchemy did what she did she might be suspended from school and sent to that other school Mr. Ethics was telling me about. The school for teens with issues or whatever.
Third, this club that Andy and I are thinking about doing for the teenagers that are teased. I surely hope that she is serious about the club. Because any type of club that Alchemy and I came up with, it never happened.
Fourth and lastly; telling my parents about what happened and what is going on with me and what has been going on with me for years. That is going to be the hardest thing I know I will ever do. I am never one for getting into trouble. I can only pray they will understand.
I have to tell them what happened due to my own guilty conscience eating at me. Even though, Andy told me it was not my fault, I do not fully accept that. I sigh and look around my room, smiling at my own space.
A knock on my door makes me sit up. I get up with a groan and open my door.
"Nick?" To my surprise, not really. "Yes?"
He is nervous looking and fidgeting with his fingers. A trait that he and I have inherited from our father. "Uh, your friend, Andy."
I arch my brow.
"What of her?" It is very clear what he wants, but the brother of mine has been so mean and rude to me for the past few months for no reason other than to hurt my feelings. I want to hear what he clearly wants.
"Is she single or . . .?" He stammers.
"I don't really know. Why do you ask?" I adjust my glasses on my face so they will fit right.
"I want to talk to her. You know what I mean." He says outright. "Please?" He drops to his knees and clasps his hands together in prayer state.
Seeing him like this over Andy is something very pathetic, even for Nick who tries so hard to be a thug. Watching too many music videos and hanging around the wrong people at school.
"I am not sure that she is in to you or if you are even her type," I tell him.
"I can be. What does she like?" Nick asks still on the floor but dropping his hands to his side.
"You will have to ask her, once you aren't suspended from school anymore," I explain to him standing him up and then walking past him. He follows me.
"How about you give me her number and I can call her and ask?"
I stop in the living room and turn to Nick, "That is a definite no. Here is why," I say before he could open his mouth. "I don't have her number; we meet at school so I don't need it. Two, what I do know is that you need and have to straighten up your act before you even consider going up to her and opening your yap. Because Andy is a very straight laced girl and she doesn't tolerate the foolishness you talk."
Nick looks at me a little stunned then smiles. "I will do it." He rushes into his room and closes the door.
I arch my brow at my brother's statement to clean up his act. I doubt that it will happen in a few short hours, but if a girl makes her determined to straight himself up, then so be it.
End of chapter
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139,297 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Salutations!
Your username and avatar look familiar. I may have reviewed a previous chapter of this before, but then again, I may be imagining it. Either way, I don't know what your novel's about, so I'll address non-plot-related subjects.
Your punctuation could benefit from some more attention. In places, I see commas where there shouldn't be any, and in others, I don't see commas where there should be. They're devilish little punctuation marks, so be sure you know how to use them. Semi-colons are even trickier, so unless you know exactly how to use them, I recommend staying away from them. I've read best sellers that didn't use a single one, so you don't have to use it if you don't want to.
I think your sentences are somewhat awkward. Sometimes it's the choice of words, sometimes it's the sentence structure; either way, they don't read as smoothly as they could have. Improving your punctuation would definitely help with this problem, but so should reading your sentences out loud. Often, the ear can pick up flaws the eyes might have missed.
Concerning characterisation, I'd advise against the overdramatic. What the brother did does seem pathetic, but from what I can tell, it is wholly out of character for him to do that. Why is he suddenly so interested in Andy? Is it her appearance? Is it an aspect of her personality? An interest? Obviously, the protagonist doesn't care and outright refuses to help him, but as an author, you need to be aware of your characters' motives at all times. If you wanted him to be infatuated with Andy simply for comic relief, you nevertheless need to consider the execution. No matter how shallow he is, you still want to portray him as a person. (Unless you only want to show the readers what a flat, unlikeable character he is - that can work too.)
There are many parts of your writing that need more TLC, but you at least seem to know what you want and where you're going with your story. It's always good to know the destination, but remember, the journey is often what one values the most. Good luck!
>Sunday morning, my mom and I took Andy home and made another sleepover date; next weekend.
semi-colon isn't necessary here. feels clunky, actually. i'd use a hyphen or just a colon.
>"Sirrah,
i realise that "Sirrah" is a name, but only after a very confused Google search. it's more commonly known as a way to say "sir". perhaps not the best thing to name your female character.
>"Great. We; meaning your father and your brothers can move your stuff in there tomorrow after school and make it your room."
that semi-colon doesn't belong there at all. hyphen
>"Are you serious?" I beam excited and titter at the comment she made.
excitedly*.
Titter: to laugh in a restrained, self-conscious, or affected way, as from nervousness or in ill-suppressed amusement.
doesn't seem to fit.
"Yes, I figured you and Sydnie would want your own rooms.
...Sydney. just... just spell it as "Sydney".
>I just thought about it on the way home." She tells me.
," she tells me.
>"You are welcome." She chuckles hugging me back then letting me go.
need comma after "chuckles".
>First thing, suspended from all the clubs that I am in for defending myself against Alchemy.
this is in a modern setting, right? right? are you kidding me? dude, i feel sorry for your future child. they're gonna get bullied to shit in school.
>I arch my brow< at my brother's statement to clean up his act.
you've already used that exact phrasing once in this very short passage. the repetition is noticeable to the reader.
Thanks for your help. And No, to the name change.