Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
We enter the house and my mom turns to us. Andy is lugging her duffle bag with her clothes, shoes, and whatever else is in there on her shoulder.
"You two can use the guest room, down the other hallway." My mother informs us while going into the kitchen to start dinner before father gets home.
"Alright. Come on, Andy. Follow me." I say and she does.
We settle in the room and Andy chooses the bed against the window, which is good because it is cold over there by the window. I am not so sure what to talk about with Andy. We were always civil when I would go over Alchemy's house. We would talk and laugh more than Alchemy and I ever did. However, now that we are really spending the night together. I think that made Alchemy jealous, seeing me and her sister having more fun than she and I.
It makes me wonder what Andy's real motivates are for wanting to spend the night. To sneak into my life? To ask me personal questions about her sister. Or did she really want to be my friend?
I can hear mom rustling around in the kitchen. Nick has detention for threatening another student, Zander is at chess practice, Sydnie is with Brent, and dad has picked up an evening shift at his job. Leaving Andy and I practically by ourselves.
"This is going to be fun, don't worry, Sirrah. I am not going to bite you." Andy assures me with a giggle as she looks through her overnight bag.
"I guess I just don't get why you want to spend the night all of a sudden." I voice my concerns. I wish I could take back what I had just said, but it is too late now.
Andy turns to look at me. "It was not an all of a sudden thing. I have wanted to spend the night for a while with you and Alchemy."
This is new; at least, to me, it is.
"But, when I got ready after asking my mom, Alchemy would fly out the door and leave me on purpose. Mom would be so pissed at Alchemy." Andy shakes her head at Alchemy's foolishness then starts chuckling.
"Do you know why?" I ask I had to ask. Really there was a lot I wanted to ask Andy, but I felt like I would be prying. On top of that, this sleepover is not about Alchemy's issues. It is about making a new friend that has been under my nose the entire time. It is just that Alchemy tried keeping Andy from being my friend. What kind of person does that?
"To be honest with you, I do not but I have my own theories about that." Andy informs me.
I wonder about her theories but now is not the time to press the issue. Now is the time to get to know Andy. Really, get to know her.
"Alright, is there someone that you have a crush on?" Andy asks me as if it is no big deal.
I look up and my eyes widen.
"A cr-crush?" I stammer as if I do not know what that is.
"Yeah, someone you really really like." Andy giggles at my shock look.
She steps around the room and starts to go through the closet. I have no idea what she is looking for as she moves to the drawers. I kind of figure she is getting a feel for her surroundings or being nosey.
"N-no. No one really likes me. I mean. . . I have had few-." I stutter trying to find the right thing to tell her.
"Oh my god, who?" Andy looks at me smiling from ear to ear. Andy and I are in the same grade, so I know that she would know who I am talking about if I mention it.
"Well, in the 9th grade there was Hanley Tankerly." I fess up to my long time crush.
"What?" She scrunches up her face in confusion. "Hanley Tankerly? That guy that wore high waters?"
I nod a little ashamed. I never had the chance to tell Hanley Tankerly that I had a crush on him due to his family moving after the death of his grandfather.
Andy smiles, "Don't worry, he was always nice to everyone. Who else?" She asks probing deeper into my personal life.
I look towards the ceiling, trying to think. However, no one would come to mind. "I don't know really."
"Not even Cole Santiago?"
My heart jumps and if I could blush I am sure that would be a dead giveaway. I look down.
Andy chuckles, "Ha. Got it! He is a sweet boy, Sirrah. So, do not feel bad. At least, this one doesn't wear high waters." I catch Andy blushing at the statement she had made. I am curious if Andy has a crush on Cole as well. I shake that off.
We both laugh. We talk more about a few things. School, hair, nails, even makeup, and boys. College, family, jobs, love, and parties. Life basically.
After a few hours, we had not come out for anything besides to use the bathroom; Andy is braiding my hair while I try my best to paint her toenails. My mom brought us some snacks: watermelon juice (my favorite), enchiladas, and some kind of salsa stuff for the enchiladas. My mom is a chef and she teaches the culinary arts class at the university on base. She told me that one day she wants to run her own catering business, but it will have to wait until she can get the money herself.
As Andy does my hair, she asks, "Why do you let people walk all over you?"
I was waiting for this exact moment for her to ask me that question.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey there, soulfulwriter! Happy Review Day!
We were always civil when I would go over Alchemy's house. We would talk and laugh more than Alchemy and I ever did. However, now that we are really spending the night together. I think that made Alchemy jealous, seeing me and her sister having more fun than she and I.
There's a couple of minor edits to be made in this chunk. First, you need to in front of over so that the sentence makes sense. I would also swap out the full stop with a comma after together.
It makes me wonder what Andy's real motivates are for wanting to spend the night.
Motivates should be spelt as motives. Motives is the noun, which is what we want in this situation.
"Alright, is there someone that you have a crush on?" Andy asks me as if it is no big deal.
I loved your little bit of humour in this part, and I laughed along with your characters. This massive question came right after your main character saying that she really wanted to get to know Andy. Nice placement, the humour is great. And the whole scene was well-written, I have to say. There wasn't a single moment when the dialogue felt forced, and your characters have their own unique voices.
I was waiting for this exact moment for her to ask me that question.
I like the way you've ended the chapter on a cliff-hanger. That's always a good idea!
One suggestion I have to make this chapter better is to read through and check on your tenses. After a few hours, we had not come out for anything besides to use the bathroom; Andy is braiding my hair while I try my best to paint her toenails. This is just one example, but there are many more. You start the sentence in past tense and then switch to present. It's better if you just stick to one.
Thanks for sharing this chapter, I enjoyed reading it and getting to know your characters!
This is Yams here for a review! I haven't read any of the other chapters but I'll try and help as best I can!
Who names their kid Alchemy?
But seriously, it does seem like a very odd name when you have other names like Andy and Nick in the chapter. It just doesn't mix to me and I don't think it's fit to be a name, especially when this is realistic fiction.
This feels awkwardly worded and I feel like it could be fixed with something like: "I think I might've made Alchemy jealous when me and her sister were having more fun than the two of us ever had." Something of that sort? That sentence might make it even more awkward but the wording could be fixed.
This is kind of a misuse of a semicolon. These two sentences wouldn't really hold up on their own. You could change it to, "This is new to me." just to make it simpler.
I think you meant to say "motivations" instead of "motivates".
My problem with this chapter is that nothing really happens until the end. The rest of it kind of feels like filler and kind of unneeded just passing time to get to the next plot point. I wouldn't really have a problem with it if it was earlier on but it's chapter 13 and they're still talking about boys and such when it could have more of a focus on the actual plot, but maybe this is used for effect to show their relationship together more.
That's all I had to say. Take this with a grain of salt as I haven't read the other chapters and have a great day!
ok thanks.
I thought that it was pretty good, but it could use a lot more descriptive details, and it has a few wording errors that I noticed. I would say read through it a few more times. But, I loved how the characters felt like they were becoming alive to me, I could literally picture what was happening in my mind. Keep on writing this book because I'd really like to know what happens next, your post left me on a cliff hanger.
Thanks, but I need more detail in your comment. Like what wording errors? And I have read it and I don't see anything else wrong, hence why I brought it here. ^.^ Thanks for your comment though, it's appreciated.