Storybrooke was in an uproar. Everywhere, people were muttering and gossiping about how the schoolteacher, Mary Margaret, had had an affair with somebody else’s husband. Bridget didn’t know the guy they were talking about, but she did know Mary Margaret, who had taught her in elementary school. It made Bridget angry. Maybe the rumors were true, but she hated the character assassination nonetheless. No one should be this reviled, even if they’d made an awful mistake. Whenever people started gossiping about Mary Margaret around Bridget, she would try to find a way to quietly leave the room or at least stare silently down at her hands.
She didn’t speak up, though. Of course, she never spoke up about anything. She was always too nervous, or awkward, or whatever it was that prevented her from doing anything right.
By the time she came to her next therapy session with Dr. Hopper, then, she had thought of a few specific situations where she felt she’d failed, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell him. What if he hated Mary Margaret too? Bridget had written down a few situations that didn’t have anything to do with speaking up about Mary Margaret, but she hadn’t written down anything about her silence in the face of those rumors.
Sister Astrid escorted Bridget to the door of Dr. Hopper’s office this time. Bridget liked Sister Astrid, who was a lot like her in some ways but who also had some character traits that Bridget desperately wished she had. Although Bridget greatly admired people who always seemed to know what they were doing, she was a bit intimidated by them because she never felt like she knew what she was doing. But Sister Astrid was different. Bridget could both admire her and feel comfortable around her at the same time, and she even felt that they were good friends.
“Well, have a nice time,” Sister Astrid sang with a bright smile. She waved quickly, then tripped away down the hall, humming to herself. Bridget waved to her, then turned toward the door, that irrational anxiety about knocking consuming her again. Holding her breath, she forced herself to tap lightly on the white-painted door with her fist.
For an instant, she felt proud of herself for having succeeded at this small task. Then, when the doorknob turned, she felt a wave of anxiety. Yet when she saw Dr. Hopper, she involuntarily smiled, but probably looked terribly confused, all happy to see him and anxious and brave at the same time.
Why did simply knocking on a door have to be such an ordeal?
“You look cheerful today,” Dr. Hopper observed, inviting her to come in and sit on the couch.
Oh, so I look cheerful? Bridget thought. She could tell her confusion was registering on her face, but she guessed maybe Dr. Hopper was ignoring it to make her feel better. “Well, I came with Sister Astrid today,” she explained, taking her place on the couch, but not relaxing on it because she rarely did relax, “She’s my best friend.” Dr. Hopper sat down in his chair, resting his forearms on his knees and clasping his hands together.
“Oh? What’s she like?” he invited her to share more.
Bridget recognized this technique because she liked psychology and had read up on it a bit, but she wanted to talk about Sister Astrid anyway. “I just look up to her a lot,” she said, “She’s, well, she’s a bit clumsy and makes a lot of silly mistakes, like me, but she never loses her enthusiasm, and she always says you can do anything you can dream.”
“Do you agree with her?”
Bridget looked down at her hands. “I wish I could, but I don’t. You can dream and dream something but still never make it.”
“You sound like you’ve had a bad experience with that,” Dr. Hopper observed.
“I feel like I do, but I don’t think I could name anything specifically,” Bridget admitted, “Sorry to be so unhelpful.”
“It’s not unhelpful,” Dr. Hopper put in quickly, “Part of what we need to do here may be to discover what that bad experience was that’s dragging you down.”
Bridget laughed a little. “Wouldn’t that be nice, if all this could just be pinned to a bad experience?”
“Well, perhaps not all of it.” Dr. Hopper smiled, making the little creases appear in his cheeks.
“Anyway, sometimes I just wish I could be more like Sister Astrid,” Bridget said.
Dr. Hopper seemed to be waiting for her to say more, but when she didn’t, he prompted her: “In what ways, specifically, do you want to be like her?”
“Well, she’s never afraid to try to do things, even though she keeps making mistakes,” Bridget replied thoughtfully, “And…she doesn’t stay guilty for too long, I suppose. I know she feels bad about her mistakes, but I don’t think she’s as terribly ashamed of them as I am. When I cause an inconvenience or something worse to someone because of what I’ve done, I’m always so ashamed. I can’t help it. I just keep thinking about what I should have done, and how selfish I was being, and part of me feels it would be wrong not to feel bad about having caused someone that much trouble.”
Dr. Hopper nodded. There was a thoughtful look in his eyes as though he was carefully considering what she was saying. “But you don’t think it’s wrong for Sister Astrid to…let go of her mistakes?”
“Not at all—and I would like to be like her, as I said, but I can’t seem to get around this.”
“Last week, you seemed to want to stop making mistakes.”
“Yes, well, I want to stop being so troublesome to everyone, and I think that my lingering guilt over what I’ve done wrong in the past is making me nervous, and that makes me mess up all the more. I recognize that—you don’t have to psycho-analyze it out of me—but I just can’t seem to get over it. I keep telling myself I should just get over it, but I can’t!”
Dr. Hopper had chuckled a bit when she said “psycho-analyze”, but now his expression was serious. “Would it be fair to say that what you really want is an attitude change?” he guessed.
“I don’t have a bad attitude!” Bridget exclaimed, “I really want to work hard and do well, but—”
Realizing that he had used the wrong word, Dr. Hopper backed off. “No-no, I didn’t mean to imply you have a bad attitude,” he assured her hurriedly, “I only used that word to contrast doing with feeling. You’re going to keep making mistakes—everyone does—but if you’re positive about it like Sister Astrid, you’ll be able to move forward. You won’t be crippled.”
“I know everyone makes mistakes, but I’m much worse than average,” Bridget argued.
“I haven’t found any reason to believe that,” Dr. Hopper returned.
“You haven’t seen me in real life.”
“I think…this would be a good time for you to share with me some of the specific mistakes you’ve made that caused you to feel bad,” Dr. Hopper said gently, “Did you remember to write some of them down?”
Bridget nodded. She had her spiral-bound, black notebook with her. Glancing at Dr. Hopper for a cue that it was time to open it, she did, and flipped to a page where she had described one of her failures that week. For a moment, she looked at it, then suddenly felt overwhelmingly ashamed at it. The job she had forgotten to do…Sister Nina’s frustration…Sister Beth quietly doing the work for her…her intention to apologize to Sister Beth and the way she had chickened out at the last minute…
“Oh, this one isn’t very important,” she mumbled, turning the page hurriedly. She didn’t know how she could bring herself to talk about it. Then she saw what the other one was. She had been beating herself up over this one all week. She should have known what to do, but she didn’t, and she ended up doing nothing but standing there in paralyzing nervousness. She had caused a lot of trouble for everyone. “Th-this one doesn’t really matter either,” she stammered, “Maybe next week—”
“It seems to matter to you, so I would say it is important,” Dr. Hopper said, “Bridget, do you remember what I told you? You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything.”
“I…it’s really awful, though,” Bridget said, feeling more like she was here to confess than to get help.
“I’m not here to judge you.”
Taking a deep breath, Bridget turned back to the first page and read both stories to him. It was easier to read them aloud because she could almost pretend she was reading someone else’s story instead of something she had done. Dr. Hopper listened in silence the whole time, and when she was done, she braced herself and looked up at him.
“Those things really bother you, then,” he observed.
Bridget nodded.
“Now, I don’t mean to lessen the importance of them by saying this, but it doesn’t seem to me that—that they caused any great harm.”
“But others had to do more work because of me. They were annoyed.”
“Did that really hurt them so much? Bridget, I’d like you to consider the possibility that some of your fears may come from how you think other people see you. Do you believe anyone is still bothered by having had to do a little extra work?”
“No, but…I should have been able to do it. It was what I was supposed to do.”
Dr. Hopper nodded. “You have a strong sense of duty.”
“What a nice way to put it,” Bridget remarked with a sarcastic half-smile.
“It’s very normal for people to have to make up for others’ mistakes—that’s just a fact of life,” Dr. Hopper assured her, “Can you think of a time when you had to do extra work because someone else forgot to do something or couldn’t do it?”
Bridget thought for a moment, then nodded, finding it surprisingly easy to recall a few examples.
“Were you very bothered by it?”
“No, not at all.”
“Then there’s no reason for you to assume that other people consider it a terrible burden to have to smooth over your mistakes,” Dr. Hopper pointed out, “And even if they do get easily annoyed about that sort of thing, that’s for them to deal with; it’s not your fault.”
Bridget nodded, thinking he made a good point, but it didn’t quite cut it. She wanted to change the subject. “Can I tell you about my dreams now?” she asked, brightening up a little. Over the week, she had discovered that she was actually quite eager to tell him about her dreams. She hadn’t ever really talked with anyone about them.
“Of course,” Dr. Hopper said.
“Well, last night, I dreamed I was riding a beautiful horse,” Bridget began eagerly, “The horse seemed really big, but I think I might have been small in the dream because everything else seemed a bit big too. The horse’s fur was pure white, and its mane was orange, and we were galloping across a moorland or something at night. I remember it was night because I was noticing how beautiful the stars were. There’s not much else I remember about it now, though.”
“It sounds beautiful,” Dr. Hopper said, smiling warmly.
“I have this recurring dream too,” Bridget said, “In which I’m trying to climb a rainbow, but for every step I take, I seem to slide two steps backward.”
“That must be frustrating,” Dr. Hopper remarked, “It could be your subconscious mind processing how you feel about your mistakes.”
“Well, that’s what’s strange about it,” Bridget replied, “Because I don’t feel frustrated when I’m climbing the rainbow. I feel hopeful and determined, and I’m eager to reach what’s at the top. I love that dream because it’s so different from how I usually feel. And the stars seem so close in that one.”
“In that case, I believe it’s good that you keep thinking about it. Let it encourage you.”
“Do you remember the talking cricket I told you about last week?” Bridget asked, a little shyly.
“How could I forget about him?” Dr. Hopper chuckled.
“Well, he’s in a lot of my dreams. In my dream about the rainbow, he’s usually riding on my shoulder. He has a little, black coat and a little umbrella, and he’s very nice. I like him a lot. And, he even has a name, too.”
“What’s his name?”
“Archie.”
Dr. Hopper frowned suddenly, then twitched his head slightly with a scoff of bemusement. “Archie?”
“Sorry if you don’t like it,” Bridget returned defensively.
“No, it’s…not that. It’s just that…that’s my name.” Dr. Hopper said with a bewildered smile.
“You mean your first name is Archie?”
“Yes—you didn’t know that?”
“Not at all.”
“Well, then, maybe you saw my nametag on the desk, but didn’t consciously notice it. My name could have subconsciously entered your dreams, and—”
“No, the cricket has always been named Archie,” Bridget interrupted him, “Long before I ever met you.”
“Well, then, it’s just an interesting coincidence,” Archie laughed.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello again!
Another meeting with Dr. Hopper. Now I know Bridget/Kaelin and Archie/Jiminy are the focus of this story, but I would like to see each of their lives in Storybroke in addition to their therapy sessions. For all I know this will happen later in the story, but if not, I think it could be a nice addition to add to their character profile and the richness of the character. We know a bit about Archie from Once, but his character isn't featured a ton so I think there is plenty you could still do with him in this story. And obviously since Kaelin is of your own creation there is plenty you could show us in her world. I'm really curious about each of their lives and what life is like for them beyond their time together.
And like the last Storybroke chapter, I'm going to make some comments about the therapy in this chapter because this is my field of study. Like the last time, please feel free to take my comments with a grain of salt because there is no one right way to conduct therapy and I'm working from one (of many) therapeutic orientations.
Onwards!
I really like this orientation to the cannon, and you talk about Bridget's reaction, but I would like more of her feelings. Right now this feels surface level and I want it deeper. It can be hard to do that with 3rd person but you're a strong enough writer. I want to be taken to the moment that she finds out or that something happens related to this incident and I want to know how Bridget reacts and how she's feeling specifically rather than in general terms.
I think this should be one paragraph. I would also like to see this happen rather than be told about it. This goes back to my earlier point about seeing these character in situations outside of the therapy room.
What does the underlined line have to do with the rest of the paragraph? She thought of a few times in which she failed but she doesn't want to tell him because he might hate Mary Margaret. Are all of her situations related to not sticking up for MM? If so, she should specify that before she worries about telling him. But, then after the underlined part she explains that some of her situations don't have anything to do with MM (which imply that some of them do), but then the last line says none of them have to do with her failure to act with the MM situation. So I'm confused about what she wrote down and what she's afraid of right now.
Bridget is a bit of a Debbie downer and is a bit pessimistic. That's fine, but I'm going to need to see some redeemable qualities in her soon as well. If she really is this giant loser, why should the reader care about her? What does she have going for her?
Yeah I'm a bit confused too. That's a lot of feelings and a lot of switches to make in the span of like four seconds. I like that you slow things down to show her feelings, but maybe not quite that much
What's saying it's a bad experience that's bringing her down? Maybe she just has some maladaptive thoughts that have been developed through multiple experiences that just need to be shifted around a bit.
Although I'm like 98% sure this is foreshadowing. I think that her mom is going to die in the Enchanted Forest despite her attempts to save the mom. I feel like this is going to leave her with tremendous guilt and feelings of worthlessness and that she can't do anything right. Maybe part of the curse is that she carried that with her into Storybroke but now she doesn't know what happened to her mother obviously. She lives with the nuns because she has no other parents and in the end she's going to have to confront her feelings about what happened to her mom and then she'll be better.
Am I on the right track
Since the reader didn't see these events this week, we don't know what happened and through this conversation we still don't get to know what happened. I would like to see this conversation and see what she says about her failures this week so I can make judgments myself alongside Dr. Hopper and follow along better.
It would be more powerful, therapeutically, if he allowed her and guided her to come to this conclusion herself. Think about it. If you really believe you hurt someone's feelings and a third party person said "oh, I don't think you hurt their feelings." are you going to accept that. I don't think so. But what if that third party person showed you and helped you figure out for yourself that you didn't hurt the person's feelings. Are you going to believe it then? Probably.
A question that could start that process here could be, "How much harm would you say your actions caused to others?" They could break it down. They could really discuss and analyze each action she did and what impact it had on everyone else involved. They could rate the likelihood that what she did caused harm to someone else. Etc. And since this is a story and not a clinical psych textbook, I'm sure you don't want to get too deep because you want to stick to the point, and I get that. Just some food for thought
Same here. Instead of him telling her this, how can he show her this so she comes to this conclusion on her own?
What came before this is good, but I would phrase this in a way that he's not telling her, she's coming up with this. Like, "Can you assume then that other people consider it a terrible burden to have to smooth over your mistakes?" Then she would think about it and hopefully come to that conclusion on her own.
I feel like she needs to say something before she cuts to asking to talk about her dreams to soften that quick transition. I think she needs to acknowledge what he said and let him know that she will think about it but that she wants to switch gears for now or something like that.
Instead of him telling her, I think he should ask her what she thinks it means. A client's prediction is usually much better than anything the therapist could come up with
I feel like this is referencing her quest to get the star dust and that she really wants it and she's really determined to get it, but ultimately she's going to fall short.
And I feel like she needs to acknowledge what he says here as well before she changes the subject.
Loooooove iiiiiiit. I mean, it's not a huge revelation to the reader obviously because we're privy to more information than these characters. But I thought the way you crafted this ending was very clever and well done.
Overall, this chapter didn't do as much for me as the others have so far. It's not a bad chapter by any means. All of the big things I've loved in the previous chapters I loved here as well. I think this chapter fell a bit more flat for me because there was less excitement and fewer revelations. It was just analysis and talking about Bridget. It might be fine as is to kind of off-set more extreme chapters around it, but you also may want to consider how you could spice it up a bit.
Excited to read on, as always! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thanks! Funny thing is, I think the therapy stuff will get more accurate later. The thing with this story is that I actually started writing it to try to work through some similar issues I was experiencing--like Bridget. Archie's counseling in the earlier chapters was based on my attempts to counsel myself. Halfway through the story, however, my mom convinced me to see an actual therapist. So Archie's counseling after that point became more based on what I was learning from my therapist. Not that I fully understood the method behind it all, but I think Dr. Hopper got a little more accurate at that point.
Hey, Song! I'm going to apologize first and foremost because I'm not familiar with Once Upon A Time, and I also haven't read the first few chapters of this fanfiction, so I'm sorry if I ask questions that seem obvious! (I will try to Wiki things if they seem like issues from me not knowing the show canon, though.) I'm going to try to follow the next few chapters of this fanfic and help you out, so please consider this a warning for my reviews on all the chapters!
I do like the first sentence in this quote! It gives a good idea of the sort of person Bridget is—loyal to people who are kind and loyal to others—without outright telling us that. The second line...could use a little work, though.Moving on—most of my critique will be on technique, style, and such.
Instead of telling us it made Bridget angry, why not show us how she reacts when she's angry? Hunching over and clutching her purse tight when she's in the supermarket so as not to confront anyone, tensing up, dropping what she's holding when she hears what everyone is gossiping about—I don't know how Bridget shows her anger, but I want to. Put her in a specific situation where someone is talking about it, and show the reader how Bridget reacts to that specific situation, like being cornered in a grocery store line while the lady behind her is gossiping or something the like.
You do a good job developing Bridget's anger reaction after that line, but I still don't feel like I get the whole scope of her reaction. You tell us who Bridget is as a person, but you don't really show us her awkwardness, her regret at not being able to speak up to defend Mary Margaret—in a sense, I'm feeling her emotions, but I'm not feeling them strong enough to really resonate.
I feel like you can expand on this, too. Instead of saying Sister Astrid has character traits Bridget wishes she could have, say that Sister Astrid had no difficulty speaking her mind, or she didn't face the fear of speaking up about something she believed in, or the like—at least, that's what I see Bridget's major character flaw being just from the beginning of this chapter. Show us the character traits Bridget wishes she could have, so we can watch as you show us Bridget growing into some of these character traits across the course of her arc and story.
As a whole, just from the first few paragraphs, I can see you have a major issue with telling instead of showing. There are times when telling is more appropriate, but I would much rather see what Bridget wants, see what Bridget feels, see how Bridget reacts, than be told that she's intimidated and has problems speaking up.
That comma after "relax" should be a period. You only continue the dialogue tags when the dialogue after it is part of the same sentence as the part before—see this article for more help!
Last critique for this chapter (since this has already gotten a little longer than I anticipated), but this goes back to telling instead of showing—what is the technique? How is he using it? Instead of telling us that Bridget recognized the technique, perhaps have her comment on how he's drawing information out of her casually rather than forcing her into an uncomfortable conversation. From that, the reader will be able to deduce that Bridget doesn't dislike psychology, and she's probably somewhat versed in the ideas of the field.
I've given you quite a bit to chew on for this chapter, so I leave you with my usual farewell: Keep writing!
Thanks, Lareine. Seeing I got a review from you made me cheer up after a really horrible work shift. It was a good review, too. Thank you.
Hello again!
Anyway, time for the review!
WOW. All I can say, is 'wow'! This is truly amazing - especially the end. A kind of chilling, well, chill, I guess. Suspense is spot on in this.
I don't know why, but this sentence bothers me. Without the contractions, it would look like this: "part of what we need to do here may be to discover what that bad experience was that is dragging you down". It's just a mouthful. The particular section - "what that bad experience was that is" isn't really confusing, it's just - a lot, if that makes sense. Maybe replace "was" with "is"? Since it is obviously still a bad experience for her.
About the bit where she 'changes the subject' to talk about her dreams; it seems a bit abrupt. I know you (and she) kind of wanted it like that, but it took me by complete surprise. Maybe you can try and make a smoother transition... Just a thought.
One other thing - you seem to be spending a lot of time with visits with Dr. Hopper. Now yes- I know I've only ever reviewed one other chapter, but I just wanted to suggest to "get on with it". Keep the plot moving instead of spending a bunch of time with Dr. Hopper. (Although I must say, you write these visits fantastically.
Other than that, this was really nice! Great job and keep writing!
~Snazz Pizzazz
Happy Review Day!
Hey, I'm here to review!
The first paragraph is a hook enough for me to read on. I haven't read the previous chapters yet, but I did watched Once Upon a Time for quite some time, so that must've helped me in some ways. Anyway, I like how you start this chapter with something thought-provoking and controversial. Not only you mention Mary's affair with someone's husband, you also touch upon the character assassination she's going through. To add it up, you make your protagonist, Bridget, hates that, so that's easily a plus for her character.
I also like how, when going through each event, you weave in Bridget's thought about it. Like, when Sister Astrid accompanies her to see Dr Hopper, you turn that ordinary act with her thoughts about that sister, and it doesn't break the flow and stays coherent and cohesive. It keeps up engaged reading this story, because we aren't just served by the interesting plots, but also by the details of the protagonist itself, which is delicious so far.
Your syntax needs a little bit improving. Choosing the right word is crucial to get the most effect of your message, and 'sang' here is imagined weirdly. I'm pretty sure Sister Astrid speaks normally most of the times, and won't sing just to wish someone a nice time. Unless this is one of her character traits, I see this singing part a bit unrealistic and exaggerated to prove a point of why she's not intimidating.
Earlier on we're told Bridget like some qualities in Sister Astrid, and this paragraphs shows what some of them are, so kudos on that. If there's no paragraph like this, the whole thing would be telling instead of showing. If you feel like you're telling something, make sure you've set up a showing part to follow that so that the readers can really imagine what you're trying to say.
Like this part. It makes Bridget a sweet girl, and it's humorous to add it on top. The whole thing is pretty serious until this one, which is good because sometimes readers want to loosen up a bit before reading more thoroughly about the problems and conflicts Bridget is having.
I've realized you're fond of putting the dialogue tag in the middle, and while this is a good thing to do to vary the dialogue structures, when it's incorrectly used, it's ineffective and ruins the readability. This is the case here. There's no need to put the verb in the middle of the dialogue, and since the dialogue is two independent sentences, using a comma to break them is the wrong way to do. After 'gently', used period instead of that. If you're unsure whether this can be broken up like that or not, consider the latter part of the dialogue to start in capital letter or not. In this case, it does, so it can't be broken up.
I've nothing much to say about the latter part. The thing about her mistakes and how they seem important to her while Dr. Hopper thinks they're not really that is executed nicely. The dialogues are presented naturally, and the dreams too are interesting, although I think it's a bit a little common, as in the sense I'm not feeling they have a connection with the plot... until you tell us about Archie and how Dr. Hopper's first name is Archie. Now that I'm sure is a connection. How, I dunno, but it's pretty exciting to read on to confirm whether it is a connection or not.
Anyway, that's all! Keep up the good job!