Presence

It seems like someone who shouldn't be present is present. Ugh now it's giving me the shivers, I seriously hate the feeling when you feel like someone is with you.

Hey Silver!

There's some strong mood building in this, I like the content in respect to the title and the way tension was sort of drawn out - I think that method is acting as your double-edge sword, one the one hand, lots of reviewers have commented expressing their experiences of that tension (turning around by the end) and that's pretty stellar. On the other hand, repetition and drawing out a scene can be grating if not careful.

It's like, if you're watching a movie and someone puts that Jaws motif (da dum, da dum) and it keeps getting higher and higher but never ends? That drives me insane! This poem is not at all quite like that, it's short, so it doesn't have that problem, but it's doing the same effect of drawing out the tension (90% of the poem at this point) to release it at the end. One way of circumventing this while still maintaining the effect you want (the unsettling feeling at the end) maybe somewhere in the middle, allow the reader some point of catharsis. This is like how in horror films, you have a person in the room and they are searching for the monster throughout the house -- those moments when a character opens a door and FREAKS OUT BECAUSE ---oh it's just a broom. Phew.

Catharsis.

And then they turn around and the monster is RIGHT THERE BEHIND THEM (unsettling!) Tension ideally, should be like a wave - it needs its up and downs. If it is going up, up, up for a whole while, there will be some readers who will get too tired for the climb and just give up half-way. My experience of this poem wasn't quite giving up (it's short and sweet!) but more like underwhelmed. My expectations were building up for 8-lines and by the end the conclusion felt obvious, as I've already been experiencing the ever-watching presence, I didn't feel like I needed to be told of it. Rather, I wanted to know what it was, why it was happening, or some kind of action or event or closure xD

So what are my suggestions for improvement? The build up of the first eight lines are all structured: The noun + prepositional phrase (no action or main verb at all). This kind of structure is exactly what is creating that tension/jaws-music-effect. We are building, building, building the subject of the poem (the presence) and we are waiting to know what it is that this presence does. By the end, we find out that all the presence is doing is watching us, and it seems weak. We got that already by the title and by the first line, and explicitly again by the second line. My suggestions here, play with the structures a little bit more. You can switch it up some so it's not so bland, instead of always the same Noun+PrepPhrase, you can try Prepphrase+Noun, or better yet, you can try noun phrase+noun phrase. Nouns are the power houses of sentences. Prepositions, let's be honest, you can throw them away entirely and they don't really add or take away anything. For example, your poem can be completely rewritten like:

A breath
Eyes boring
the shadow
the whisper
the weight
the shiver running
the image
the awareness
waiting, watching, ever present
I know I am not alone

^ I removed all of the prepositions and the meaning of it stayed in tact. What prepositions are doing is that it is giving us information as to where the location/places are that the noun is in. So for example, the shadow "behind me". Prepositions are great because it gives us a three-dimensional world, we're in a scene, as opposed to the flatter version I rewrote. But you don't need so many to set the scene, and all of those words are not adding anything to the meaning or idea of it. Instead of describing where the shadow is, or where the whisper takes place - what kind of shadow, what kind of whisper, why is it whispering/creeping, how is it doing this? Is it making ticking sounds, does it envelop the room and go silent, is it raising the hair from the arm, is it cold and hot, how is it affecting the surroundings? What is it smell like or feel like, how is the narrator feeling/thinking/experiencing?

You can try adding some gerunds (you did this in the 6th line with the shiver running down the spine - that's the most actiony-image as a consequence). Heck! Give it some verbs. Try to create the tension through tone alone, rather than sentence structure, it'll come across as more subtle, but that can be a good thing. So those are all comments on the form and structure.

On the content, I do like the idea of it. I think it's great that we have that sense of a pervading presence. Whether you choose to reveal what that presence is or not, I think what is missing here is the context for why that presence is important and why we should care. I mean, is the presence messing with the speaker's life in someway--keeping them from doing their job, keeping them from staying sane, keeping them from their loved ones? These sorts of details can add conflict and make us care.

I hope this helps! I know I rambled enough for today about structure and catharsis, blegh, I know those can get boring and not make for the best reviews, but I do think that fixing up the structure of this can really help with the content. Do let me know if you want to chat this up, or if you've any questions, or when you've another poem written!

~ as always, Audy

Hey! I'm a poet

So, first of all, how to get better. I would recommend looking at other works, on YWS and classics, and really understanding structure, flow, and pattern.

Next, I would figure out your own structure/flow.

For example, (and one of my favorite poets on YWS) @queerelves uses a very cool structure and makes his work stand out.
tick tick tick

Where as this one by @etherealember, has more of a narrative, story telling, and flows more like a story.
Greedy Eyes

One more example is this one by @HiImAndy. It is structured, and rhymes.
Sleeping With You

Okay. Now I will review.

I like this, I do. I love the imagery you have created and It makes me want to look around and make sure no one's watching.

Some ways to improve:

"A breath upon my neck,

Eyes boring the back of my head,

The shadow that lies behind me,"

I think you can add a line. like....maybe:

"A breath upon my neck,

Eyes boring the back of my head,

The shadow that lies behind me,

Someone that wishes death."

and then makes a stanza. so we can catch our breath.

This would make it more structured. Then, you would have to structure the rest of your post off that.

"The whisper in an empty room,

The weight between my shoulders,

The shiver running down my spine,"

could be:

"The whisper in an empty room,

The weight between my shoulders,

The shiver running down my spine,

Each breath getting colder."

stanza. I don't want to re-write your poem (even though I kind of did xD) But just add some breaths in there and structure.

Great overall, I hope you continue with poetry, you have potential!

Best wishes -

Kam.

*looks over shoulder....realizes it's just a wall. Still not sure if alone. Turns on lights for good mesure.*
#8000BF ">Bigejay100 Reviewing,

This definitely was a very different writing, then again I have only read two other poems so what do I know. On a serious note though, it was very good. You made this poem speak loudly. It told me to take of my headphones, which is very hard to do, and read it. And read I did four times, to be exact. It was just that good. I've still got chills running down my spine. I don't know what else to say its perfect. I would not change a thing. If this is just an attempt at poetry, then I am very excited to what other works you will come up with, when the gloves finally come off.

Never top writing