Loneliness
is a bottomless well
in which I reside.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey!
So this work was shorter than I was expecting. XD
Still... a good read.
Ok...
Having Loneliness as a sole word on the first line was a good idea. It communicates the key idea of the work as well as making it seem more prominent. It is also fitting because the word itself is alone on the line. XD
The enjambment into the second and third line makes the work read fluidly and it is clear to understand your message.
Overall, the meaning behind the work is rather depressing, but well written.
You said a lot in so few words.
Great job. XD
Hi! Thank you for reviewing my poem! It is kind of depressing isn't it?
Ah well it's just a poem.
Flame here!
Great concept, beautiful writing. I loved how you portrayed loneliness as a bottomless well - it's an emotion hard to escape. I'd just suggest meddling with the formatting. Haikus generally have five syllables in the first and third line, and seven syllables in the second. But I disagree with Scoeri about the punctuation. Not all haikus are punctuated--correctly, at least. There's a famous one by Bashō:
If this was prose, a comma should be inserted after the first line. But this is a haiku
And your grammar is spot-on. Inserting a comma would make the sentence/haiku grammatically incorrect.
One last thing. "Reside" doesn't suit the solemn theme. But it's difficult finding a three-syllable replacement...I'd recommend going along the lines of "that I've made my home"? A terrible example, but I had to think up a five-syllable line fast.
Oh, and the second line could be made seven syllables by converting "a bottomless well" to "a well with no bottom." The first line could be made five by adding an "I think" before "loneliness." Wait, ignore that last one.
You get the gist
Overall, fabulous job. Can't wait to hear (or read, I guess?) from you!
Hey Flame, it's always nice to see you around
Thank you for reviewing and thanks for all you comments. About the 5-7-5 syllable thing, before writing the poem I google haikus and they said only Japanese haikus need to follow the strict pattern and that English haikus were more flexible but I'm no poetry expert so yeah maybe there's a problem.
Thanks again!
That explains some things, thanks
! Oh, and no problem!
A good start, however there are a few things. Although not entirely positive, I do believe even haikus need a bit more punctuation. Furthermore, I also believe that a haiku should have a bit more substance, and I feel as though all of your lines are a bit short. Also, traditionally most haikus consist of a bit more symbolism. Although the well is a good start, it's just not enough to make up the entirety of your poem. It would also be good to note that wells are quite a common metaphor used for bad situations, and therefor are almost cliche. Try to challenge yourself a bit more by using something less common. Finally, dear god don't do something like commit suicide. Watch a sappy movie or something. A comedy would be a good idea. Just remember that you only get one life and a hundred years for it, and it's not that no one likes you, it's that they don't really know who you are and have yet to discover your true brilliance. Have a good day, and keep up the work, (I'd actually suggest something like reading some famous haikus, I'd imagine such a thing would be quite enlightening) and have a nice day.
Hey Scoeri, thank you for your review.
I generally don't read or write poetry at all and this was my first haiku so thank you for your advice. Also I uh I'm not going to commit suicide haha! That wasn't even on my mind! I just tried to express how I and other people sometimes feel about loneliness.
Good to know. Lol! Terribly sorry about that, though you're not as scary as the one guy who followed who's only post is all about the main character killing themselves. And he won't reply to any of the messages I sent him D:
Haha don't worry about it! I'm actually quite a cheerful person, most of the time... That is quite scary! I hope he's ok. o.0