A/N Hey all :) *waves shyly*. There was a time when I would have never considered doing poetry, but since coming onto this website I've been pushing myself to try new things. This is my first poem ever since the one I did about Goldilocks in Year Two. I've tried to do research but I realised that the best way I learn is bydoing it and correcting my mistakes. So I would really appreciate all the reviews I can get. :) Oh! And by the way this is not literal but a metaphor so I'd also like to know if the meaning gets across. Thank you!! Your buddy, Silver.
The fires have burnt out,
The branches are bare.
The embers slowly fall,
All around me.
Flittering, fluttering,
Fairies cast of fire,
Gleaming brightly,
Against the black night.
They linger, hesitant,
To kiss the earth,
To join the stream of colours,
And bid the air farewell.
As I wade through,
This fiery river,
It crackles and cackles,
Writhes and rustles,
With every crunching step.
A burning memory,
Of a season past,
Of a change in wind,
That will breathe,
A new breath,
And bring white ash,
Cascading from the sky.
I watch these glowing embers,
As they disintegrate,
And leave the canvas empty,
For now there is a new,
Picture to paint.
A/N Part 2: This was my version of falling autumn leaves and the transition to winter.
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Hi there Silverlock! Niteowl here from the Cobalt Critiquers to review this lovely piece this fine Review Day!
Now, overall, this is really good, especially since this was your first attempt at poetry. The seasonal imagery feels fresh and interesting.
My main complaint is with the commas, at the end, of every, single line. Wasn't that last sentence annoying to read? Same deal in the poem. There's no rule in poetry that says you have to punctuate at the end of every line. Generally, I suggest punctuating as you would in prose. Of course, poetry can bend the rules of grammar, but normal punctuation works just fine in many cases.
This is a neat image, but I think it could be more concise. "That will breathe white ash/cascading from the sky" would feel more concise and vivid.
I also think stanzas would be good in this poem, but I understand the formatting woes with that, so I don't blame you for leaving it as is. Overall, great job and keep writing!
Wow, this is great!
I love the "burning" forests of autumn, and you certainly capture that image in your poem.
"They linger, hesitant,
To kiss the earth,
To join the stream of colours,
And bid the air farewell.
As I wade through,
This fiery river,
It crackles and cackles,"
I have to say this is quite brilliantly put together, a top notch piece of art. I have a hard time liking things because I'm such a hard-A, but I really, really like this. You use descriptive language that paints pictures in my mind, and allows my imagination to run wild with your concept.
You do an amazing job of sticking to the "burning" concept, but without ever straying from autumn, and without ever truly implying fire, which would skew things and stop the flow.
All in all, great job!
Thank you Silverlock!
Hello Silverlock! How is this amazing review day going for you? Anyway, this is the one and only, Magenta here to review your poem, Falling Embers. I love the title, by the way!
I really enjoyed reading this poem and think you put a lot of thought into writing this. Anyway, congrats on that.
"That will breathe,
A new breath,
And bring white ash,
Cascading from the sky.
I watch these glowing embers,
As they disintegrate,
And leave the canvas empty,
For now there is a new,
Picture to paint."
These are my favorite lines. The imagery and perception or really perspective is what I meant to say, was awesome. The description and the intricate detail really paints a picture inside my head. The poem at some parts has a very nice flow but in other parts, there is a bit of choppiness to it and it isn't as fluent. Your poem is a very nice metaphor.
~ Magenta
Hello Silverlock! I really like this poem. The parallels it draws between the seasons and fire are things I had never noticed before, and they make the entire poem very intriguing. My favorite lines are: "This fiery river/It crackles and cackles/Writhes and rustles/With every crunching step." I especially enjoyed the imagery in the poem created by the metaphors and the well-chosen verbs, which are very clear in these lines.
The poem flows very nicely, but I feel as though some of the line breaks slightly interrupt the flow. I think the poem might read more smoothly if some of the lines were combined, or broken in different places. For example: "That will breathe/A new breath" could be made into one line.
The punctuation in a poem can differ based on the poet's preference, but it isn't necessary to punctuate the end of every line. I think commas should only be placed where they would fit naturally in a sentence. For example:
"As I wade through,
This fiery river."
It would probably be better to remove the comma after "through".
I only have these few small changes to suggest. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope you continue to write poetry.
Right, first of all, well done! You have made a leap into the brave new world of poetry. This went down really well with me, and your little note was muchly helpful. Firstly, to get it other with, my single criticism. And that is the second most important line of a poem. I am referring, of course, to the last line. I would suggest combining the last two, as I feel the comma here is artificial, and the last line should have a different length to the others.
However, I really like the line "fairies cast of fire." It invokes great imagery, and is a beautiful metaphor for somthing that has always struck me as wondrous.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Hi!!! Thank you sooo much for reviewing my piece!!
I was really nervous posting this, poems are usually not my thing but I'm trying too get there. Your review was helpful, I might join the last two lines if it helps.
Your welcome, I think it would help, to separate the last line in length and give it more weight.