A/N Hello, all. This is a terrible thingy that I wrote. I'd really like advice on how to improve seeing as poetry really isn't my thing at all :) Thank you!
My palace stands in
ruins,
Shattered memories lie as false
Hope is carelessly strewn about
Without thought, without care.
My grip on time has slipped
Now the strings drag beside my feet
Fragmented dreams run their course
Leaving me behind:
"You never had a chance".
Palms slick with disappointment reach
For something tangible
But embrace delirium and the abstract
And become slicker.
The windows are gaping holes
And the pillars, horizontal.
Lucid emotions know not what to feel
As insanity reaches for the knocker
And we refuse to answer.
Magic isn't what it seems
Those who are fooled are simple,
The complex would rather illusion.
As the face is caressed
By those mismatched hands,
Notions of escape do come.
The ceiling slopes while
The floor rises.
Chaos has ensued far too long.
The knocker is knocked.
The hands meet.
The faces grim.
Farewell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi there!
This is my favorite part of the poem. I love it!
First off, your title is an great choice. Before I even read this poem, I was thinking what it could be about. Obviously the poem was going to be about something that is about to happen, as that is the definition of the word 'impending'. What was it that was going to happen? Was it going to be like impending doom or some impending event that was actually going to affect the speaker in a positive way. And even after reading this poem through multiple times, I am not completely sure about what is impending during this poem, which is a good thing, really. Poems are supposed to make you think. A poem that comes right out and tells you everything up front is not an effective poem.
Now to talk about formatting. This poem is one giant stanza; that's the first thing I notice. I also notice the first words of every line are capitalized and there isn't much punctuation until near the end of the poem. Just general observations, really. Also, all of the lines are about the same length until the end where they get shorter and shorter (I'll come back to the ending because I really want to focus on it).
With all of your lines being the same length, you've created consistency. I'm sure you could've guessed that already, but it really is important. This poem flows well throughout and sounds the same in each line because of the consistent length. That also works well with the fact that the poem is a single stanza. The lines all seem to fit together well. If there were lines that didn't really relate or "go with" the lines before it, I'd suggest creating new stanzas. Honestly though, I can't find any lines like that.
The punctuation is something I'd like to mention, however. Of course, you don't have to use a certain amount of punctuation in your poem, or any at all for that matter. But I feel like you really could benefit from punctuation in your poem. For example:
Read the underlined part again. To your readers, this seems to be one complete thought, read as a run-on sentence almost. Now, if you put a comma after the word 'ruins', think of the kind of feeling that gives off. You're pausing there in the line, making the reader really focus on the line "My palace stands in ruins". That's a powerful image. It shocks us as we read. Without the punctuation, you lose that feeling a bit. It's still there, but not as pronounced.
Here is another place that sounds a bit awkward when read. As this is a full sentence as it's written, it reads like this: "Those who are fooled are simple the complex would rather illusion". That's not something that you would write out in say, a short story. So why would it work in poetic form? If you insert a semi-colon after the word 'simple', it'll make more sense.
Quick nitpick:
You don't need a comma here. You are saying that these palms are the ones reaching, right? With the comma here it makes it seem like something else is reaching, not the palms.
The ending lines (lines 25-31) of this poem are wonderful. I truly enjoyed reading them. What I think is so cool about it is that it gives the poem a whole different tempo. The poem is very slow and flowing, until you reach the end. Then the short, choppy lines create a faster rhythm and make me imagine that something intense is happening, which it is. Taking advantage of line length like that can really bring a poem to life. Good job with that!
Overall this a good poem. For poetry not being your thing, you're a good poet
I hoped this review helped! I'm still working on writing good poetry reviews :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Oh wow! Thank you for such an awesome review! I've made all the edits you mentioned and thanks for giving me an idea of what I'm doing right and where I can improve! You're an awesome poetry reviewer
I absolutely loved this poem. I've read many poems before especially by famous authors but I have never heard one like this one. I loved everything about it from the words you used to the imagery that it creates. While I was reading it I could feel the feeling you put into it, and just imagine a not so sane person writing this. I think that sometimes that might be the hard part about writing poetry; getting the emotions and words to sound like the subject you are writing about but this was perfect. Awesome job; I hope you continue writing.
Thank you so much for your review!
Wow! I really like this. I don't think I can stress that enough. The emotion in it, and the words you used really drew this together. It portrayed a soul locked inside a house that seemed to be going insane, and finally it lost it's grip. That was only one way I saw it in my mind. I can't say I have things for you to improve. I really just liked this the way it was, but to others there are always things, and I probably missed things, but I'm not often a nit picky person. Great work!
Thank you so much!