tick
tick
tick
time is
tick
tick
ticking
but i'm not there
to feel it
passing by
to feel it
running by
it keeps
tick
tick
ticking
and i'm missing
missing out
missing time
missing life
but i'm right here
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello Queerelves, I'm writing this on an iPod, so the ending result might be a bit screwed up. Anywho, this poem was pretty brief and I fancied it quite literal. I'm not quite sure what the shape of the poem was meant to represent; not sure it worked great to be that kind of poem.
Second off, this didn't seem to have a lot of emotion. To me, it seemed like you were describing how life is going too fast, and you aren't getting enough time to really live it. In this kind of poetry, you want to put in a lot of emotion.
Besides the aforementioned, I couldnt find much else to berate. Nice job. I like tour ending. I'd say my main advice is to express more emotion.
Overall rating: 7/10
Keep writing!
+1
Hello! Oh gosh how I love your poetry <3
This is so perfect. Please tell me if I'm wrong but I'm guessing this is about how you're right there, you're alive, but time goes by and your wasting time because your numb. I don't know I could be way off, but that's good. Because that means you've left enough room for the reader to make their own story to relate to.
I compliment you, very great work. I love how you've created your own style. Keep it up
- Kamryn
Edited to show the proper format ^^
Hello!
So, I noticed that you have 0 capitalized letters. While I see how this could be for better flow, it sends the message that you are an amateur poet, which I am positive you aren't!
So, an idea of what it SHOULD look like is this:
Tick
Tick
Tick
Time is
Tick
Tick
Ticking
And so on.
Another thing is your use of the word 'tick'. I suggest that you should lighten up on the use of it, try to find another word to replace it.
Also, I recommend that you use commas in places such as
Tick
Tick
Tick,
And
Missing out
Missing time
Missing life,
Oh, and try adding a period or two to add drama. But don't add too many, because that could break up the flow of the poem.
That's about it; Happy Review Day!
Hello ^^ Thank you for the review! The lack of capitalization and punctuation was intentional; I almost never write poetry that uses either. If I include capitalization or punctuation, it's typically for a very, very specific purpose.
Here to review your poem!
Like "JaredTrombley" below commented, at first glance this poem looks a little underdeveloped, which may be from time constraints when posting or for the repetion. I do however think that your poem still has some good substance even with all the repetion.
Things I liked:
I loved the ironic lines "but i'm not there" and then in the end "but i'm right here" and also the part that that the speaker is "missing time" but obviously time is surounding them. I just graduated from high school last week, so reading this poem makes me think about how fast your childhood can pass you by and also how we can't get stuck thinking of the past. I like this message and think it is relevant especially in the modern world where we can get caught up in either the past or future and forget the present.
What could be improved:
You repeat "tick'/ tick/ ticking" a few times but the first time there are three ticks so you could change it to two to be consistent. Also the line "And I'm missing" followed by "missing out" doesn't really make sense if you read it together. If you added a comma or took out the first "missing" it would add clarity to the piece.
Nice job, and good luck in future writing!:)
~alliyah
Thank you! ^^ The "missing"/"missing out" makes a little more sense in the original version, which has formatting. I'm going to try to add it to this version too, so hopefully it'll read like I intended.
Yes, formatting makes all the difference. I see how it works now that it's spaced like that! And your welcome!
To be frank, this poem is undeveloped. Essentially, a good portion of it is the word 'tick' and 'ticking'. It is my understanding from a comment below of yours that:
So I understand why it's not very developed. If there were an award for summing up the play "Our Town" in a short poem, this would take the win (if you have read "Our Town", you will understand this).
Here's the part I feel is the best at summing the poem up. It's simple and to-the-point. You're missing out on life because time is going by so fast.
To follow this up, perhaps you should write about a magic remote that pauses time. Then you would essentially have as much time as you need.
I'm just going to assume that the lowercase 'i' was intentional in the poem, so I won't comment on that. I tried my best to imagine how it might be properly formatted, as I can tell the formatting is messed up. When I look at it that way, it flows much better. Overall, for a piece of work that was put together very quickly, it surprisingly isn't entirely devoid of purpose and meaning.
Formatting on yws is pretty hard, amirite?
A good way to post your poem and keep the formatting is to write it in MS word, or what have you, then use the snipping tool to cut it out. Then just upload it as an image. ^_^
Love the poem! <3
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
I've always like whimsical poems with blurred messages for interpretation, so this one was great. I have to say I will be a bit biased about it, but hey, praise is always good!
Time is relative, and so is the term, so it's always fun to mess around with it. While I can't say that this poem was absolutely spectacular, as there aren't a lot of interesting symbols or metaphors, I can say that it was well worth the read. The length is great, because once I was about to get annoyed with your repetition, it ended, and I didn't have a problem anymore.
Definitely the strong point of the poem, in my eyes. A bit vague as to what you are trying to convey, but I like the oxy-moron-ish contradiction you make right at the end. Even if you are completely involved in life and time and making an effort to use as wisely as possible, there are still those days when you will look back and wonder where it all went, and how you missed it. The poem speaks to me in that way, and that's probably why I like it so much.
Though short, it's a job well done.
Thank you queerelves!
Happy review day! Fallen here to review this spe ial poem!!!! Let's get started (sorry for typos) first off I like the edge this poems hold as if to say even when time moves on and crap happens the speaker will stand and aid wherever the speaker is needed whether with family/love or to help out. Very nicley done even I I'm compltky wrong with my thoughts. I enjoyec the ticks expecially since you kept with the pattern an ide for the first set of toxic perhaps do what the others are to maintain the pattern "tick,tick,ticking." I see no errors to correct you on so Back to praise! I liked how you used "running,missing" it helps emphazize the importance in the speakers thoughts on time ticking awsy. Overall, very well done and keep at it. Till next time.
_Fallen.
Hi there, I'm The Black Sheep. This is my first review and as I have mild anxiety I'm very happy for this to be the first writing piece I review. First of course there's the obvious "grammatical errors". I hate those words by the way so I'm sorry to bring them. I'm not criticizing them however because for this particular piece I think that they work for it. The idea that the narrator is losing time, watching it as it passes him/her, works with the almost not caring theme that lack of capitalization presents. I don't know if you did this on purpose but if you did, or even if you didn't, I congratulate you. You've managed to create a way for the writing to come alive in other way than just the writing. Well done.
Hello there, Crim here and happy review day!
I read this poem on here, really liked it. Then I read it on writerfeed with the correct formatting and I fell in absolute love it.
The repetition that you have used is just so effective, and the flow you've got going is completely flawless. The words 'passing' and 'running' used so close together is so gorgeous and smooth, I don't quite know how to describe it.
Also the ending is such... kapow. So raw, so full of emotion but so simplistic, it's perfect.
Sorry for the short review but I can't really give any constructive criticism because I don't think I can actually find a fault in it - all I will say is that it is about a million times better with the formatting you intended, it just really, really works.
Take care and keep writing,
Crim
I like this, it is somewhat short and all but it still seems very well written and thought out. I love this. Some may say it is to underdeveloped but don't listen to them. It is awesome
Actually, it wasn't very developed
Ten minutes before Review Day started, two other people and I decided to see if we could finish and upload poems before Review Day started, and this was what I wrote
well to me it seemed great for how fast it was written
Hi, Happy Review Day! I hope you don't mind me making a review in this poem. So I can see how this involves depression and anxiety. Time yet flies be so fast, not many people can tell how sad we are. We feel like we're missing out in the crowd, and we feel like nobody can ever accept us as we are all alone. Someday, one will eventually understand how we feel, and pull us away from despair.
But again, this poem may be deep, but it's a very good poem indeed. So keep writing until the very end, queerelves! And again, Happy Review Day!
I was rushed posting this and didn't bother formatting it correctly. If you'd like to see the correct formatting, you can see the original here: http://writerfeedpad.com/fYzpCRH4lW