Young Writers Society

Hello again, my friend!

Oh wow, I wish I had read this sooner, because it explains so much! Albeit short, it's such a tragic piece, and it stirs up so much emotion in just a few paragraphs. You're cringing and dreading what happens next, seeing Rei with the weaponized metal, but then you share in the sadness when you hear his own parents having to consider "letting him go" for his own and Damian's sake. Then, everything immediately becomes eerie as it ends with his laughing and that chilling revelation.

Considering Rei actually was "let go" after this, I'm curious as to how he met back up with Damian, and how that went. Clearly, they have a strained and extremely toxic relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. Intruiging...

This chapter was written well, too, and I spy no visible errors ~

Nicely done!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is quite the piece here. It seems like Rei from a pretty early age was getting right to the kind of unstable point that we see in the later stories. This is now making me ask a lot about how he got to that point though given how it seems like Rei was always this unstable.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rei sat in the corner of the hospital room. His father was by his mother’s side as she held a baby in her arms. Rei tried to look around his father but couldn’t see around his father’s broad figure. Rei didn’t understand but for some reason his parents weren’t comfortable with him being by a newborn. As he sat in the rusty chair he remember something he heard his father said the moment his baby brother was born...

Rei stood by the doorway of the hospital room. His mother holding the baby protectively and sobbing. His father had his hands up and was approaching Rei slowly. His lips were moving but Rei heard no sound. Suddenly, he raised his fists, which were clenched tightly around a broken piece of metal. The metal sliced his palm and he smiled as the blood ran down his hand.

“Rei, I need you to calm down.” His father’s voice finally reached Rei’s ears. But, to his father’s dismay, Rei didn’t lower the weapon. “Rei, I need you to lower the weapon. I promise you, your mother and I still love you even though there’s another baby in the house.”

“NO YOU WON’T! YOU’RE GOING TO FORGET ABOUT ME! ALL YOU’LL THINK OF IS THE DAMN BABY!” Rei shouted. Tears streamed down his face. Mixing with the blood as the tear drops fell to the ground beneath him.

He watched his father back away and duck as Rei threw the metal piece in the direction of his father. Once, the piece went flying, Rei felt a strong yet soft hand touch his shoulders. He looked up and saw the hospital’s child counselor. Rei glanced at his parents who had concerned and sorry faces. His cheeks burned as he let the frustration, fear, and sadness mix within him and fill him up from his toes to his head. The counselor softly urged Rei to get up.

Reluctantly, Rei got up and let the counselor lead him out of the room. More tears ran down his face as he heard his father whisper, “This is exactly what I feared. He’s a danger to himself and Damian. I’m just not comfortable with Rei being around the baby even with us here…maybe its time to let him go.” To his mother. All heard was his mother’s sobs in response before the door shut behind him…

Rei wiped away a single tear and let out a laugh. He always laughed in hard situations. Which is why his parents used to call him The Happy Clown.

Poor Rei…he’s got intense emotions. In the other chapters, he’s trying to avenge the deaths of his parents, so this incident, I think, doesn’t make Rei stop loving them, but it does affect his sanity and his relationship with people. Calling him ”The Happy Clown” probably only pushed him even further to put on a facade of happiness because people might have preferred that side of him more.

I wish you an amazing day/night.

Heyo, SkyJayde! Here to leave you a review~!

Oof- like I said before, I feel bad for Rei, but at the same time, he's gone overboard. This memory is very interesting though..

I wonder if Rei acts abusive toward Damian 'cause of this? And even though his parents talked about giving him away, it seems that Rei still wants to avenge them... so he's capable of human love, after all? So many exciting questions!

Now for the feedback. You did well with the descriptions and the aNGST in this story. There was lots of emotion! The part where Rei couldn't hear his father was creative and added suspense.

I was just a bit confused in the 2nd paragraph. At first, I thought it was a repeat of the 1st para. Looks like it's meant to be a flashback, but maybe you could make that clearer.

For example, adding a "/That day,/ Rei stood by the doorway..." and changing the previous sentence to "...remember something /that happened/ the moment his brother was born..." Since right now, it talks about something his father "said." That made me expect a quote instead of a flashback, so the time-jump confused me. Try to be clearer or more consistent; don't let the reader feel lost at any point!

But all in all, this piece was gr8!! Feels like a cliffhanger for some reason.. I wanna know moree. Poor Rei - looks like the counseling didn't help enough. ;-;

Wow! I really liked this piece. I need to go back and read the other parts to this masterpiece!

Now, let me go through the details I loved...

"The metal sliced his palm and he smiled as the blood ran down his hand."
This sentence is so creepy, but so perfect. I can totally picture that half-insane smile. So perfect! (But maybe add a comma between the word "palm" and the word "and")

Now, your setting. Your descriptions of the setting are very accurate and simple. The "rusty" chair instantly gave me a sense that this is not the upper-class hospital where everything's white and clean. No, I picture a darkly lit room. The atmosphere you create here is sinister...perfect for the scene you are about to describe. Good job!

Now, let's move on to the conflict...*evil giggle* Fantastic. I can't describe it in another word. You did an amazing job of creating tension between Rei and his parents. Rei is (as I know from the bit of reading I had been doing on this work prior to reading this) a boy with considerable issues. He can perhaps be considered half-demonic. He is strangely interested in destroying people. And he needs to be the center of attention almost always. He relies on it. That's why the introduction of a sibling is so horrifying to him. It's painful. He is perhaps already lacking a good amount of attention, and the thought that now he'll lose even more is something he cannot stand. He is unstable. And his parents want to shun him out because they know he's dangerous. That hurts. Obviously, although something is clearly wrong with Rei, he is capable of human emotions; he cries. But, he also has this strange emotional strength that enables him to laugh. Odd...

Now, I want to discuss the father and mother. You built up a lot of sympathy for these two. I feel torn between wanting to sympathize with the family which is trying to protect the newborn, and Rei who feels shut out. This tension is stellarly written. (I'm a writer. I can make up words like "stellarly" lol)

A few nitpicks...

"Rei stood by the doorway of the hospital room. His mother holding the baby protectively and sobbing."

"His mothing holding the baby protectively and sobbing" is technically a fragment. Perhaps join it to the previous sentence with a comma sorta like this:
"Rei stood by the doorway of the hospital room, his mother holding the baby protectively and sobbing."

And since we're on the topic of that sentence...is the mother sobbing?? Or is it the baby? It sounds like the mother is, but I am misreading that....?

Also, I suggest putting this in 16+ age range. You use the word "d**n" and overall the storyline is creepy and maybe not suited to just everyone...Just a suggestion...

Overall, fantastic job. Gonna check out your other parts of this book soon.

Happy writing,
Kaia

Hey there! So this is my review:

One potential positive in this story is the presence of the child counselor. Their intervention may help Rei receive the support and guidance he needs to work through his emotional difficulties.

Additionally, Rei's ability to find humor and laughter even in difficult situations may be a sign of his resilience and ability to cope with stress.

It's also possible that Rei's parents' concern for the safety of their newborn sibling demonstrates a positive desire to protect their children and prioritize their well-being. However, their decision to consider "letting him go" is concerning and potentially harmful to Rei's mental health and well-being.


There are a few improvements I'd suggest.

Firstly, there needs to be more context given as to why Rei's parents are uncomfortable with him being around the newborn.

Secondly, the story feels rushed and lacks detail. It would benefit from more descriptions and a slower pace to help the reader understand Rei's emotions and actions.

Finally, the story ends too abruptly. There is no resolution or explanation given for Rei's behavior. It would be better to expand on this and provide closure for the reader.

*Ignore this comment. Accidentally hint “submit” instead of “Edit Work”*