Young Writers Society

Hello again, my friend!

Oh, I was both excited and cringing when the chapter opened with Rei in a public, casual setting. I mean, in his own words, he was looking for victims. It's also really cool to see his reaction to things we would commonly find homey, relaxing, etc. The smells coming from a cafe/pastry shop is one we all know and (usually) like, so seeing that he prefers blood and rotting flesh, that was such a nasty little addition to his character. It was a minor addition, but tells a lot.

Also, on that note, your descriptions were very nice. I would even say that if you added some *visual* or *audible* notes to the cafe, using cues such as "soft lighting, amber-toned wood, classic piano music" (etc, etc...). Then, in contrast, explain that Rei would prefer his dark room and whimpers of pain, or something like that, and it would really double down on the point that he has a few screws loose, haha.

I should also say, on a grammar note, that you should put commas at the end of dialogue instead of periods. For example,

"Hey, Rei. It's been a while," his brother said without looking up.

It's a very minor detail, but structurally speaking, this would add some polish.

I'm very interested to see that Rei has family, and furthermore, that he's still in touch with at least one member. It's clear that Damian doesn't take kindly to him, but is that because Rei is just weird, Damian knows about his murderous tendencies, or something else entirely? Intriguing, indeed, and another reason to keep reading...

*And that little note on the end, when he told Athena to hush about the bloodstain, was fun. I love a killer character that's playful and/or has good manners (as ironic as it is)*

Overall, great chapter!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So first of all I'm sorry. I thought this was part two of the chapter somehow because of the way it was ordered in the sidebar to the right. I completely missed this and skipped to part two. Reading this provided some nice insights immediately here. And I think this is very much a very interesting first half here, setting up Rei and his current motivation and introducing his character a little bit more than that second half which I now realize has to be building on this one already. So anyways, that aside, this has been a lovely first half. I think it introduces us to Rei and a couple of potential major players quite well and builds on the prologue to showcase just who Rei is very well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was the middle of August and it was sweltering hot out. To make things worse, it had just rained so the air was more humid than usual.

Rei hummed happily to himself as he strolled through the park. To his delight, the park was full of potential victims. All ranging in size and age. However, Rei was looking for one person in particular. He frowned as he scanned the faces of everyone there. To his disappointment, his prey wasn’t there. With a sigh, Rei left the park.

He walked a few blocks to a small coffee shop where his little brother worked. Even though his little brother had made it very clear (multiple times in fact) that he didn’t want anything to do with Rei, Rei thought it would be a good idea to pay his brother a visit. Rei smiled as he pushed open the door to the coffee shop. The smell of freshly ground coffee beans and bakery treats hit his nose. Most people would find this scent to be absolute bliss but Rei found it to be absolutely repulsive. Why people enjoyed such a scent made no sense to him. He preferred the smell of blood or the rotting flesh of his victims. It gave him a sense of mindfulness.

He resisted his urge to walk right back out the door, and made his way to the counter, which was where his brother’s pregnant wife was taking orders. He looked around the people in front of him, completely ignoring the death stare he was receiving. He spotted his brother making all the drinks and handing out bakery items.

“Hey, Rei. It’s been awhile.” His brother said without looking up.

“Nice to see you too, Damian.” Rei replied with a giant smile.

Damian shuddered at the sight of Rei’s smile. He knew it all too well. “Athena can take your order if you’re here for a drink or food.” Damian said as he went back to making the orders. He pushed the image of Rei’s smile out of his mind. Rei turned to Athena, wearing the same smile. She offered him a death glare in return.

“You know something I don’t, don’t you.” He stated before placing his order, “I’ll have an iced cold brew with extra sweet cream.” Athena typed his drink into the computer in front of her. Ignoring his statement. Once it was all plugged in, she turned the screen towards him to show him the price.

Rei paid with cash. He knew the police could track his last known location if he used a credit card. So to be on the safe side he used cash that he had earned from working little jobs. That way the cops had no chance of finding him. Athena took the money hesitantly, noticing the small red blood stain in the corner of a bill.

She eyed him warily.

“Hush, darling~” Rei whispered

REEEE I'm super late to leave a review T_T but I'm here now!

This chapter is very interesting and thrilling. I'm not gonna lie, I enjoy reading from Rei's perspective. Maybe a bit too much for my own good, but it's fine, he can't hurt me, right?? Just like Douma :'D

The smell of freshly ground coffee beans and bakery treats hit his nose. Most people would find this scent to be absolute bliss but Rei found it to be absolutely repulsive.

Damian shuddered at the sight of Rei’s smile. He knew it all too well. “Athena can take your order if you’re here for a drink or food.” Damian said as he went back to making the orders. He pushed the image of Rei’s smile out of his mind.

You definitely gave this some thought. Rei becomes an interesting character within a few lines of your writing. He's obviously evil and interested in revenge and murder. He seems to have no limitations to his desire to kill and cause suffering, but what makes him interesting is that he holds all of these desires in check. He doesn't like the smells most people like, and while his senses tell him to leave, he has the willpower to stay. The conflict between what makes him feel comfortable and what he desires creates an interesting touch.

You introduced three characters in this scene, and with excellent skill. I am not confused as to who is who. Good job.

I wanted to point out really quickly that "Which was where his brother’s pregnant wife was taking orders" is technically a fragment and should be added to the preceding sentence: "He resisted his urge to walk right back out the door, and made his way to the counter."

I also want to say that I really like the name "Rei." It's unique and memorable. Perfect for a villain.

Overall, I really enjoyed this short piece.

Good job and happy writing,
Kaia

Avenge the deaths of his parents? How noble of him! I wonder who killed his parents. Whoever did is going to have a horrible day. Damian and Athena must sense his unhinged nature, because they were nervous to around him. I know Rei is supposed to be a villain, but I feel kind of sorry for him. He must have been so sweet before his life took a turn for the worst.

I wish you a fabulous day/night.

Hi, quick review for this chapter!
The prologue for this book really grabbed my attention, and this chapter did as well. In the second paragraph, it said,

Rei hummed happily to himself as he strolled through the park. To his delight, the park was full of potential victims. All ranging in size and age. However, Rei was looking for one person in particular.

The smell of freshly ground coffee beans and bakery treats hit his nose. Most people would find this scent to be absolute bliss but Rei found it to be absolutely repulsive.

“You know something I don’t, don’t you.” He stated before placing his order. Athena typed his drink into the computer in front of her.