Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Alright so I know it’s been awhile since I posted an update with “Just Clowning Around” so below are the previous chapters and a short little recap.
Go check out these first few chapters for a little more context!
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/SkyJayde/...
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/SkyJayde/...
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/SkyJayde/...
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=155678
And if you want, here's a little bonus chapter!
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/SkyJayde/...
Here's a quick recap:
Ok so just quickly, here's a little recap of the story so far. As we know, Rei is a murderer who is known as The Happy Clown. He met with his brother to ask about his next victim, a man known as Arson Brooks. Now he’s at home and doing his thing. He's basically just reminiscing about his past victims and his own life. So yeah, short and sweet and to the point. Have fun reading!
I hope you enjoy!
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He finished his plan of attack and put the notebook away. He was going to kill a few people just to calm his nerves. He needed to get his feelings out. He didn't like this feeling of not knowing how he should feel. It didn't make sense, how could someone who hasn't felt anything in years, suddenly feel warm and sad at the same time? It just didn't make sense...did it?
Rei got up and went to his bed. He let out a big yawn and laid down. he was tired but couldn't sleep. Fucking insomnia. He thought as he sat up again. He could never really fall asleep even if he wanted to.
Oh well.
At least he could go over his most meaningful victims. Like Damian's ex-girlfriend who was abusive and toxic, or maybe he could remember how he was a date with a nice girl a couple weeks ago...
Too bad she cheated a week later. He rolled his eyes at the memory and he dragged his feet as he sat in his mishappen chair in front of the TV, maybe something of interest would catch his eye. Nope. Nothing interesting to him was on. He checked the time really quick to see when the sun would be rising. He did enjoy watching the sunrise. Even though he was by himself, he didn't mind. As long as he was somewhere where he could see the sun rise of the distant, snowcapped mountains, he was content.
3:45am the clock read.
Not for another three hours. he sighed and went back to mindlessly flipping through TV channels just to kill time. He got bored however and went to his closet where he kept a very special binder. He opened it and nearly burst into tears. The very first thing in the binder was an image of his family. Without Damian. Just him, his mom, and his dad. A happy family. A family that was torn apart by a single child. But it wasn't all his fault now. He knew Damian kept a few dark secrets of his own. Rei's mission? Find those secrets.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the review?
Top Graham Cracker - Rei is back home, where he decides to kill a few more people to let off some steam. He also thinks of his past life, of a simpler time…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - “He” for Rei being tired wasn’t capitalized, but that’s about it.
Chocolate Bar - You know, it feels more like Rei might have more to his killings than I first thought. Like it had something to do with Damian being born. I like that. My favorite parts was when Rei thought that killing people would simply make him feel better and how he wants to reveal Damian’s “dark secrets”.
Closing Graham Cracker -A nice little chapter that delves more into Rei’s thoughts and how he feels with Damian/murder overall. I’m excited to see the next chapter!
I wish you an amazing day/night!
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it.
%u2601SkyJayde%u2601
Salutations, curious mind!
Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
I have to admit, I didn’t read all of the other chapters, I’m reviewing based on the info in this chapter and your recap.
I am glad to see this story evolving, it’s getting really interesting. I reviewed one of the earlier chapters of this story some time ago, however your recap was really useful. Good job!!
You have a nice writing style along with an amazing concept, I would definitely encourage you to continue writing this, if that’s what you want of course.
Areas to Improve:✒️
The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.
More details:
I would suggest you go a little more in detail over here. Give your reader a little sneak peak of Rei’s plan, will ya’. ^-^
I’m so curious to see what trick he’s going to pull out or if it's just going to be the normal smash and kill job.
If I read this as someone who's never read this before: You’ve definitely got the suspense right after that first opening line. After reading your recap and that first paragraph, I’m immediately curious to know who he’s going to murder.
I think you can flesh the scene out more, by adding some details or a more vivid description of the surroundings.
~~~
This is a nitpick:
Over here, you wrote: “... he was a date with…”, I think what you mean to write was, “...he was on a date with…
~~~
In the end, I’d suggest you add some questions or some more description to make it more engaging.
For example,
Before:
After:
[/quote]
Nailed It!💐
I have to say you’re cover rocks! For real, did you draw that yourself, because it’s really cool and fitting with your story. I love the effect it gives off, a psycho happy joker clown. Great!!
Overall Feelings:
This was a nice chapter along with some interesting thoughts of Rei. Even though this chapter was short, I definitely enjoyed reading. You have a nice writing style along with an amazing concept. As mentioned above, I definitely suggest you write this story further, if that’s your wish. This was awesome!
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
For Inspiration about Clowns, check out any story by @Vampricone6783
This author explores the happy, dark, horror, angry and cursed paths of her circus with clowns. The gripping tales will make you want to click on another story for more, from her series to her origin stories.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it. I do have to admit that I didn't much detail partly because I'm planning on posting another chapter that is longer so that chapter will have any missing details that this short chapter lacks. I appreciate you pointing out my errors in typos, etc. and giving me a way to improve me story. I do recommend reading the other chapters so that this story has a bit more context than just my little recap.
Quick question, (with your permission, of course) would you be ok if I used this:
"He knew Damian kept a few dark secrets of his own. Like when their neighbour%u2019s dog mysteriously disappeared after their mom was complaining for ages that he was peeing on their lawn. Or that other time when dad came home missing one finger and Damien some hours later with a bloodied knife. What if he also became a killer Clown like Rei? But he was an Angry Clown instead of a Happy one like Rei?
No, that%u2019s stupid, Rei thought. Damien, a clown? Nah, never.
Rei had a new mission? Find those secrets."
I could also rephrase it to make it my own, but I just wondering if I could use it, because I do have to admit it is pretty good and a bit more intriguing than what I wrote. No pressure or anything. I don't mind if you say no, simply just wondering!
%u2601SkyJayde%u2601
Hey Sky!
I'm glad to see that my suggestions are helpful ^-^ And Ofc, you can use the thing I wrote, but I would suggest you rephrase it and make it you're own. =D
I'll check out some of the other chapters then.
Cheers,
Amaya
Hello!
Saw that this was just posted and thought to spin by and give it a review. I'm not actually quite sure where I left off. But your short summary did a good job of reminding me of something of what had happened before, (though I do not remember the part about him having a girlfriend or any of that.) I will say, though, those details add a little more to the mix of emotions that Rei must be feeling, and drive me more deeply into this brain of a villain I cannot completely understand.
The actual narrative was surprisingly short. However, it did lend to a picture that Rei is bored and is trying rather unsuccessfully to get through the night. I love some of your expressions here, such as "mindlessly flipping through the TV channels just to kill time." This gives me the image that Rei is not only bored, but also frustrated. I see a rather grumpy expression on his face as he "kills" time. And yes, that word choice there was excellent to depict the grave horror still wrapped around this peculiar fellow.
Despite all of that, Rei is still at heart a child who nearly bursts into tears upon finding a photograph. I see Rei as almost two people-a relentless killer, and a little boy who just wants safety and security. Rei struggles to balance himself between these two poles, and it leads to an interesting inner conflict which makes him such an interesting, psychological character. The last words of the section are a perfect way to wrap up the chapter and leave the reader interested in what is going to happen next. Wonderful job there!
A few thoughts for improvement...
Try capitalizing the "he" here. Also, perhaps give this a L rating or at least a 16+ label for using that word?
A few things on this section first of all "je" should be "he." A quick fix. Also, shouldn't it be "ex-girlfriend"? The fragment starting with "like" I'm really in debate about. It is technically a fragment and the second thought starting with "or" seems rather unrelated to the beginning of the sentence, but it does yield nicely to give the impression that Rei's thoughts are segmented and random. So, do whatever you will with that sentence. I just thought I'd point that out.
And lastly this one. This is a real nitpick, but maybe try to expand on this a little by using a stronger verb than "went." If he's grumpy than maybe he dragged himself to the chair or something similar. I just think that that sentence could be greatly improved if you add a stronger verb that will describe how Rei got to the chair. (I'm sorry if that was too much of a nitpick)
Hope this review finds you well!
-Kaia
Hello!
I appreciate your feedback and thanks for pointing out my typos. I do tend to think faster than I type hence the typos. So thanks for that. I appreciate the little tips for improvements as well!
%u2601SkyJayde%u2601
You're welcome!