Young Writers Society

One more review for the day ~

Okay, now that I see more, I understand more the angle between Damian and Rei. The fact that Damian knows his code in coffee orders shows that they do "business" relatively frequently, Rei grabbing his wrist and insulting him shows that he's clearly in charge and has a strong hold over him, and Damian's anxious or defensive tones throughout makes it clear that he does note want to be a part of Rei's career. Likewise, Rei threatening to pin the murders on him? Brutal! Very toxic relationship between the two, but what would anyone expect from a serial killer, right? That works nicely, and builds the picture of what Rei is like when he's not hunting.

The fact that Rei can scare or intimidate people just by smiling is another interesting note. The way others react, I imagine that he has a normal face, then suddenly starts to look like Jeff the Killer. In which case, yeah, I'd be scared too!

Anyway, truth be told, I like short and snappy opening chapters, but I think you could stand to add a *little* more body to these chapters. Combining the former and this one, for sure, would work nicely.

However, that is just my personal opinion, and I am no professional.

Another great and suspenseful chapter!

Wow! I entirely forgot this story existed to be honest. So, I'm very glad I ran across "Just Clowning Around: Short story; A piece of Rei's memory" to remind me that there's a bit of clever writing I'm missing out on. That aside, let's get into the business, here.

First of all, I always have to pay my compliments to your wonderful descriptive skills.
"He could feel the other customers' eyes on him as he took seat, so he turned around and offered all of them a big smile. To his satisfaction, they turned away, shuddering."

That totally gives me a picture of just how creepy Rei's "killer" smile is. (Killer smile! Wow that one really hits the spot!)

And this snippet...
"I wouldn't struggle. I already broke your wrist twice the last couple of times we did this."
Another fabulous detail. Rei obviously has the upper hand over his brother, who appears on nerve about Rei being there. Excellent job there.

I do want to point out the typo: "Damina" located in this paragraph: "When Damian didn't respond, Rei grabbed his wrist and didn't let go. He only tightened his grip as Damina struggled to get his wrist away. "Do you understand...."" etc.

Overall, fabulous job! Lookin' forward to the next part.

-Kaia

*Falls in through the roof*


AYoo, I am here! Very happy to see another chapter of Rei's story, woohoo!
I really like the descriptions of Rei's smile, and it was chilling when he snapped and showed his real personality. *cough* Rei's lowkey abusive, I feel bad for Damian. Really hope he doesn't keep leaving Athena in the dark though. I'm sure she could help him.


Loved the sentence with the "exhaled on a low, forced laugh." It has good wording, and I was able to visualize what you meant!
There's just two typos: you forgot the "her" in the 2nd paragraph, "Athena furrowed brows", and the "a" in the same paragraph, during "...eyes on him as he took seat." But that's all!


Arson... Arsene...
HMM, I smell a possible connection

When Rei smiled at everyone that was such an epic Happy Clown moment. Love that he’s so unbothered. I’ll bet that he has a beautiful smile…And he’s getting straight down to business. I have an idea: What if Rei set fire to Arson’s home? Another word for setting fire to a place on purpose is “committing arson”. I don’t know, it was just a thought.

I hope that you will have a marvelous day/night.

Hi, quick review for this chapter!
I'm glad you were able to get out of your writer's block and write this chapter! This was again a really good chapter, it was exciting and it made me want to read the next chapter!
One thing I liked about this chapter is the part where Rei is talking to Damian. We haven't yet seen Rei doing stuff in his evil state, only his personality in public. This contributed to Rei's character development, so you did a good job on that.
i also liked that this chapter had a lot about how Rei smiles creepily.

He could feel the other customers' eyes on him as he took seat, so he turned around and offered all of them a big smile. To his satisfaction, they turned away, shuddering.

But, before he could leave he shot Damian one of his killer smiles. His smiled turning into a smirk as he watched Damian shudder. I'm The Happy Clown. What does he expect?

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: I think this is a lovely scene to start this story off with. Given the prologue, this one nicely expands upon Rei as a character and we see a few more sides to him while we also get to see a glimpse of how he interacts with the world and with his family here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rei watched as Athena put the cash in the register and as Damian peeked over her shoulder to see the order she had written down. Rei noted the suspicious look Damian gave him. He figured it was because he normally ordered Chai's and only ordered Cold Brews when he needed help with something. In fact he did need help. As in he needed help to pinpoint the location of his current to-be victim.

He ignored the whispering he heard as Damian told Athena something. Athena furrowed brows but nodded in agreement with whatever Damian had told her. Rei smiled a little as his brother then turned to face him. "Meet me at the farthest table you can find." Damian told Rei. Rei nodded and went to the table that was furthest from the entrance and in a remote space. He could feel the other customers' eyes on him as he took seat, so he turned around and offered all of them a big smile. To his satisfaction, they turned away, shuddering.

He relaxed a little as Damian took a seat. However, Rei could tell that Damian was anxious because he was fidgeting with his fingers which he doesn't normally do unless he was anxious or uncomfortable. Which in this case it might be both, but Rei didn't care.

"It's so nice to see you again!" Rei lied.

"Stop lying. What do you need?" Damian hissed.

"Ah yes! Have you happened to cross paths with a young fellow named Arson Brooks?"

"No. Is that why you're here?"

"Yep! Will you let me-"

"Absolutely not. Can you leave now?"

Rei's smile disappeared as his eyes darkened. Why wasn't Damian willing to help him out? Rei took a sharp inhale and exhaled on a low, forced laugh. He saw Damian lick his lips nervously.

"Now listen here, you little shit. I need to meet this Arson fellow. If you don't want to be blamed for the recent murders around town then I suggest agreeing with me. Will you let me know if Arson happens to show his disgusting, fat ass face here?" Rei asked. His voice took on a warning tone.

When Damian didn't respond, Rei grabbed his wrist and didn't let go. He only tightened his grip as Damina struggled to get his wrist away. "Do you understand, shithead?" Rei asked one last time, adding "I wouldn't struggle. I already broke your wrist twice the last couple of times we did this."

Damian finally nodded and Rei let go. He noticed the bruise that left on his brother's arm but felt no remorse what he did. "Good!" Rei said as he got up to leave. But, before he could leave he shot Damian one of his killer smiles. His smiled turning into a smirk as he watched Damian shudder.

I'm The Happy Clown. What does he expect?