.A veiled mirror, until we have faces.
Tortured souls, misguided youths,
Tinkering for love through laces
Whilst digging a hole and hiding our truths.
Fettered in chains, we hide.
Encompassing humans,we run naught.
Trying to squirm, trying to hide from lies.
Dangling from a spiderweb, colors now caught.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock ticks as the monsters live.
Crying and screeching are silenced, the souls embers done.
Clawing our way out of a hole we dug, living on gives.
Searching to be free like how birds once flew, freedom never gone.
Finally freed of the demons that once stood,
Showing the world that you could.
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Canary word: Present
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
I'm not quiet sure what to say this time I'm running out of things to comment when I read each of your pieces but I always enjoy reading your work and I think you did a great job as usual wonderful job on this poem and I can't wait to find more of your poetry oh and I love the first paragraph of it I really don't know what to say but great job I love this piece by you and keep up the good work
I like the message behind the poem but I feel it gets lost a little bit because of the rhythm. Things are very choppy here and they don't really seem to fit together all that great. It's sort of like smashing the wrong puzzle piece in a spot because you want it to work. I can't give any sort of definitive answer, but I think this might have to do with the rhyming. In the third stanza for instance, that last line seemed way too drawn out and I feel it might have gotten that way because you were searching for a rhyme with snuffed? My general rule is that if you ever have to search for a rhyme, scratch out what you have and think up a different way to say what you mean. That tends to fix the flow of things and it will often help you expand your vocabulary (believe me, it really does!)
. It might have been a little bit cliche but what isn't? Just tighten up the rhythm a bit and it could be really good!
Still, I liked the poem. I liked that you went through and edited it, because I don't love having to fix grammar mistakes
Hey there! Noir here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Let's rock.
First up, concept. The concept of somebody rising up over everyone else is always one I like to read. It gives me hope that I can rise up above all of my classmates(none of which I can stand! >.<). It's a concept commonly used, and it was used here rather well. 9/10
Next up, rhythm. I have to say this: There were several parts where I felt that the stanzas were just put together, and there also seemed to be a lot of filler parts that just threw the rhythm off. In the second stanza, I think you could take off "running in circles". By doing this, the second and fourth line of the stanza would maintain a rhythm. I just think you could take some things out and it would still give off an emotional impact. 6/10
Finally, grammar. I found no grammar mistakes, so good job! 10/10
Overall: The concept was classic and yet refreshing. The rhythm needs work, but it won't be impossible. No grammar mistakes.
This gets my hyena rating of 8/10.
This has been NoirLumiere, and there's your review. Good night, and keep rocking!
This is really good! thanks! I am a new writer so any help is gladly taken! <333 if you ever need a review,I mean I'm heree...