Tinkering for love through lace.
Provocative clothing to show.
The meaning of love has gone to waste,
burning through inches of snow.
A showing of sizes are up for grabs,
but none of them seem to be up to par.
Each man is a different gamble,
but their feels are frighteningly the same.
Nothing but want,
nothing but greed.
The world revolving around thee.
Our hopes of love are
diminished,
forever scattered throughout the wind.
A festering of lust blossoms through,
and the embers are lit.
But soon they are snuffed,
their smoke twisting in the air.
A couple argues,
a couple loves.
But never enough to truly
Be.
For others are watching.
They are the leaves on trees;
the serpent in Eden’s Forest.
Never to be found,
for their disguise is thick.
But there they are;
watching and planning.
For the destruction of mankind.
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hi Scandalous Pheonix! A belated welcome to YWS since I don't think I've greeted you yet!
Now, on to the piece. I'm going to have to dissent from my fellow Quadling here: Poetry does not have to rhyme, and experimenting with line breaks is totally fine, althou,b.gh I don't know if it adds much in this case. Also, the whole thing is bold. This has happened to me, and it can be hard to fix, but I'd try editing it out (you might have to look at the HTML code and remove a <b></b> tag.)
Now about the rhyming: You have it in the beginning and a couple other places, but elsewhere you don't. It's fine to go either way, but the mix of both is jarring.
Love this opening, but the punctuation is a little odd. I don't think the first line needs a period. I'd say a comma instead.
The word feels threw me off. At first I thought it meant feelings, but I think it's more like "copping a feel". It fits but sounds odd. I think hands would fit better.
Aside from the rhyme, I'm not sure how well this fits in to the rest of the piece. I think you could cut it.
A lot of words there that contradict each other. Is the lust festering? Blooming? Burning? I don't think festering is a noun, so I might change it to something more in line with the others. Maybe something that scent or odor to play off blossom?
Absolutely loved this. Honestly, I feel like you could end right there.
I'm not crazy about the ending. It seems to be spelling out the message, plus it adds some weird supernatural/religious angle that wasn't there to begin with. I think you have such great imagery with the lust beating love in the beginning, so why add imaginary creatures to muck it up?
Also, you used semicolons a lot at the end. I find that annoying in general, as they're often used incorrectly. I find myself pondering the grammar more than the words themselves. Just something to consider in the future.
Overall, there's some powerful stuff here, but I think it could be trimmed a little. Good job and keep writing!
Heya! Alf here for a review! May you see this as a way to improve, young lady!
I myself have rarely done any rhymes in most of my poems because it's really difficult, but I'm happy that you've executed it here. Beautifully in fact. But not perfectly. Why not perfectly? Because I saw in your first few stanzas that the rhymes impeded the lines from going together. See this:
Okay, so first and foremost, I'd like to salute you for your rhymes
First, you talked about tinkering love, then you move on to a line that represents a noun. The connection between the two is there, but to move on to that line is not a good move because there was no transition. In poem, a transition is a must so that you can easily poke he minds of readers. You can't do it by jumping off to one scene to the next. You need to rewrite most of your lines in the first few parts so that you can develop coherency between them.
With coherency comes fluidity. And I say that your last few lines are fluid, but they've become pretty dry, a bit too simple. A few embellishments of figurative language or a bit ore description can do the trick!
Well, that's all I can say for now! Thanks for a wonderful review! Have fun writing and good luck!
Your pal,
Al
Black here for another Review Day Review!
Okay, so I don't usually do poetry (Reviews or writing) but here I am.
Okay, so this was an interesting piece, I'll say! The way you write makes the poetry fairly easy to read, it flows off the page and I rarely need a second glance to understand something! Nice work . . . You do a good job showing the theme as well!
All right, in my opinion you need things to smooth out a bit better, to do that you need a bit of rhyme . . . rhyme really helps a reader when reading poetry, it smooths things out!
This piece is somewhere between true poetry and narrative poetry, if you turned it all into paragraphs it would still read fine, but not as well as it could, (And not that differently than from in verse form).
I think that you should stop using single words as a line, you used 'be' once . . . that's just too small, it could have been put on the end of another line sooooo easily, and it would have looked a lot better.
Overall? Toss in some rhyme, cut out those single word lines, and keep up the good work! This is a nice piece! Keep it up!
Keep writing! (Practice makes perfect)
~Black~