I am a clock; I am time.
I never stop; I always go.Every second, I count.
Every minute, I take.
There is a war raging inside the heart.
No one is there to hear,
for there is none to see.
I am slowly,
fading
away with time.
I resemble shattered glass:
having to be picked up and thrown away.
I am no one.
One of billions on His Earth.
Who will notice me gone,
while I flirt with Marethyu,
and hope to be relinquished,
of the demons I face.
For no one understands this,
no one understands how it feels like,
to have a secret
Burning inside you,
Eating your soul.
I am the ashes of the dead, billowing in the wind.
My pieces are gone, never to be put together again.
Pieces of mine are lost or broken.
Never to be seen again.
Constantly losing pieces as I struggle to grab more,
I am beckoned to my knees,
crying out in the pain it causes.
I feel nothing,
and wait for the day I do.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,639 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hi ScandalousPhoenix! Okay to ze review...
This poem was pretty abstract, and I'm pretty sure that was the whole point when writing it. It was very creative, though I think you should give it more of a fixed point instead of moving from different topics. Your title is "Clocks", so maybe you should strive to relate the whole poem to a clock somehow, other than just the first stanza. Otherwise, great work!
I didn't really understand what was going on, though I get the feeling this is supposed to be more about an emotional point in time, rather than a fixed narrative. I'm not great with poetry or the abstract so I'll do my best to review you, but know that there are others with opinions far better than mine here.
Ok, anyway, I liked your use of metaphors here. They're subtle, but able to convey some real pain, like this bit:
"My pieces are gone, never to be put together again.
Pieces of mine are lost or broken."
It's not too in your face, and I like that. That said, clarity is lacking a little, and if there's a specific story you're trying to tell, rather than just an emotion you want to convey, it could be made more clear. Naturally, it intends on your intentions as the author, which to be honest I wasn't sure about. But that can be good, so don't worry about it.
Your language is good generally, it gets your point across well. As for flow (my weakest reviewing point, sadly), there's one part where it felt a little interrupted:
"Every minute, I take.
There is a war raging inside the heart."
I get that the last line is supposed to contrast with the rest of the stanza, but maybe then it should be a standalone stanza by itself? Otherwise, it makes the first stanza feel a little odd when I try to speak it out loud. This may be an issue of punctuation or choice of words, so there's a few ways you could fix this if you wanted to.
Overall, this was pretty good, if a little unclear. You may want to tweak it a little, maybe add a little for some more narrative, or even take a little away for a more raw emotion. It could do with a little work, but this could be really good.
Keep writing
I don't know that much about poetry, but that was really pretty...and cool...and kinda creepy, poem. I liked it.