Pale Boy (Moat Thing)

This is Yams here for a review!

The rhyming in the first stanza actually doesn't feel that forced, but in the last stanza there isn't any rhyming and it kind of messes up the consistency?

Your line length keeps changing from long to short and then it changes in different stanzas, like the last paragraph has long sentences, but the second has short ones, which I'm not saying that's a bad thing, you just need to be aware of that.

You've chosen to use punctuation but then you only use a period every so often, and in the third stanza, there was three commas without any periods. In the fourth stanza, there's 4 commas.

In the first paragraph you only have commas so I suggest you put a some ending punctuation there?

Have a great day!

This is a very beautiful poem...although I'm not sure beauty is the right word...Bold, maybe...no....I don't know. The imagery is clear and beautiful. I couldn't think of better wording for anything you said. ^.^ Like a puzzle that fit perfectly together and made a very cool image.

Although the grammar I don't mind nit picking. ^.^ The words are perfect BUT if you fiddle with the grammar it may help the poem flow better. I've put everything I changed in parenthesis. Although, I will say this. Poetry grammar has no "set" rules. So may disagree but it still stands, if you disagree with the changes I've made that is fine too.

There was once a boy born with rusty red hair,

and a face all eyes

and skin so fair

That when (the)snow fell() through the cool glassy air,
(I removed white here, purely for sake of rhythm)

Nought could be seen but his coat and his stare(.)

-

Which was grey, by the way, and cold as a dare,

which he focused on folks

with a stony-still glare

which caused their own eyes

to avert to the ground

and wait for a word

but heard not but one sound:

-

(A)grumble from deep, from within the boy’s throat

like a hiss or a growl, a mangled dead note(,)

like a poor deep sea thing that is trapped in a moat.

-

And perhaps the pale boy was that, in the end(.)

(I)n the in, at the heart, at the soul of him (black)

for as fair and as pure as his outsides may be

he was always, quite truly, a wild thing.

(S)ee?

This reads somewhat like a medieval sort of poem/rhyme. I think it could benefit from having less physical description of the boy/working in the descriptions of him in a more natural way. In example: don't say that he has "skin so fair" rather say something else about him and mention his fair skin while saying it. I couldn't quite pull out the story from this short piece, but the ending made me a smile as I found it sort of humorous. Good work, and good luck in future pieces!

Hey, I really like the rhythm of this poem - the way the words sort of gather tempo as the poem continues makes it really fun to read. I also love the detail in which you describe things, as it definitely adds more depth to the poem. Really interesting!