There once was a hermit
he lived in a shell.
he made many friends
every day they passed
by his house and he
greeted them
as they departed
on multicolored motors
never staying long
he made many friends
and lost them in a day.
they were always
floating forward
and he was
stuck
in
the
past
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hey, yo, Satira! Strangelove here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
Pardon me, as I might be a little bit rusty, but I'll try my best!
This was an interesting poem. Thing is, I have mixed feelings about it. This wasn't bad, let me get that straight. You manage to flex this idea, attempting to hit all the points needed to be effective. Did it manage to do that? Well, there's a reason why I put attempting, because it just couldn't hit.
You use the idea to its full potential. Being a hermit crab is a silly idea, but you manage to struck the strings of dramatic, which was unique. Most people who do that, let's say about an alligator, will end up getting the message wrong. That's where reviewers have to question the credibility on how we can relate to alligators, or hermit crabs, or how it plays in real life. You managed to avoid that questioning.
The message is what hurts the poem. The message is straight forward and in our face about the hermit, but the way you deliver it. The line breaks just lose it. It wasn't bad at first, but the ball started rolling downhill. It turns into a game of concentration for the reader, like "okay, they made this point, this point, and this one" which sometimes you have to be blunt and powerful.
Keep writing!
I like what this is about, aw little crabs. :3
I can totally tell this is your first poem though! You have an okay grasp on a subject, but not a good grasp on using grammar in poetry, haha! Poetry is tricky, but if you're interested in writing it some more check out ABC's of Punctuation in Poetry , and the other poetry tutorials under Knowlendge Base! I think you have the potentioal to be a good poet if you keep trying and expand your skills.
Keep up the good work, and keep trying!
- Phoenix
This isn't actually my first poem. I never said I was new to poetry. I write poems fairly often. I said I was more of an author than a poet. What I meant by that is that I place more value my stories more than my poems.thank you for the feedback.
Oh, okay! Sorry I misunderstood.
First of all, this poem is fantastic even though you're not a poet. You did a great job on this "crabby crab hermit" poem. Is this your first time writing a poem? You can still write more poem and I can tell you have the strength to do it. I loved the beginning of this piece. You started off with like a fairytale story beginning with "Once upon a time there was a beautiful lady.... blah blah blah..." At the end of your poem, it kind of left me hanging. I was expecting for a continuous words until you reached the conclusion. But the main point of this piece is great. I loved it. Keep writing more poems (if you'd like to). And yes, I will definitely like to take some time reading the story that you wrote in the green room. Again, this piece is overall, fantastic. Great job. Keep it up!