In the beginning,
the birds would fly
in clusters over the walls.
they carried the wind in their souls.
*
gone now.
*
now,
the only birds in the sky are airplanes,
and they have no freedom.
*
As I did with the last poem I published, I want to mention that I currently have two chapters (parts) of the story I'm writing still stuck in the green room(one has been there for well over a week). If you liked this, please be charitable and look over one of them... I don't want them to be there through Christmas.
Thank you!
-Satira
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Ok well, thank you for sharing your poem. First of all I thought that this poem was rather confusing. I cant really see the resemblance between an airplane and bird. I think that you should try and re-word this differently so that it makes it easier to understand what you are talking about when you talk about an airplane and a bird.
Sorry if I wasn't much help but good luck, and continue writing. Merry Christmas (if you celebrate this holiday.)
This makes me think of a somewhat haunting sight I saw the other day of a bunch of crows flocking. It was incredible.
This has a very nice anti-development and pro-environment message. While it's not exactly subtle, I'm not exactly opposed to messages that are out in the open. In fact, I'd say that that's a good thing. If you can communicate your message in just a few words, you've basically planted a seed in your reader's mind and then they can think about it for themselves.
What confuses me is the fact that you say there aren't any more birds in the sky, because that is simply not true. If you are trying to make the point that we humans have been trying to tame the sky and in doing so limited the freedom of the birds, I'll give you that point, but we didn't cover the sky with great big nets or anything.
This has been a review from your friendly neighborhood Firepower.
I am not trying to hide a greater message in this.
I am literally just talking about the birds and the planes.
At the beginning of fall, there were a lot of starlings that flew in clusters over the school I go to. Now, since migration is over, there are no more birds except the airplanes, and it depressed me. The birds always made me happy when I saw them in the morning, because they looked so free-while I was stuck on the ground, waiting for school, which, to me, is like a prison.
It is not a protest. I am no activist. I lack the conviction.
ha.ha.
Oh. XD