The Girl in the Moon

Hi Ruby!

This is an AWESOME poem! I especially like how you refer to the moon as a her, and not a him. I mean, who really knows if it's a man, or a woman in the moon! I really loved the way you used personification in this poem, like She hides her imperfections! AWESOME! Normally I would say that you may have overused the word she, but in this poem, it just makes sense too! Great job, keep writing!!

-SnazzyPencil

Hi Ruby,

You've written a fantastic poem describing the moon. But what I didn't like is that there was no point in your poem describing the changing faces of the moon. You've mentioned all other points-
the craters
borrowed light etc.
If you add that point in your poem, it'll be just fantastic.

Hey,

I really loved this, you really captured the moon well! You are a great poet! I wanted to say that I liked how you described the moon as if it was a girl. (People always think of the "Man in the Moon" but this is a girl! YAY GIRL POWER!" ) sorry I just had to add that. Anyhoo, I just think you should add punctuation to this, it might make it flow a little more. "Her face glows with a light not her own." I think you should either change that to:

"Her face glows with a light,

Not her own"

or :

"Her face glows with a light that is not her own."

This might help the whole thing flow a little better. But other than that, I thought this was terrific!

Keep writing things like this!

-kitty4111

Rub68-
Hey! Great piece, it had excellent diction and a nice flow to it. That last line, "shining with borrowed brightness" is really well put. I do agree with the other reviews in adding in that you may want to consider adding in punctuation. This mysterious light that shows on her face makes me wonder where the light is from, or why she is sad, so kudos for making those questions arise.

Hi Ruby68, Amindor here.
Your piece is very beautiful and I really enjoy it. It has a great flow and an interest that keeps the reader going. Although it is great, I do, of course, have a few concerns.

I noticed you lacked punctuation, and in any literature piece, that is important.

Your vocabulary was fine, but you could have used a more vibrant vocabulary to capture the reader's attention more.

That's it. I really enjoyed reading your piece, and I can't wait to review more in the future. Keep writing!!

This was lovely! I'd add some punctuation though, to allow us to read it the way you do, maybe? I'll add them where I think they might go but feel free to change them

Her face glows with a light not her own,

So bright it distracts those who see her

From looking deeper.

She is not perfect.

Though at first glance she seems that way.

She is marred by deep craters,

That riddle her body.

She hides her imperfections

Always turning towards the light,

Masking her sorrows in shadow,

Shining with borrowed brightness.


Apart from that I really liked your piece! Well written!

Hello, Ruby68!
This was a really beautiful piece of poetry, and I love the description you give about this 'girl on the moon'.

I noticed you haven't paid much attention to punctuation, but I advice you do. Good grammar and punctuation always makes a decent impression, atleast in my case.

"So bright it distracts those who see her

From looking deeper"

These lines were really apt! I always glance at the moon, yet never take the time to really have a good look.

"Masking her sorrows in shadow

Shining with borrowed brightness"

Wow. I loved the way you remembered the moon's light is not her own but infact the Sun's. And ofcourse her shadows. Couldn't forget those. I like the way you've covered so many facts in a short, beautiful poem. However, I think the above lines would sound better as -

" Masking her sorrow in the shadows"

Or

"Masking her sorrow in shadows"

Notice how the word 'shadow' becomes 'shadows' and an article is added in the first example.

Keep writing!