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Do you hear the piano?

by Ruby68


Do you hear the piano
Playing itself
In a downstairs room all alone?
The beautiful music
That no one can hear
Reminds me of a far away home.


Do you hear the piano
Singing sweet melodies
The sounds drifting into my ears?
Soft lilting music
Played only for me,
Bringing back all of my fears.


Do you hear the piano?
It hasn’t been touched
Since you went away.
It lingers alone,
Gathering dust
Just waiting for someone to play.


I can’t bear to touch it,
I can’t bear to see
The music you once brought to life.
But I still hear its notes,
As they ring through the halls,
Playing for no one but me.





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Sat Feb 22, 2014 8:54 am
yadanialler wrote a review...



THAT is an awsome poem, i really love it
the way you still hear the piano's sound, that really have alot of meanings.
i liked the part:
"The beautiful music
That no one can hear"
and:
"The music you once brought to life."
that really remind me of someone i loved
thank you, keep the hard work




Ruby68 says...


Thank you!



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Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:56 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a quick review!

This poem was so amazing! So full of beautiful imagery! And, while the words are simple, they portray such a beautiful thing... I play piano, so I was drawn to this piece in curiosity. And I wasn't disappointed!

You manage to make the piano, or any music, seem like more than what rings through the halls(I used your own words, there! :D). You give this whole piece a beautiful ring to it.

Nitpicks

I think that everyone has stated most, if not all, of your nitpicks. Nevertheless, I will point out just one nitpick that I don't think anyone else has stated... That, and I don't think anything else is a big enough deal to mention. This poem is just too beautiful! :D


I can’t bear to touch it,

I can’t bear to see

The music you once brought to life.

But I still hear its notes,

As they ring through the halls,

Playing for no one but me.


While this stanza is beautiful and is a wonderful ending to your poem, it lacks the repetitiveness of the other stanzas. There is no, Can you hear the piano? like there was in the other lines.

I know that nitpick might sound absurdly small, but I had to point something out. :)

Favorite spot and Style

So like I said before, I love your poem!!! Your style is amazing, and I can see everything so clearly! You have a knack with vivid imagery that is just soooooo amazing.

My favorite part would have to be...

It hasn’t been touched

Since you went away.

It lingers alone,

Gathering dust

Just waiting for someone to play. ---While this line doesn't have as much of the vivid imagery as some of the others, it says the most for me. Its so beautiful! :) Let me dust it off for you!


I think that is all I have to say on this one... Wow, just wow. I always have at least two or three nitpicks. With this poem, I could barely find one. Amazing job. You have rare talent!
~Timmyjake




Ruby68 says...


Thank you so much!!



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Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:32 am
gia2505 says...



That's amazing!!




Ruby68 says...


Thank you!



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Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:13 am
GreenLight24 says...



I see what all the hype is about. This is amazing in more ways than one! Good job! :D




Ruby68 says...


Thank you so much!



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Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:16 pm



A sweet and haunting if not lyrical poem. The sentiments evoked - nostalgia, longing for home, loneliness - are powerful indeed, and I love the poem's simplicity. Others have talked about the punctuation; I think Caerulean's advice would make the poem flow much, much better.

But I urge you, either when revising or writing a new poem, to play with not only sensations but images. The central image, of the piano playing itself alone, is wonderful indeed - but one feels the emotions evoked would be better served by greater use of figurative language and more complex imagery.

Overall, a really lovely poem!




Ruby68 says...


Thanks! Also, thanks for the advice I'll be sure to keep that in mind.



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Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:57 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



Generally I don't look at the spotlight without out a reason, like a really catchy title or something by someone I know, but this has been here for a while, so I thought I'd check it out. It's really good! :-) The last line is particularly nice. This is really nit-picky, but the last line of the first verse could be "my faraway home." which I feel would improve it. The rhyme structure was confusing at first, but once I understood it made sense, and I think it stopped it being too lyrical, but kept structure.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




Ruby68 says...


Thanks! I'll be sure to look back at that line.



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Wed Feb 19, 2014 3:50 am
thosethatgotaway wrote a review...



I was kinda drawn to this work because of the title because i play a little and love the sound of the piano so good job there lol :P yet i was a little curious at the way it wasn't just a random phrase as the title and for the first piece on here by yourself it was good. Its definitely one of my favorites now to read on here. I liked the way you worded stuff and put some feeling into it, always good to add some in there. There were a couple small punctuation things but i'm not to nit-picky on those things. Good job :)




Ruby68 says...


thank you!



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:44 pm
Caerulean wrote a review...



Hi there. :) You've already got many helpful reviews so I'll just try to add some things.

First of all, I play some piano/keyboard so the title almost immediately drew me into reading the poem. xD At the same time, the title being a question catches the reader's interest into finding out what it was about the piano in the poem.

I started reading, and I found the first stanza a little cheesy or weak. I don't know if that was much of a bad thing 'cause less-is-more worked for it, I think, and the poem improved as it progressed. Still, the choice of words and the whole simplicity of it gave me a feeling of loneliness, and that's the best part of this poem. :) It made me feel like I'm longing for something.

In the first and second stanza though, the placement of the question marks is wrong, or is it just me being nitpicky?

Do you hear the piano?
Playing itself
In a downstairs room all alone.


Do you hear the piano?
Singing sweet melodies
The sounds drifting into my ears.

- If I were to be strict, I'd say they should be punctuated like this:

Do you hear the piano
playing itself
in a downstairs room all alone?


Do you hear the piano
singing sweet melodies,
the sounds drifting into my ears?


- I'm not perfectly certain though. Anyway, some people say that you shouldn't capitalize the first letter of each line, especially of it's not the beginning of a new sentence.

Lastly, I found this interesting:

I can’t bear to touch it,
I can’t bear to see
The music you once brought to life.

- I was thinking that it was the piano which the persona couldn't bear to touch, but then you follow it up with 'I can't bear to see the music you once brought to life'. I'm a little confused. Were you referring to the piano or the 'music you once brought to life' with 'touch' and 'see'?

In the end, I like this poem. :) The whole simplicity of the choice of words and the connection of music and emotion make it easy to connect to. The mixture of free-verse and rhyming was also nice (like the other reviewer said which I didn't notice earlier). And the brevity of the lines give it a lonely feeling which is the point of the poem.

I'm no expert but I hope this review was helpful. I also haven't made one in months. lol

Never stop writing. :D




Ruby68 says...


Thanks! I wasn't sure about the punctuation thanks for your help.



Caerulean says...


Congratulations on being featured by the way. :)



15253 says...


Hey Caerulean the answer to your avi is.....about 3,675. (I'm not sure though :o)



Caerulean says...


lol How about 15,253? ;)



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:20 am
Gravity says...



Beautiful




Ruby68 says...


Thank you!



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Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:15 am
SereneSimpliciT wrote a review...



For a first piece, I must say, well done.

This appears to be a combination of both rhyming and free-verse, which I'm surprised I don't see a lot of, at least done correctly. This is a pretty good example of it done correctly, as there's a good balance of both styles given to the audience.

The story itself is what drives this poem, and I must say it's very heartfelt and gives a sense of sadness, but not so much that it's utterly depressing. It's kinda like someone reminiscing about a happier time that they wish they return to, but at the same the nostalgia of the time brings about a sense of loss. This idea is something that many people can empathize with, I included in that generalization.

As for the grammar, you did very well, though I would point out that the vocabulary is rather average, except for the word lilting, I had to look that up cause I didn't know what it meant. In future poems, I'd suggest not completely changing your diction, but maybe add in a few more advanced words

Example, instead of putting "It sits by itself", say "It lingers by itself"
Only changed one word, but it sounds much more...mature (idk how to describe it at the moment XD)

One last thing: The last line of the first stanza...why is it slightly indented? I know this is a stupid nit-pick, but that was kinda distracting when I first read your poem (also random things like that annoy me for stupid reasons XD)

Great job, this is a new favorite of mine ^^
Keep doing well and welcome to YWS!
~Maddie




Ruby68 says...


Thanks! As for that line I don't know why it did that and I can't get it to go back for some reason.





Hmm, well, I'd ask an admin. for help it you want to, but since it's a small thing, it's ok to leave it as it is ^^
Welcome^^



Ruby68 says...


I figured it out :)





Yay!



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Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:41 am
bookboysarebest wrote a review...



This is a beautiful poem, yet very haunting. I found it to be saddening, and uplifting (yeah kinda weird). The message for me stood in two ways; 1. Treasure the people you have, for when they are gone life will be sad, and 2. Memories, joyous and painful will stay with you for a long time.

I particularly enjoyed the piano in the poem. Often pianos playing with no on there, or no on else can hear the music is related to ghosts. "But I still hear the notes/As they ring through the halls" reminds me of old houses or hotels (like the balsams) where people were lost and missed. And visitors can feel or hear them trying to contact the outside world.

Honestly, I believe you have done a fantastic job with this poem. Keep writing!




Ruby68 says...


Thank you so much! :)



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Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:43 pm
rhiasofia wrote a review...



This is a very pretty, haunting poem. Your words made such a curious little story, and I could really feel a sad longing as I read it. I love the message and the story, and you chose your words very well, but at times, the wording wasn't quite doing it for me. I'll go through bit by bit and show you ones that felt slightly awkward, maybe give some suggestions for changes. Before I start, though, just know that I'm not in any way trying to be one of those people who tries to change your writing, all of my suggestions are at your discretion, and it would still be beautiful even left as is.

Do you hear the piano?

Playing itself <--------

In a downstairs room all alone. <-------

The beautiful music

That no one can hear

Reminds me of far away home. <---------

Perhaps try moving these lines around. The "all alone" feels awkward and tacked on, I feel like maybe it should come earlier in the sentence. Maybe...
"it plays itself,
all alone, in a downstairs room"

or something like that.

" Reminds me of far away home." I feel like this needs something to tie this down, make it more concrete. Right now, it's very hazy. Perhaps "a far away home" or "my far away home"?

The next stanza is perfect, and I love love love the description of the music as lilting. Awesome!


Do you hear the piano?

That hasn’t been touched <------

Since you went away.

It sits by itself,

Gathering dust

Just waiting for someone to play.

The use of "that" at the beginning of this sentence isn't grammatically correct. You should either change the "that" to "it" (which I think would make it feel like you're more personally talking to the mysterious person who is gone) or carry the question out into the second line, making it
"Do you hear the piano
that hasn't been touched since you went away?

I can’t bear to touch it,

I can’t bear to see

The music you once played. <-----

But I still hear the music,

It rings through the halls, <-----

Playing only for me.


"The music you once played" just feels a little flat comparatively speaking. You could employ imagery, turning it into "the music you made it sing" or something like that

It rings through the halls- since you have a comma in the previous line, this feels a little bit disjointed. Try connecting it to the previous line, maybe with "as it rings through the halls," etc. etc.

I love the ending, it's beautiful, and it really pulled this lovely poem together. Very good job, I really enjoyed it. Props for being original!




Ruby68 says...


Thanks so much! I'll definitely use some of those changes :)




“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
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