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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hmm.. so how does this poem start? I think that the speaker is in his bed, like what Jackie_Perez09 said. The first lines are catchy, unique, yes, and it triggers the imagination. Somewhat twisty,(with the bubbles, flickers, flashes, and the magic and strangeness) but overall, it's beautiful. Plus the mention of the dragons and mermaids! I thought the mermaids were in a lake in a forest, singing and laughing while dragons float in circles! (My, my imagination is too detailed!) Cheers to this poem!
Hi! Glad you liked it!
Just so you know, this poem is from 2009 and my style has drastically changed, since. I might revisit it one day, but for now this is simply a mark of where I used to be as a poet.
Your poem certianly is unique but maybe you should start somewhere a little farther back, like the person/narrator is lying down in bed late at night and they close thier eyes and then bam! the poem begins.
i liked these descriptions.
the whole poem was nice as a whole and dreamy feeling.
there were def traces of fire and ice by robert frost and a wrinkle in time, which was a total overload of imagination (good thing). you've done a great job
its different than other poems i've read on here so far. kudos! its more unique than others i've seen
I like where it is going, but it could use a little more imagry in my opinion. This place sounds interesting and I would like to be able to picture it in my head, as if i was there. Otherwise it was well written.
My only nit-pick is that all the lines are capitalized. Change the lines to lower case accordingly with the sentances.
Thanks for the comments!
I just might put in an intro. Once I rack my brain on how to write one.
Glad you all like it!
~Rosey
i liked it. it was a little strange. i think it needs an intro maybe something about falling asleep or drifting away from reality?
ps. i love all things random.
Right. My forte lies in poetic analysis, not prose, so I hope you don't mind that I stick to reviewing your poems for now?
Actually. *Reads* I really like that! And i mean, it's possibly the second poem I haven't gone 'argh!' at inside.
I like how you did an open poem (my favourite) whilst keeping it lyrical and flowing, without needing a rhythm as such. You have a good 'eye'.
I like the soft imagery, all except:
'Dragons are circling
Now mermaids are singing.
'
It's a little... sickly sweet. A little babyish. Which is fine, except, this poem's mature. This poem's sinking into a mid-realm, yourself, Yes? I see that.
Those lines don't cut it, for me, perosnally. Maybe describe soemthing ABOUT the dragon or the mermaid, right now it's a bit 'oh, OK'.
I did ADORE your second stanza! *rereads* It's... It speaks to me, and not only because I feel the same.
That review wasn't very helpful, you need to not write as well. *Laughs* I thoroughly enjoyed that, thank you.
Yup yup.
More on that, and the preceding three lines: I don't like the repetition of things. It's a vague enough word to use once, and using it twice so close together doesn't sound very nice. =/
I think you should make life plural, because it would add another cool fantastic element, you know? Also, how can you have one thing blended together? Yeah.
I adore your last stanza.
And! Remember how in that other review, I ranted on your excessive commas? Yeah. I think that applies here as well...I'm just a stickler for poetry punctuation, I know, but do think about it. Please?
Otherwise, there's not much to say. I think this really conveyed the surreal quality of dreams, and it's very sugar fantasy, in a good way. I didn't look too hard for a hidden meaning here. I don't think there is one, is there? Except to say there're always hidden meanings in dreams. But yes. Good job!
Man, today is like Rosey-poetry-overload. XD
-Mars
I gave you the prompt, silly!
Anyway,
I think you should give some more in the beginning, you're jumping right in. Maybe do a stanza about falliung asleep.
I like these two lines. Capitalize 'Into".
You should say, "No two lines..."
Things Put a dash at the end. You start talking about something totally different in the next line. so a dash will be a nice fit.
You say the life you lived. So you're dead? The repition of the things never being the same is not really needed.
This reads like this: I ate a donut. It was brown. I know that donut shop; that is a good shop
Maybe you should split this into two seperate stazas and elaborate.
Sorry I was harsh, but, I don't see really anything form this poem. Although, I did like the mermaids and dragons bit. It seemed so Harry Potter.
In any case, maybe you should spend a little bit more time on this, elaborate.
I did like the snipits of imagery I got from it though.
---Jon---
Rosey!
That was amazing.
Awesome job! I loved the final lines especially.
Can't really critique about anything since I don't know enough about poetry myself to point out mistakes about it. Don't want to give you false advice.
The only thing I want to point out is a simple spelling mistake:
I presume it's supposed to be 'things' ?
xxmiixx