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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello! My name is Dianne and I am going to review your poem today!
First off, I thought it was kind of odd to say that six weeks have passed and the speaker still remembers this other person’s heartbeat because that doesn’t seem like a significant amount of time to forget. If anything, I think the speaker would say something more like “I can’t forget your heartbeat” like it’s haunting them, sort of, in a way that they cannot escape the memories of this other person.
I loved the line “arms around your waist in a desperate bid to stay real.” The way the first stanza turns is fantastic and I loved the images you created to do that.
The second stanza sort of lost me. The images seem random, almost, and I think it would be a wise decision to continue the conceit of a dark ocean filled with monsters, especially because of the metaphor you created with the lighthouse. I loved the lines “frequency made to erase pain and heal bones shattered against a rapid’s worth of boulders” (although I wasn’t sure what you mean by “a rapid’s worth”). I feel as though this stanza could use a few changes to make the connection between the first stanza and the last stanza a lot stronger.
The last stanza is remarkable. But I do think the conceit of a black ocean would help to create a more resonant ending to this poem.
Overall, I think you’re an amazing writer and you know what you want to say, but this particular poem could use benefit from a few changes (that are obviously suggestions and it’s up to you what you do with your poem).
Keep writing,
Dianne
Thanks for the review!
The time period is there because it relates to an exact event that happened six weeks after this poem was written, and the event only happened once. I'll consider the rewording while also maintaining this poem is relating to a very specific moment in time.
That's probably where the randomness of the second stanza comes from. It was, again, relating to a very specific event/moment in time I was trying to turn metaphorical.
Any idea on how to mesh your suggestion with my intent?
I think you would make the better decisions on your poem, but I do think you should extend the conceit, add metaphors, more imagery, personification, etc. to both clarify what is happening in the second stanza and to keep this specific moment in time. Also, I forgot to mention that I absolutely love your line breaks. Each line works well in your poem and I think you have a really good handle on enjambment and caesura.
I will most certainly consider expansion! It was feeling a little shallow (pardon the pun) for me, too, but I couldn't put it into words. Thanks!
That pun made me laugh so it's fine haha and you're welcome! I hope this poem turns out for the best!
My reviews are usual about how I like the poem I try to stay away from the mistakes bc I want to encourage u to keep writing and if u really love writing youll get better juss practice but anyway I love the structure of the poem and the mood. Its a really nice dark poem. Also you stuck with the idea of ut bc most ppl will get off topic or the title doesnt go with the poem. Other than great job I dnt hav anythin else to say .
Keep writing n hope to see more of ur pieces
-oldsoulxoxo
Plz review my poem wait and see I hav so many more ill like to publish but I dnt hav enough points or confidence of my last poem .
Hello, Rosendorn! I'm emeraldfox, here to review your work. I'm representing team Blue's Clues this review day!
Wow, this was incredibly good. It was a dark, but much like a lighthouse, you wrote about the one "light" or person that can guide you back home. The imagery you used was so excellent I could perfecetly picture the black waters of the ocean, fingers on flesh, shattering bones, and lighthouse. he poem had a nice rhythm that made it flow well. Your word choice was incredible. You used the lighthouse metaphor in the most perfect way! (Sorry for all my gushing...)
The major problem I noticed with this was theat you weren't consistent with the punctation. You used commas occasionally, but no other forms of punctuation. Either use it or don't, but don't use it only halfway. It seems much more put-together and consistent when you choose one or the other. Also (this one's very minor), but "monster infested" should be hyphenated so it looks like, "monster-infested". But that's a simple fix.
I enjoyed every bit of this poem. You did an absolutely excellent job on this piece, Rosendorn!
As a side note, your avvie is very mesmerizing. I just watched it over an over for a little bit.
I'm wondering why you consider this only using punctuation halfway? If you could explain that more I'd appreciate it.
You only used commas and not other forms of punctuation (like periods, exclamation marks, etc). I just think it might have more of an impact if you used end puctuation (question, exclamation, or period) when you finish a complete sentence, in addition to the commas you already have to separate parts of sentences.
I'm not sure any of those punctuation marks would fit in with the poem. Every single type of punctuation mark has a certain feel and purpose, with question marks denoting questions (of which I have none), exclamation points denote excited statements (of which I have none), and periods dictate full stops where the next sentence is completely disconnected from the previous (I don't really have any of those, either). I might add a semicolon, but I might not.
Also, a side note, I am using British English. It doesn't hyphen in the same locations as American English.
Okay! It is your poem so write it the way you want. You did a great job!
This was a beautifully dark poem. From what I understand the main character is slowly staying from a lethal wound. I know that the no capitalization was intention but I feel like I could take the poem more seriously if it did have capitalization, because without it seems to run together. "... as you whispered like a cat's purr,..." I like the way you tried to describe the whisper but to be completely honest I don't think a whisper would sound like a cat's purr at all. Unless, it is a cat...
Anyways, this was a great read and I can't wait to read more of your work!
Happy writing!
Thanks for the review!
The poem is nearly pure metaphor. I have some lines that relate to the physical existence, but mostly I'm trying to create images that make some semblance of sense and capture what I'm feeling. I will consider your suggestions, though, because yes some of this is awkward.
I'm wondering why you think capitalization would make you take the poem more seriously? Some very great poets used no capitalization.
It may be just because I haven't read many poems without capitalization so I feel that it has to have capitalization.
That's fair! It took me awhile to really understand lack of capitalization, myself.
It does have a purpose in this poem, though! Capitalization tends to show importance, so by having a lack of capitals I don't really have any one subject more important than the other.