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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Oh-kay. All the bumping was nice for awhile, but this poem is two and a half years old. I'm going to lock it so other, newer works can be commented on. ^^
*Locked*
Hello this is a nice poem and by reading it I can understand that dance must mean a lot to the person who is writing it, however there is some things I didn't like.
I don't like the relation of blood to dance .
What do you ean by:
The sentence above is quite confusing.
I like this part:
really beautiful stanza.
i don't like this part:
I like the first part of it but to be honest I believe the second part of the phrase does not make sense, that is just me though.
Overall you can see that the poem has been written with emotion however the whole blood and life thing is really what ruined it for me, good luck and sorry if I have been a bit harsh in parts.
I loved this poem :] It was really light and descriptive, my only criticism would be that the first stanza is written with alternative rhyme but the rest isn't. I would either do it one way or another or alternate from one to the other to make it work
Other than that I really liked it :]
This poem was just amazing!!
The rhythm was absolutely perfect!!
I love it, and can totally understand the meaning!!
It was great, thanks for it!!
Keep up the awesome work!!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!!!!
The blood of life is in the movement,
The blood of movement is in the dance.
Each shift of an eye tells a story,
Woven together in movement's trance.
The story alive with image and verse,
Freedom's own, a dancer's grace.
Each lie of verse is frozen in picture
, Each truth of song a timeless dance.
The freedom of movement is in the dancer,
The dancer's freedom is the blood of life.
Ahh! That was so good! I have never once thought about doing a dance poem. Such a great idea. man it seems sometimes I am the only one with writers block LOL! Anywho's about your poem. It was really good! If you ever need a review I am happy to help out!
This was wonderful.The flow of it all was impeccable. I could hardly contain my elation. Great job. You got the feeling that dancers get when they are creating a piece. (Well, that is how I feel when I dance.) Congrats to that. My favorite part is " the blood of life is in the movement. The blood of movement is in the dance." It gave me shivers.Well done!
I thought your comparison of poetry and dancing was excellent. Dancer's poetry is in movement, not sound. Flow was good, and so was texture. (my word for: the feel of the words went together.) Overall, a good poem to think about.
Hi
i'm ella. I use too many smilies and i watch to much TV 
I lov ed this poem: It reads very smooth ly, almo st like a lyric.
There isnt much to describe apart fr om what others have said above, so i'll leave it with "I loved it"
Ella
XOX
Hee, I love the theme.
A little more to say about this one, it goes a bit... well i kept tripping over it.
I don't like the movement in that. For some reason, I think 'moment's trance' would fit better, oddly.
I like the opening lines, by the way, now, a nit-pick:
Each lie of verse/each truth of song.
Not sure I like it. How about:
Each lie, in verse etc.
Each truth, in song, etc.
It would lend a nicer rhythm to the piece, and ntaurally, rhythm suits the theme well, as I can see you've noticed. It's almost a clapping, a turning, a stamping of the foot of sorts.
Hmm...No. I love what you're SAYING, but not how you say it. It's a bit... 'this is so'. Poetry doesn't suit 'this is so.' Use your whimsy, bring it to life! Perhaps use a metaphor to describe this freedom AS blood? I don't know, something like that.
As for your ending line, I adore it - everything an ending line should be.
Anyway very nice, just I had to nitpick for the sake of a review. Kudos!
Amazing poem here. The rhythm was nearly perfect which isn't something you see very often. I loved the repetition in this too.
The way you compared the dance to blood was excellent. I enjoyed the play of words on the true/false stanza as well.
But, why does it stop rhyming in the middle? It is kind of an awkward transition from rhyming to not.
I would make it a little longer just to expand your ideas a little bit more
Overall, excellent poem. I think it would sound better if all or none of it rhymed. But, I think all the other nitpicks have been covered by the other reviews.
I <3 dancing. I never rly though about dancing, in the words you put it. Rly unique, which is the main reason why I like it, you don't see something like this everyday. Could use a bit more work though, description and imagery possibly? How bout a bit longer? Overall I like it. =]
Hello! This is the poem you mentioned to me, and I thought it was written very well. As you'll notice, I have no idea about the technical aspects of poetry, so my comments will mainly be on the impressions it left on me.
Don't really quite understand that 'shift of an eye' thing, but I love the last line. Dance really does weave things together, but that's a comparison few people would think to make.
*Frowns* It...stopped rhyming. Why? I know a lot of more experienced poets and reviewers say that rhyming is blah, and forced, or whatever, but I for one loved how you rhymed the first paragraph. And then it just splits up, and you've lost it.
Oh, well. I'll get over it. As for the actual words, I've noticed how much you repeat; you repeat verse, and freedom, and movement, and blood of life. There may be some deep meaning to this, which I am just not skilled enough to notice, but I was just wondering. It doesn't really bother me, but...
Moving on.
Anyway, I hope this was of some help. I think the poem, the words, all of it was very true, but I may be a little biased
Wow...I can't really say this cleverly, but, you captured dance perfectly. I dance myself and I can understand what you are trying to say, how each and every movement makes something of a story, woven together. I adore:
Each lie of verse is frozen in picture,
Each truth of song a timeless dance.
Sorry. I don't know how to quote.
Keep at it. It's beautiful.
Whoa, haven't checked this poem in a while.
Thanks for the reviews!
This is based on my two years as a Kathak dancer, so it's not exactly ballet's movement.
An interesting thing about this poem: I came up with that beginning and just had to write it. So, you could say I had the same feeling about the beginning as everybody else.
I love your beginning. It caught my attention instantly and the rest of your poem was brilliant as well.
It's so VIVID. That's why I love it. You use words in a lovely way.
I like this part very much. Especially "each shift of an eye tells a story, woven together in a movement's trance" .
So is this poem is about dance? What dance really is? I think maybe you should focus on one topic rather than reaching for more than one thing at the same time. This is only my opinion, but I think it could be better if you focused one reason and one meaning rather than having various. It was really good though ^^
Hi Rosey! Wonderful poem, but a few tiny issues:
Other than that, great job.
Hi, Rosey! I thought I could read this now.
I tried to read this as a dancer, and you really got it right. This is very true. Only thing that bugged me a little was the reappearance of the word "movement" in the last line: it fits well in the first and second line, but I don't think it should be mentioned after those.
Again, a beautiful stanza. Do you mean that the story is "freedom's own"? That's how I thought it.
Lie=line, maybe? I also wondered whether you can say "frozen in picture", because I associate frozen with unmoving things, and dance isn't really an unmoving thing. It disturbed me a little. Also, we already know this is about dancing, so there's no need to say "dance" or "dancing" in every stanza.
There are "dancer"s again, but I guess it's okay, because this is the ending.
Overall:
I think you succeeded well in describing dancing, and it really shows how important dancing is to you. I would've liked to read more, actually! Maybe you could expand this poem, or then write a new one from a different point of view?
Demeter xxx
I liked this a lot--can't really say anything that hasn't already been said
Except, I assume you did this while reworking it, it should be shift of an eye.
Poems aren't something I have worked with much. I write them a little, but most of the time the pacing/imagery isn't exactly the way I want it. This was something that came out of my love of freedom of just moving. I've done several different styles of dance, one that's non-western (From North India, called Kathak) and that's where I'm taking the main insperation from.
Blood is discribed in line 1, as "the blood of life." I couldn't live without dance, like nobody can live without blood.
I liked the play of truth and lie. As in- If a verse is false it's still danced, if a song is true it will be danced forever.
By infinite I meant timeless. Something that's around for a long time. I'll change it to enduring or perhaps simply timeless.
In Kathak, fingers do flick. Although not half as often as wrists. I think I could change that without a lose of pace. *Edit* I changed it to shift of an eye, since that's better imagery.
Hmmm, this was only draft 1, and I wrote this in about ten minutes. I'll look at it a little more and change some words. From what I can see only the non-rhyming lines are trouble.
This is half playing with language, half trying to get imagery.
Thanks for the reviews!
*Edit* I have reworked it slightly, hopefully without loosing the pacing.
Only one grammatical mess up:
"Each lie of verse is frozen in picture,
Each truth of song an infinite dance."
Shouldn't "lie" be "line"? If it is right, then you should still change it because it doesn't fit the theme of the poem. Other than, I like it I suppose.
Content wise: what is "blood" actually supposed to be? and what is "movement" and also, you refer to two different types of "movement." The first "movement" is a general term and then the more specific "movement" as more like a dance-step. and dance is the blood of life, so this leads me to re-question "What is "blood"?"
Umm, if I was to totally neglect the content, I will tell you your poem is really aesthetically pleasing. Even though I don't know why you use the word movement in two different ways and what you really mean by blood, and you use dance way too much (to be specific, you don't qualify movement, dance, dancers, and blood which is why I am so confused because you use them in different ways) I still like the EFFECT the words give to ONLY the sound of the poem. If you are plainly just manipulating language then it's fine, but if you want to actually attach MEANING to this poem, you need some intense revisions. But I am worried, because I don't want the revisions to change the flow of the poem so you have a difficult task at hand. I can understand if you don't change it.
Yatta!
Imagery is wayward - I wouldn't picture fingers "flicking" so much as, well, dancing across a keyboard or even when inking on a parchment. These two stanzas are strong and I would recommend keeping in the linkage feel of the poem at all costs; it's unique and works in...microcosm, almost. Is that what you were going for?
Ideas are starting to become a little hazy, different from the concrete verse you seemed to espouse in the beginning. "Flick of a finger" and "blood of movement" falls prey to such vague thoughts as "alive with movement and verse". One cannot really picture that, so keep the style of the first paragraphs alive here, don't change it so suddenly.
They say puns are the lowest form of humor but in this case, I think you can afford it because of the lyrical mysticism and profundity the rest of your poem expresses. Clever.
Why is the dance infinite? "Infinite" is one of those words that are thrown around by amateur poets in order to sound philosophical; I suspect that it is not the same with you, but I still cannot find any connection to this idea in the entirety of the poem besides this line. Either take out that overwrought word or justify it (yes, you have hinted at it somewhat with the "frozen in picture" part but that seems like a weak link at best).
Good solid ending. Can't say much more about this stanza other than you managed, to my somewhat surprise, to actually fold all of your ideas back into these two lines quite neatly and thus show us that you really do know what you're talking about.
Wonderful poem. You actually described dancing in a way I've never seen it (though I don't see dancing much, especially myself
).
Favorite part:
Sorry about the shortness of the post. Not so good at reviewing poems.