Far, far away
where the dandelions roar,
and the sky is made of honey,
and all the rivers snore,
there’s a bright sailing ship
on a lemonade sea
that floats to an island
with vanilla-scented trees.
On this island there’s a shell
that is gilded in jewels
it turns the richest, poor,
and the wise men into fools.
The captain Mar McCaw
He knew of this shell
and he sailed the ship
to the island where it dwelled.
But he knew what it did,
because he was wise,
still the jewels all sparkled
and glimmered in his eyes.
So he took that shell
and stared night and day
and as far as I know,
he is staring there today.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is absolutely wonderful! This is very MOOMIN, (a high honour indeed) and truly in part reminds me a little of the hunting of the snark by Lewis Carroll. I love the fleeting random gibberish brought on by such a poem. However i feel the last line could be improved by the last line's rhythm by removing the word "there".
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Great great great poem! This was such a fun and easy poem to read. A great story and very descriptive writing. The lines all rhyme perfect and are fast to read. Captain Mar Mccaw is a lovable character, funny and wise/foolish.
This is a whimsical poem! It's delightful and witty and it took me on an adventure. On the surface it's a colorful story...similar to the shell. Sparkly, fantastical, and entertaining.
With the lemonade sea, honey sky, roaring dandelions and vanilla-scented trees you painted a brilliant setting for the poem's story. It slightly reminded me of The Nutcracker or one of Lewis Carroll's poems in Alice in Wonderland/Through The Looking Glass.
When you dig deeper though, there's a moral and a message to the poem. This adds so much depth. Captain Mar McCaw is a relatable character. Sometime we have the wisdom and discernment and know what the consequences of our actions will be. However, we don't have the self control to apply our wisdom. We get distracted and materialism and greed cloud our good judgment.
So not only is your poem an amusing tale, but also a cautionary one, without being preachy. I can't find anything to really criticize you about it.
BRAVO!
Thank you!!!! You have understood my poem for what it was meant to be. I applaud you for that. Good job!
Fortis seriously stop toying with my emojis.
(I'm officially an internet and my emotions are now emojis)
So yeah good job fortis :3
no. no. your emotions must stay emotions. Don't let the internet take over every aspect of your life!!! D:
But thanks
This was a very good poem! And I love the rhyme scheme that you have here (I don't care if a poem has or doesn't have rhyme, but I love it when it does!).
I'm not really sure why you have it in the humor category, however, since the only thing remotely funny in this piece are just in the first stanza. I'm not saying that the last stanza isn't good, I'm just saying that it's not as funny as the first, and because of that the humor rating is a little weird to me.
Your grammar and spelling are pretty good, but in my opinion it wouldn't hurt for you to add a few more commas here and there. If you don't want to, that's fine. And I'm not saying that you should add them to every line if you do choose to, that would be overkill. But several of the lines just feel to me like they could use a comma.
Well, that's all I have to say. You're an excellent writer, by the way!
Peace,
HT
Thanks for your review!
No problem!
Ay! Willow C. Open up I have a warrent. Not a real warrent, but it'll suffice.
I apologize in advance for my personality.
Anywho, I usually start with the title, but one thing first... Rhyming. Worst invention EVER! The worst literary element to write and to read. To pull off a good rhyme, it needs to be in a scheme, otherwise it sticks out and ruins the rhythmn of the poem. Sort of like an French horn full of "water" BAAAAAHHHHH! Crackle crackle crackle! BAAAAAHHHHH! My advice, ignore the tempation entirely. It does very little for the poem and annoys the cheese off to write.
Next the title. A good title must be brief, relevant, and interesting. I'd go with something shorter. This is a weird funny poem, correct? Demise is not exactly the word I'd use. Think of humorous poems as a child's start into poetry. From all the lemonade seas and snoring rivers I can assume that you do too. I, for one, as a child would have had no place for demise in my vocabulary.
Three lines in, that
And.....
And.....
Replace it, it ruins the majestic feeling and narrative of the story. When you set the scene like you do, a narrator's voice should come to mind. A narrator would never be so "Repeaty".
Also I think you could spend a few more minutes on the second stanza. Your first stanza started out so strong and unique the second was kind of...welll...sad. It didn't feel like it fit or told a good story. I liked the idea, but try throughing more imagry. It's a bejewled shell, so? What kind of shell? What kind of sparkle? What does the old Cap' look like? He's wise, okay now SHOW me! Consider the following...
I walked into a room with my friend Bob
There was a fire.
We ran up the stairs.
...Now consider this...
Bob and I rushed into the normally cold parlor.
The flames reached the ceiling and washed over the dark spaces in light.
I grasped my rapidly drying throat as the smog filled my lungs.
Bob looked at the flames in frozen terror.
I rapped my arms around his arm and pulled him forward as hard as I could until he followed.
We ran th only way we could, up the hot stone stairs.
...Now it's not perfect, I know, but it tells the story and helps the reader see what I am without over-explaining. See?
Peace out, make mistakes, and praise the llama overlord,
~Willow C.
well... first of all, I disagree with your idea of rhyming. I think rhymes can really help poems, depending on the subject and the mood.
I agree that the title needs work, but I have absolutely no idea what to put for a title.
I didn't put much detail because it was meant to be kind of like a Dr. Seuss book, but I agree it needs more.
Thanks for your review! I'll definitely think about some of the things you said.
That was hilarious! Your world reminded me a lot of Dr. Seuss in its absurdity (good absurdity! I <3 Dr. Seuss!!!), and it showed that even wise people can do dumb things. The captain knew what the shell did, and yet he still sought it out and went after it. This is really good! And it had the feel of a 'legend' to it too. You should seriously consider doing more of this time of poetry.
Hey thanks! I was going for a seussian feel.