All my life, I've been stared at, laughed at, scorned. Some have hungered over me. Some have even drooled. I as yet, I have remained here, in my glass-covered prison.
I was second. They, dressed in uniforms, stuffed me unceremoniously between two pieces of round metal. But one day, my First, the one in front of me, was chosen. She was chosen and she fell to her doom. I know that I am next. I see others fall to their demise as well; they fall right in front of me. I don't know where they come from, and I don't know where they land. Still, I see them on the other side of the glass, ripped open and spilling their contents in the hands of the Murderous ones. I see one of these people now; he's a big, bearded man. He has a stomach protruding so far out that it's butting up against the thin glass separating us. He presses his huge tomato nose against the glass as well, leaving a large grease smudge and a patch of fog right below his hairy nostrils. He spies me, and I can tell I'm about to be chosen; that I will fall and be ripped open just like so many others, just like my First. I hear the tell-tale beeping that I know will be the death of me, and the circular metal spirals forward and ends, and it's only gravity between me and the fall.
But no.
I
Must
Hang
On.
I am able to stay upon my perch somehow, like a bird on the very end of a thin twig, balancing on the black floor of my prison, right before the drop. I lean back onto my Third who accepts me willingly. But the big man kicks the prison. Again and again he kicks it! And Oh! I can't hold on, I can't!
I drop. I fall a shorter distance than I had realized, landing on another hard, black floor, crunching on impact. This floor has no metal rings. There a few crumbs scattered about the floor, and I see a tiny spider web, long since abandoned, in the corner. Suddenly a huge part of the wall is pushed in and lifted up, making room for a huge, grubby hand. It reaches toward me and grasps me roughly. I am pulled back through the wall and the door closes with a bang.
I am able to see the prison I just came out of fully for the first time. Rows upon rows of ones like me and unlike me are stacked on hard, black, plastic shelves, held back with circular metal. Then, the man, the Murderous one, grabs my top, and says, to no one in particular, "Mmm... I love pork rinds!" With that, the worst sensation I have ever felt rips me in two, and the last thing I feel is his dirty hand reaching into the treasure I have protected inside me all my life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Ok. So I know I have already reviewed this piece, but I am going to do it again because I want to for review day. I'm going to pick at this in more detail now so...
Commends:
1. The use of first person narration - 'I am able to stay...'
2. The organisation of ideas in paragraphs - generally.
3. The use of description - 'making room for a huge, grubby hand.'
Criticises: nothing! I love this piece. Yep. That's the review. xx
I have never read anything before where the perspective comes from a pork rind, but this is really inventive. Well done! I love the way you alter the spacing and arrangement of the text to match the feelings and the action at the time - really clever. I can't bring myself to criticise this piece, it's great!
Oh geez. Sorry for submitting twice!
GoldFlame here for a quick review!
.
How do pigs hang on to things with their hooves?
I don't have much to say, because I absolutely loved it. Awesome hook! I was kinda going into it, like "This sounds pretty serious. Hey, why's it so short?" and then I just laughed at this one phrase: "'Mmm...I love pork rinds!" And great narration, I have to add; I definitely could feel the prisoner, to the point that when I learned he/she was a pig...I was a third disappointed
Not many grammatical errors. Maybe consider inserting commas in compound sentences?
I also didn't really like the phrase "ripped open and spilling their contents..." It felt kind of awkward to me, because a reader might be unsure what you mean by "contents." Replace with "guts", possibly? Then the fact that you capitalized "Murderous." Capitalizing improper nouns can be okay; capitalizing adjectives can sound a little clumsy. I would suggest as an alternative writing something about his murderous expression.
Last paragraph. When you say that the pig's worst sensation it ever felt was ripping it in two, what exactly did you mean? It was being physically ripped in two, or was the agony making it feel like its brain was being split in half? Kinda unclear...
And one last question.
Overall, I thought it was superb writing, and I really can't wait to read more of your work!
Flame
oooh ooh. you misinterpreted this BAD. Sorry for the incorrect grammar there, but pork-rinds are really a crunchy snack. like potato chips. Just fried fat basically. The pork-rinds were narrating this from the inside of a vending machine. XD
honestly though.... I wonder what it was like reading this thinking it was a live pig. D:
now "contents" makes a little more sense than "guts" right?
Thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed my writing.
Oh wow. Sorry, I read through it kind of quick. Makes a lot more sense now!
Haha XD. I honestly love this so much. It's somehow serious and hilarious at the same time, something that is quite hard to achieve. The vocabulary was great, the voice was perfect, and there weren't any huge grammatical errors that really stuck out to me. The whole thing just flowed across the page and the ending was just too perfect. This is honestly one of the funniest things I've read all year. Very creative idea
Haha XD. I honestly love this so much. It's somehow serious and hilarious at the same time, something that is quite hard to achieve. The vocabulary was great, the voice was perfect, and there weren't any huge grammatical errors that really stuck out to me. The whole thing just flowed across the page and the ending was just too perfect. This is honestly one of the funniest things I've read all year. Very creative idea
I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or feel sorry for the pork rinds. The idea in itself is brilliant and the description put to the idea was very good with no outstanding grammar errors distracting me from the plot. Well Done
Brilliant writing! I love the way it is written so seriously and the way you give an object like a packet of pork rinds human emotions. The way the man is portrayed as being an ugly, vicious monster is also funny and quite true when seen from the perspective of a packet of pork rinds...Blackly humorous and a very imaginative piece of writing!
Wow! That was really hilarious! I love how you kept it so serious, and made me almost feel bad for the bag of pork rinds. It's actually my guilty pleasure to read things that are written from non-traditional angles. You maintained a feeling of tension and angst in your piece, and I applaud you. You held my attention the entire time, and made me wonder what was going to happen next. I really like that you took something really small and simple and made it fun and interesting. Great job!
This was a really great story. It felt all dark and dangerous at first, and it continues like that through out the whole thing, but the end made me just laugh so hard. The story had really great dark humor, and I does a really great job at keeping me interested. It is the type of story that I could read again and again and never get bored.
Great job!
I shall leave the Grammar alone (due to the fair warning). But on that note it actually wasn't that bad. And I thought your descriptions were good at masking what you were describing; at first I thought it might have been some sort of cafeteria type display cabinet, but then I realized the descriptions didn't match up. And then I figured out it was a vending machine, right before the part where the Second is selected. That was hilarious!!! I hate when that happens, and sadly the big guy had to get them down. I was hoping for more torture on the Murderous One's part, perhaps having to select the Third to get the Second. But this was really funny, and I laughed pretty good when I read the hanging on part. Good story.
Thank you for this review!
The grammar just felt awkward to me. And I didn't know how to change it, but I'm glad it was good enough for you to understand.
I'm glad you thought it was funny too. Thank you!