Dedicated to: Strange
A/N: I wrote this as a comedy piece that is meant to be performed. Don't mind the weird grammar, I'm trying to portray how I performed it.
Hello and welcome back to the Biblical Cooking Show. It's the Reign of the Judges* here, with our panel of four judges. Well, there's three judges here, but we've saved a spot at the table just in case Elijah decides to pop in later!
And it looks like the contestants are ready to present their dishes!
First up is Abram, but the judges have already pushed aside his dish! Turns out that ham is specifically against the rules. But Abram is contesting that, saying that that rule was created after he joined the show! ...! Now he's down on his hands and knees -- hands and knees, ladies and gentlemen -- begging them not to eliminate him. Boy with that performance and his dish, we might as well call him AbraHAM!
Now we turn to Jonah. He's serving a fish broth in a lovely gourd. We're pretty impressed he even managed to plate it, he spent so much time procrastinating. Oh no, are those worms in the gourd? The Judges are /not happy/.
Next up is Lot. He created a lovely casserole: boy, it sure looks tempting! MMMM. But the judges say he didn't add enough salt. I guess he should've brought his wife along!
Finally, our last contestant. Moses has really been a plague on his competitors. Last week, the couldn't even get their ovens started, and he seemed to be able to call FIRE DOWN FROM THE SKY to light his, (and Eve complained about getting boils while she was... trying to boil the forbidden fruit that eventually got her eliminated... BUT SHE BLAMES HIM!)
...And he's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. With a dish that seems to have inexplicably fallen from the heavens. ...What is it? The judges don't know, but it's better than the other contestant's dishes. Just so long as they don't have to eat it every day for forty years or anything...
* sorry, Mormon Joke.