The playground is burning.
The rubber of the swings is melting, the paint is peeling, and by morning, there’ll be nothing left but blackened metal and ash. The police tape will go up at five past nine, and by six, the local news stations will all carry the same story:
Loah Majerski, an eighteen-year-old senior at Mackenzie High, was not the sort of girl anyone would expect to be in trouble. A straight-A student with a 4.3 GPA, co-captain of the girls’ golf team, volunteer at the pediatrics department of Northwood Hospital, with dreams of attending Stanford and becoming a children’s oncologist. A bright girl, say her teachers, with an even brighter future.
Pictures will come up on television screens of a young woman in glasses with curly brown hair, playing basketball with bald-headed children in pajamas, holding up a trophy, sitting with her family, bowling with her friends.
But now young Loah’s future is uncertain at best. She lies in a hospital bed this morning in critical, unstable condition after she was brutally attacked on Caster Avenue in east Mackenzie last evening. She was on her way home when a group of young men who investigators suspect were part of a gang jumped out of truck and forced her to the ground. There, they proceeded to beat her unconscious with baseball bats. Janice Carpenter heard the girl’s cries for help and called police. She says the men stopped when they heard the sirens and sped off in a blue Toyota pick-up.
The view will switch from the playground to a bit of sidewalk two streets over on Caster Avenue, which will also be marked off with yellow crime tape, and then return to focus on the upper body of the reporter in front of the charred skeleton on Maple Street.
Investigators strongly suspect the same group of men set fire to the play structure you see behind me a few hours later, another act of pointless violence that has members of this quiet community looking for answers.
Various neighbors will express their anger, concern, and sadness. Kaity Higgins, whose daughter is friends with Loah, will call it a mother’s worst nightmare, and say her daughter won’t be going out alone any more. Tabitha Walters will say that’s just what these amoral, gangbanger, druggie kids do nowadays to feel cool. The lead investigator will promise justice. The camera will go back to the reporter.
A spokesperson for Loah’s family says they are shocked and devastated, but believe Loah has the strength to recover and will do so. For now, authorities urge anyone with more information on this horrifying crime to come forward.
The reporter will say his or her name, and the newscast will go back to the studio and the next story, about a new study correlating rising gang activity with the state of the economy. Over the upcoming days, the stations will update on the investigation and the girl’s condition. The investigation will go nowhere, the search for the blue Toyota pick-up fruitless, but the girl’s condition will improve.
Nurses and doctors say she shows remarkable courage.
Some uplifting news for your morning commute, attack-victim Loah Majerski is recovering well, and doctors say she might be able to walk at her graduation ceremony in June.
A feature story will run on the national network in a couple months, showing a bald-headed, post-brain-surgery Loah with less-bald children, talking of how thirteen boys asked her to prom, Loah meeting Janice Carpenter who heroically called police that night, teary interviews with the mother and father.
This will happen in May. In September, news crews will catch up with a limping, scarred, but smiling Loah in Palo Alto, California, setting up her Stanford dorm. In ten years, an oncology magazine will pinpoint her as a rising force in the pediatrics world. She’ll talk candidly of her near-death experience at the hands of gang men who won’t be caught, not on that charge at least, whom she won’t be able to remember, whom she’ll say she forgives because they taught her to have half the courage of her patients.
But at the moment it’s still January. It’s Friday night, and soon nine-year-old Carson Appleton will turn the corner onto Maple Street. He’ll see the flames beginning to glare orange against the starless sky. He’ll brake his bike clumsily, almost falling off, and stare for a minute before pedaling back home as fast as he can.
He’ll leave his bike outside and run in the front door. His mother will be in the living room on her treadmill, watching the news, and his younger brother will be sitting at the computer playing a math game that says “You’re a star!” on every right answer.
“Mom! Mom! Mom!” he’ll shout, and he’ll toss his helmet to the ground.
“Not now, Carson,” she’ll say between breaths. She’ll glance at her heart-rate monitor and turn up the incline on the treadmill.
“But Mom, the playground’s on fire!”
“You’re a star!”
She’ll glance at him and take out one earbud. “What?”
“The playground’s on fire!”
“Fire!” his brother will shout, and his r’s will be w’s. “Stop, drop, roll! Don’t be a hero!”
“That’s right, Jimmy! Stop, drop, and roll! But you know, I’ve just about had it with your imagination, Carson.” She’ll look at the flatscreen, the calorie count displayed in the bottom corner, and then back at her son. “What were you even doing outside? It’s unsafe, and you know—” Here she’ll take a deep breath, look at her monitor again before turning down the speed “—you know we don’t play outside without supervision, especially after dark.”
“You’re a star!”
Carson will start to cry. He won’t be able to help it. “But it’s on fire, Mom. I went down Maple and—”
“Carson Appleton, I’ve told you a hundred times never to leave this street. Mr. Riley lives on Maple, and I don't trust him or anyone else.” She’ll take a drink of water, and as the treadmill transitions into a cool-down mode, she’ll fix her son with a stern look. “Go up to your room, wash your hands, and think hard about what you did.”
“But—”
“Now, Carson! And I’m taking that bike away.”
Carson will know better than to argue further. Scrunching up his face, he’ll scramble up the stairs, slam his bedroom door, and dive face-first onto his bed. He’ll pounds his fist against the sheets, which will just crunch and crackle with waterproof, hypoallergenic fabric. He’ll throw his Gameboy against the wall, yank the wires out of the neck of his remote-control robot, smash his science-fair project.
He’ll fall asleep on the floor with his light on without ever washing his hands. His dad will put him back under the covers in a few hours, after he finishes watching a movie in his den, but he’ll forget to shut the closet door.
In the morning, Kaity Higgins next door will text Carson’s mother that good-for-nothing scum attacked her daughter's friend. Carson's mother’ll reply that Kaity’s daughter can carpool home with them from now on out, and cry into her husband's shoulder about how it could have been her baby boy out there. When he comes down for his breakfast of unsweetened cereal, she’ll hug him and say he can do his homework tomorrow if he wants, but she won’t say why. He'll take her offer and watch cartoons.
For now, the playground is burning.
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137,487 Literary Works • 672,036 Reviews
I liked it a lot- very powerful and effective.
Iiih, I really, really liked this piece. So powerful. I enjoyed the switch between the stanzas that played out in the present and the more formal ones in italics. They gave the piece an original twist. I love the beginning with the girl with all the future infront of her and then it was just pulled away from her... all that was just really beautifully written. I don't see why you had to focus so much on this Carter guy though... maybe it had been okay if you just put a small add in where a kid (don't mention his name) tried to get his ignorant mother to listen. Because that was a good way to make the audience realize the playground was on fire but I don't like how suddenly he became the centre of this entire piece. Part from that though, this was wonderful!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
This is a very good story but there are things to work on. They have been mentioned before so I won't bore you repeats. I did really enjoy the newscasts because it sounds like what would really happen. I liked how you told it like what was to come. It did confuse me a little about where carson came into this but it was really good.
I really liked this. It gets to you. It messes with your emotions, and I loved it. I really like how you tell what is going to happen instead of what is happening. Keep it up. You are a wonderful author.
You're a star!
Anyway, a grammatical nitpick:
"...say her daughter won’t be going out alone any more." <-- "any more" should be "anymore." Unless that was deliberate? But why would it be deliberate?
I kind of like Carson, because essentially he was trying to do the right thing, but he was quashed down. I find it weird that the mom wouldn't at least look though. Once, my sister found out that the hill that I lived in when I was a little girl was burning, my sister came inside and said, "The sky is on fire." And it was, since essentially the whole hill was on fire!
Also, the playground is burning? Since is set in modern times, playgrounds... well... they're made out of plastic. Essentially, petroleum-products. It smells awwwwwwful when it gets burnt. So I find it weird no one would figure this out, even the stupid mom.
That's my main beef. Obviously, I like chemicals too much. >.> But, I love how you set this up and everything!
I'm probably not saying anything that hasn't been said already, but this is a great story on every front. I love the story itself, especially the way you integrated the newscasts into the first half. It added another element of realism in a story that was already bursting with it. The way you showed how the neighborhood kind of decayed over the years after the attack, how the perpetrators were never caught, gave it a bit of solemnity to mix with the happiness for the girl's recovery. The ending was just as good, with the dialogue (loved the "you're a star" lines by the way), and the kind of 'completion of the circle'. Also the idea of a playground on fire is really symbolic to me.
The way you narrated it as well, kind of distant and aloof, was probably one of the best parts. It added a lot, and it ended up being very engaging and almost immersive. Awesome job!
All I can say is AMAZAZING!! I know everyone else has written a lot more but I'm out of words... I love your work! Keep it up! You've inspired me.
Hey there!
Although, I thought it was a little strange, since I couldn't really tell who the main character was. I wasn't quite sure if it was Loah, or Carson. That was really the only thing that bothered me.
That was really cool. I have to say, it was the title that drew me in, so good job with that. I liked how it told the story of her recovery, even though it hadn't happened yet. For some reason, that appealed to me.
But I think my favorite part of the story, was the "You're a star!" line. It was completely irrelevant to the story, and I loved it.
I really liked this, nice job!
~Amfli
Hey there!
Oh shnap! So many great pieces are being requested in my WRFF thread, it's AMAZING.
Wow, so, you probably already know this is fascinating, so I'm not going to tell you that I think it is, in fact, fascinating... cause.. you.. already know!
I kind of get that this is supposed to be about one event and what happens to different people around that event. I like the idea, and I think it's really great, however you didn't exactly do it right. When you do that, the events that happen to the individual person are supposed to be connected, and I feel like you slacked off on the connection a bit. Let me break it down for you:
The girl was beaten. Ok? What the heck does that have to do with the title? What the heck does that have to do with the playground burning? Oh right, you give us one little sentence, that seems like a bit of an after-thought, to tell us that: The people who beat her are suspected to have lit the playground on fire, also. Hmm, that ties things together real well. xD (Sarcasm)
And then there's the boy riding by on his bike seeing the fire. Ok, great, there's a legitimate connection between him and the fire, but since the fire isn't really connected to the beating, and the boy isn't connected to the girl, then there isn't a connection between the two scenes. It's like you mashed together two stories with a similar theme together at the last second.
My suggestion for you would be do to a couple of things: Have the boy possibly see the men climb into the truck and drive away, not noticing the body. He just notices it as he rides home quickly. Have the girl be related to the fire somehow. Maybe how she was going to the playground because that's where she goes to think. I mean, why did those men randomly choose her to beat up? Normally they don't really beat up girls, they do, just not normally and not for no reason.
And I have one more suggestion for you on how to tie things together a little bit more smoothly: Jump back and forth between the stories. Don't just tell hers and then tell his, mix them together, so that it's like you're telling us what they were both doing at that exact point in time, not knowing that there lives were connected by this one incident. Oh gwarsh, I guess I just came up with another one more suggestion. After you do that, to really, really make the story come together as one, write about the boy and how all that's happening while the playground is burning, and how she's being rushed to the hospital while it's burning. You get what I'm saying? Say what both of them are doing while it's burning, not just the kid.
I really like this. I like how it's told, I like the tense, I like your voice, I like everything. I just feel like you slacked off a bit on the actually telling of the story. You definitely got across what you wanted to say, you just didn't do it in a very smooth way. But you should be able to fix that quickly, just using the little ol' cut and paste tool.
Keep writing,
Classy
very well written and as for the grammer.....it could be a tad bit better...for the dialogues that it is
I love this piece and how well you described each scene as the story went on
Keep up the good work and NEVER give up.
There's not really much for me to say, really. I love this story. It demonstrate the chain of action and reaction, and the chains caused by inaction (if that, ah, makes sense). Anyway, I love it. I saw the title at first--quite attention-grabbing, by the way--and then I read the story. First off I liked the use of what many would consider an "unconventional" name (I must now use Loah in one of my stories. It's a brilliant name), and I must praise the narrative voice which really hold the reader until the very end. In fact, I had to read this through thrice, because the narration made me think (and I still suspect) that the story has a much deeper meaning. Returning to it, I've finally come to a conclusion: you're portraying the disconnection between two worlds, along with the chain reaction.
Your story reminds me of The Five People You Meet In Heaven, in the sense that of how something done by or that occurred by the actions of someone else could change your life. Loah lived, but she could have died. She could have been the charred body in the fire, instead of a victim of physical beating. All it would have taken is going to the park a little bit later, really. Or Carson, if he had gone earlier, could have been beaten. Or he could have been the one in the fire. And while his mother is completely disconnected from the tragedy of the murder, or of Loah's attack, she realises the possibilities, and what could have happened. And for once, she makes a change in Carson's orderly, very-planned and controlled life. She allows him a small freedom, realising perhaps that no matter what great plans she has for him fate is ordained by the small things.
I think. This is really one of those variable stories, that have infinite meanings. All I know is that I love it. Post. More.
Tiger
This was vivid to the point of being frightening. I like the way that there are two different stories going on,but there should be a little more connection with the little boy and the resolution. I'm not quite sure what you meant by his playground was burning. I thought your descriptions were very good, though, the way you pointed out things most authors wouldn't, like the clips that would be shown on the newscast and the way that the little boy's brother's math toy said "You're a star!" whenever he got an answer right. I also thought it was interesting the way that you used the future tense, which is really uncommon.If I could give one useful piece of advice, I would say maybe to tie up all the loose threads. I thought the actions of the boy's mother and the resulatory sentence could use some tweaking. Overall, the drama and emotion made the story great. Great job.
So, after you did such a long and thorough review and I saw this piece which looks new enough for review I thought I'd try return a part of the favor.
I don't star posts in vain, and I even more rarely star posts that the rest of YWS liked, but this was especially awesome. And, I want you to know that if the following was your intended message, I thought it came through loudly and clearly: When something horrific is not attached to us we cannot grasp its nature. That is, the playground only burns when we see it burning. Until then we remain oblivious. Your piece effectively portrays the fragility of human nature. It highlights our inability to process cause and effect until after the effect.
That Carson could have been burned to death is not processed by his mother because this is foreign. This is further portrayed by the disconnect between the two news stories. They're vaguely connected but nobody puts two and two together. When the girl gets beaten, however, something brings it home, and Carson's mom suddenly realizes that Carson could have been hurt. Still, she doesn't think about the burned playground as a cause.
Your story is very well written, with balanced easy to read prose, and a light tone that belies the serious topic this deals with. This serves to make the effects even more potent. While your characters and scenarios you paint are not always real, they are well cut to serve the purpose of your allegory and I wouldn't change a thing.
Now, I know what it's like to get a bunch of unhelpful information that you already know about your story. Still, I do like it sometimes to know that I got my message across, so I hope this is of help in that respect at least.
Have a great one!
Yoda
I'm not really into the whole mystery, crime scene thing, so I won't critique your story. It's obivous that the people like it. n_n I'm also really picky with future or present tense stories though, so I won't critique that either haha. I thought your first few lines are simply fantastic though. It's almost poetic. A SUPER punch-in-the-face, boom-take-that-as-an-intro hook.
But I think there's only one thing I should comment on. This whole news cast thing isn't working for me. :/ I think it's pretty creative, but there's a few problems. Firstly, the first news paragraph seems like an easy way out for describing a character. The news thing can leave room for suspense, and overall the IDEA is creative, but the execution isn't. I want less of "here is everything you need to know about this girl" and more of "there's this girl. Get to know her through this event..." Even if she doesn't turn into the main character, I want to KNOW her somehow or else I feel nothing while I'm reading about her. This exposition in the news story is nothing person. I feel nothing towards her. I want to know her, which I ultimately don't feel happens. Secondly with the news thing is that journalism has a lot of rules. [I know this because I was in high school journalism for 3 years -_-] Granted, a lot of the rules are nitpicky [and kind of ridiculous XP], they are very specific for a reason. I suggest looking into AP Style or reading the journalistic rules because I can tell from the first sentence of the broadcast that a real journalist did not write it [which really takes away from the experience of the story]. Granted the average reader probably won't be able to tell, but if you really want readers to believe it, you need to OWN the news story. I think you have a good starting point and could really put it up a few notches by making it seem real. But it was way too "story time" and not at all professional. If you want, I could edit the news part for you by just giving some pointers, but I will leave that to you of course.
Overall, you have a really strong storyline, and I'm curious to see what's with these fires.
Wow, Rach. Just wow.
My momstincts are doing good. Because the piece distances itself from the MC. If it had been about when she gets beat down, then no, I couldn't have read it.
This was beautiful and haunting. Not many people could have pulled it off as you have. I could feel myself humming the words to myself, it just flowed that well.
....that is until we get to Carson. What in the world? I really don't see what he has anything to do with the story. Yes, his mother sounds horrible, and yes ultimately, he was right. But what's the point? It wasn't like his sister got beat down, it wasn't anything precious to him and his family. It was a playground.
I wish that part was cut out, or better explained why it's important that we go from this truly heroic young woman to this young boy. Then again, maybe I'M just being dense, maybe there's something more profound that I don't understand.
But Rach? Even if I didn't find usefull the last part, it was as beautifully written as the rest, as a stand alone, maybe. Not as part of the story: it really threw me off.
Hope this helped. I am, once again, envious and awed by you.
Continue le beau travail, mon amie!
Tanya
Very realistic, just like a newspaper thing.
One thing. Can you connect how the beat-up girl relates to the little boy, Carson? That transition is a little foggy. Clear that up, and you're golden!
Stunning. Absolutely incredible. I love it, seriously I do. The formatting is really engaging, too. I love how it's always in the future tense, and constantly switching back and forth between anonymous narration and the news channels words in italics. VERY well done.
I would love to know what prompted you to write on this? Is it based on real events or just an incarnation of your imagination? Either way, it's fabulous. Keep up the fantastic work!!
Hi!
This piece was great! And I agree with the person above me, the aspect that most stood out about this story was it's future tense. Since you write everything in the future, there's a sense of predestination and inevitability. The inability to change what happens next, because the endings can already be seen. And you do a great job with treading along the chronological order. Sometimes these stories end up making no sense because it's just too confusing, but I think you handled this really great - especially in a way that shows logical planning and then a conclusion.
Also, I sort of like how the whole news story was correct. You accurately follow the pattern that happens, and I think it's because news condenses everything. Was this a statement that we are never really given the whole truth? News likes to make a real event in life and twist it into this fairy tale template that the general public likes to hear. Smart, going-somewhere girl ends up getting beaten, but she recovers. The gang members were just the trash of society and we never know why they did what they did. Only that they did do so, so they're bad.
Anyways, just wanted to say that this piece was so wonderfully constructed that I read the first to last word without stopping!
How dare you make a mistake like this. HOW DARE YOU.
*Finishes story, then bites an ice cube (long story).* Weyhey, look at you and your future tense (I like how I'm the first person to actually call it that).
Now the weird part of my review is out of the way, let's get down to business!
This was so super awesome. Duh. It's you. Seriously though, I think this is my favourite thing of yours actually. It's exactly the kind of thing I like, you know? You've got mentions of violence, fire, there's an eerie feel to the story, a mention of gangs, and quotes like "Your'e a star!" Wonderful and definitely right up my alley. I'm not actually sure if I've read anything of yours that isn't fantasy until now actually... Hmmm, very interesting! (I probably have. I swear I have alzheimer's disease.)
I really did love the eerie feel of this. I thought it was really clever because when it comes down to it, the actual content of this story isn't exactly eerie. It's just about a fire, some girl who gets beaten up and a kid who sees the fire. The way you've written it makes it sound so much more... dun, dun, duuuunish! I love it. The technical side of things was great, no duh, and even though this isn't really what I'm used to seeing you write, your writing style is still there. That also makes me smile. Basically, an awesome job overall!
Err, critiques. H'okay. I guess the first thing I noticed once I'd finished reading was the way Carson reacted at the end (when he lost his temper). Maybe it's just me and my lack of kid knowledge, but it all seemed a bit over the top to me. Okay, so his mum doesn't believe him that a park's on fire. Would he really go up and smash stuff up because of that? Also, did his old man not notice the toys he'd wrecked when he put his son to bed? (I'd also be slightly concerned if my kid was asleep on the floor...) And his poor science project! If my dad saw that I'd done that, whether I was 5 or 15, he wouldn't be happy...
I'm probably looking way too deep into this, but that was what stood out to me, so hey, that's what I write here. I get that Carson is upset and all, but his behaviour actually kind of confused me at times. Which actually leads to my next critique, which is technically just, like, a branch of the first one. if the first one was a tree, this one would be a branch of that tree. I'm such a metaphorical genius. *cough* Basically, I wasn't actually 100% sure of Carson's age... It was his behaviour, methinks. I think he's meant to be around 8-10... Is he?
I just find it weird, for example, that a child of that age, or even a bit older would be able to rip open his action figures, then pull the wires out with ease. As well as that, I don't tend to associate kids that age with jumping onto their bed and pounding their fists on their pillow when they're upset. This is probably just me being weird, but I actually associate that with older kids... (my brother who's 17 cries a lot (I have a theory that he's gay), and when he gets angry, he punches his bed and stuff. It's funny.)
Now that my whiny attempt at critiques is over, I'd like to say again about how awesome you are. 'Cause you are. You're awesome. See. I said it again. If my review makes no sense, I do apologise. I didn't get much sleep last night, and I'm terrible at reviewing your stuff as it is. If you have any questions or anything, just let me know.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey Rach. We've haven't talked much really so we'll break the ice by a review!
It was interesting the way you wrote this. I've never read anything quite like it before, well anything that was carried off quite as well as this piece is. You had quite a thing going before I had even read the first paragraph. I instantly warmed to the format of the piece, the italics every so often to devide the 'news station's story' and the naration.
It was pretty powerful from the minute I set eyes on it. You had a lovely way of giving us information in an off hand way. It was simple in a very sophisticated manner.
Here, you have a lovely description of the playground. It's the bare minimum but saying that, it's just about enough. I found some little mistakes that bugged me.
One: I think you should add in 'part' here so it looks like this; The rubber part of the swings is melting. It just seems more correct and easier to understand.
Two:You went crazy with comma's in this very short couple of lines. You don't need a comma here, there shouldn't be a pause here especially before an and or anyword that adds two sentences together. So as I was saying, no comma before and. A puase here would seem horribly out of place.
Three: Again, same nit-pick, no comma.
Four: No comma after six.
A lot of comma's in there. Most shouldm't be there. I felt that I could berely get through a sentence without having to pause because of a comma. And for that reason, you lost a bit of flow here which was a shame. It's a lovely introduction. So fix those comma's!
Your plot was ultra busy and in some cases, I think you could have taken a break and slowed down a bit. You kept going and going and going until BAM! The piece was over; now it wasn't bad no matter how I made it sound.
Other then that, you have a really gripping story mixed up in a wonderfully written piece. You captured all of the perspective in beautiful ways and I truely believe, that this is something special.
It really got me and if I were you, I'd be proud of it.
Time has slipped away from me, so I apologise for the short review.
Good luck with those comma's
Good job,
Kagi xoxo
I really liked this - the tense made it kind or creepy, like it was from the point of view of someone who knew what was going to happened, but wasn't going to do anything about it. The one mistake I picked up was in this paragraph:
I think this was just a formatting mistake, but shouldn't this part be in italics like the rest of the 'official' report?Brilliant short story though
Okay, Rachael? Can I just say I loved this? Because I did. The style was so fresh, talking from a perspective that knew what had happened, but they were talking like it hadn't happened yet (I don't even know what to call that). But it was wonderful. There were only a few questions I had (but they were really minor).
I might be crazy but do action figures have wires in them? And if they do are they easy for a little boy to just pull out? I just don't know if there are...There might be but I don't think I've seen any.
I missed the first time through that the mom tells him to wash his hands...and I might have missed why he would need to. But I think that's sort of strange to say "go wash your hands and think about what you did". I wasn't sure why the mother was telling him to clean his hands. If you want to keep it make it clear, and easier to catch that there is something that he needs to wash off. At first I thought maybe he had char on his hands from the playground but I don't think that was mentioned.
Other than my sort of pointless nitpicks this was really well written. It was something in a style that I as a reader and writer hadn't ever seen done. And if I have seen it must not have been done well because I don't remember it. But I'll definitely remember this *likes*
~peanut~
Hi! Yay, I'm the first to review! 8D
I thought this was a pretty powerful piece. I liked how it seemed like it was going to be about the news story of the girl who got beat up, when it actually turned out to be something completely different. I also thought that the descriptions are very vivid and sinister.
There is one little nit-picky thing I have to say: I think you should play with the last line, or perhaps try to connect the little boy to the student who got beat up as well as to the burning playground. I feel that this piece needs a little more connection and closure.
It is a wonderful draft, though, and has a lot of potential. Keep writing!