It is yesterday, and he’s swimming in the river. He bobs in and out of the water, laughing, splashing his brother. Sometimes he climbs out and swings back in from the rope. I watch from the window, smiling, making dinner. Sometimes I duck into the pantry and come back with something I need.
It is yesterday and my boy is swimming in the river. He’s just swimming in the river, and I’m just watching from the kitchen.
It is yesterday, and tomorrow, everything will be fine.
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hey RachaelElg,
So although I remembered this story in the wrong way, with a bit of a tragic twist on it, it still stuck in my mind which is something a flash fiction piece has to be very good/meaningful to achieve.
I read this yesterday, but I didn't have the time to review it. However, ever since I woke up this morning, that line "it is yesterday" has been echoing around inside my head. So in that aspect you did really well - the fact that the line is so unique, so unusual, makes it really stick in the reader's head.
I have to admit that I didn't quite remember the rest of the story right, though. For some reason the last line rearranged itself in my head to something quite different: "It is yesterday, and today is tomorrow; and for now everything is fine." Which just proves how terrible my memory is.
I still like the meaning behind this, even if it turned out that it was a little more cheerful than I thought! There is no over-description, no rambling. This story gets straight to the point with lovely poignant words. The only thing I can suggest is that it could be just a tiny little bit longer - it could still be flash fiction, but it might leave a bit more of a lasting impression on the reader.
~MorningMist~
Rache Drache.
I'm on the middle line with this as a starting line. On one hand it is strong, powerful with a clear message, on the other, it makes me go back and read over because of the sentence construction. Like, my first thought would be woah, what's this writer doingI had written a review yesterday, but then realized that I was too incoherent and so here I am, starting afresh. And this morning, I'm seeing it in a different light, which is... good.
For me, I want flash fics to punch me in the face, not literal-metaphorically, but you know, to leave me thinking. This seemed to fall short. Like I was expecting it, and this came halfway there but then it ended. I guess I wanted a little more.
That entire bit was straight off my head. I'm not sure what you can do with it, but I told it anyway.
As a whole, I enjoyed it, really.
~L
Hello RachaelElg,
In this part you repeat the word "just" twice. It isn't anything of huge importance but it does stand out negatively in this story. The reasons for that is because it is really inflowing and in stories like this where words are really precious I think it is kind of unnecessary. Try either taking out the first "just" so that you have this: "He’s swimming in the river, and I’m just watching from the kitchen." Or take out the second "just" so that you have this: "He’s just swimming in the river, and I’m watching from the kitchen." Personally I think the first one sounds better but it is definitely an individual opinion and either would sound perfectly fine.You are definitely a talented flash writer, this was a really well balanced flash story which was short but had a nice amount of description and actually told a story. It is obviously very short, but it does have more then one character in it and it mentions the location and the event which is extremely good for a flash. I think that you have done pretty well with this and I enjoyed reading it a lot!
Also in this part I think that the comma between "smiling" and "making dinner" is a little odd and it ought to be an "and" instead of a comma. It is a really small issue but I still think it is of some significance. Anyway i just thought I'd bring that up.
Overall I think you have an amazing flash here. You have really mastered the tricky art of flash and your writing I really good! In the future I look forward to seeing some more of your writing and maybe a few more flashes! Keep up the fantastic writing!
From DreamingForever
Ooohh, I do so like this.
I got from this a bittersweet note, which makes me wonder if everything will in fact be fine tomorrow. It seems a little sad underneath.
One thing-
The double "just" bothers me. That is all.
-Laminated
Flash, aaaahhhh! Saviour of the universe!
One thing I will say is that this is incredibly well written. Normally, when I see fiction this sort of length, I either skip it or skim it. But the unusual start is this "It is yesterday," caught me off-guard. It made me think "What's this?" and it managed to make me read everything. Three times.
Hi, I'll be your reviewer today.
Firstly, well, this is flash fiction if I ever saw it. It was over too quick. ^^
This story seems to have a deeper meaning, but unfortunately that sort of thing is not my forte
The story has just the right amount of description, too. It's short but sweet. Not too much, but not non-existent.
The ending is... very sinister. This is one of my favourite kinds of endings, one which lets the reader fill in on their own. Perhaps it's my imagination here, but the ending kind of makes me feel... awkward. In a good way.
You're definitely a talented flash fiction writer. I'm sorry I didn't give you any real constructive criticism, but, well, there's not much to criticise. ^^