Removed

Hey Rach.

I'm finally here! Sorry it's taken me a while to actually get to reviewing this. I suck when it comes to doing things on time, I really do. I know that you're not too bothered about nit-picks, so I won't worry about pulling any out for you.

Unsurprisingly, this was very well written again. I really adore the style you've written this in because I think that it suits the story itself very well. I'm not 100% sure how this connects to the prologue exactly, but I'm interested to find out. I can see this progressing this into something great, and it's good that I can't easily predict what's going to happen in this. Sheukki is an entertaining character to read about and I love the way she clearly enjoy's running everywhere. It's a quirky personality trait and they're the kind of ones I like best because they're different.

Even if I had nit-picked on grammar, I wouldn't have found much. I think I did find one word though where you put an s on the end by mistake, but I can't remember where or what it was... Once you edit this, you'll spot it though. Other than that, I didn't notice any typos which I congratulate you for. I myself epically suck at typos, so I admire you, I really do! Your grammar was great, and thanks to your varied vocabulary, the style of this writing was written exceptionally well.

The only negative I can possibly think of is that, at times, I had to read over the same part over again because it took that to really grasp what you were trying to say and what message you were trying to get across. It's a little hard to explain. I think it's basically that some things are a little unclear unless you read over them. One thing I'm a little unclear of is the time period this is set in. I'm assuming it's not in the present, but I'm not sure what time in the past it is supposed to be set in. That doesn't bother me all that much though, if I'm honest, because I do have an idea when this is set in.

It's hard to make sure that everything makes sense in your writing because when you read it, you know what you're trying to say, but if someone else is reading it, they might not quite grasp it in the way you want them to. This is kind of what I mean by some aspects of this are unclear. It's not that big of a problem at all really, but I would bare in mind that you need to try and make sure everything you're saying comes across in the way you want it to, and that it only takes one go at reading it to understand exactly. There are a few little questions that I have, but I won't ask any because there's another part of this where you can easily answer them through the writing.

I think that's it, to be honest. I can't find anything else I want to say... You're writing's too hard to critique... All that I really have to say now is to take into consideration what reviewers have and will say, and edit this up a little with their advice. With a little bit of polishing, this could be even greater than it already is!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

*likes*

Sorry about the lateness, like borntobeawriter I am a follower of your novel come to review! This chapter is as long as the first, and I can see that you've introduced a new character. Alright then, my comments are in bold.

The Palace by the Sea had tile floors. Good for keeping the building cool during the summer and warm during the winter, Master Lagiku had told her once. Sheukki didn’t know how or why—and she was sure as seagulls I like this expression. It adds to the world you are showing us. that stone became hot in the summer, since she had burned her feet on the roads so many times before—but it didn’t really matter. Not to her.

She liked the tiles because as she ran through the palace halls, they helped her turn the corners tighter tighter? It sounds strange here, maybe you should only use quicker. and quicker. Those tiles and her bare running-feet felt good next to each other. For more than a year now, she’d been running those corridors, and never once had she slipped or stumbled. More importantly, never once had she lost a race, because those tiles made her fast the italics are unnecessary for this first use of 'fast' —oh so very fast.

But this morning, she only raced her personal records and the sun. This wasn’t very fair of her,get rid of this comma she knew, since the sun didn’t have any tile floors that she knew of, but racing was even more fun than just running was and she was sure the sun didn’t mind at all. The sun couldn’t have minded. Otherwise, she would have found some other way to speed up by now. Even little Zahkul, who Sheukki knew to be the slowest palace runner the palace had ever had, had gotten faster. Eventually. And the sun had been around years and years before Zahkul.

Today, the sun was a long ways behind. As Sheukki passed through one of the palace’s outdoor walkways, which had glassless windows that let in the breeze, she glanced out at the sky. Only the thinnest line of color stretched out over the horizon. She had won by a half bell at least.

She darted, smirking, through a beaded curtain back into the indoor part of the palace. In a dozen or two bounding steps, she was at her destination, the double-doored entry to the rooms of the Emperor of Meuku.

She gathered her breath and switched to her normal-feet. Standing there, chin up, hands clasped eagerly in front of her, she waited for the fifth bell to ring down in the city. She counted the seconds as she waited, stretching to keep her muscles loose as she did. Seconds turned into minutes. Just when she thought she was sure to break her record, though, the bell tolled out. I'm confused here. I thought that she had beaten her record because she had reached the Emperor's rooms. Apparently not?

Disheartened, but only for a second, Sheukki wiped at a bead of sweat with the back of her hand and then returned to full attention. Six minutes and twelve seconds to get from the runner quarters to the emperor’s capitalize 'emperor'. Be consistent rooms was not bad at all, not really. Even some of the older boys, the ones who ran messages to neighboring towns, couldn’t get much better than that. And she had only set the record a few days ago, six min—

The door opened in the very, very I know you're trying to emphasize here, but I think one very is enough dim gray light of morning and fading hallway lamps. And in the doorway stood the emperor. Looking tired, but not much more than usual.

“Good Dawn, Sheukki,” the emperor again, capitalize. said with a smile, and he crouched down until his eyes were level with hers.

“Good Dawn, sir,” she said back, giving him her brightest grin.

“I have two for you this morning.”

From the pocket of his shirt, his shirt? Maybe it's just me, but when you used the word Emperor I was thinking of a Chinese Emperor or something. But still, just a shirt seems a little plain for someone of such importance. Doesn't he wear a cloak or anything? he took out two pieces of paper. Sheukki reached forward to grab them but he pulled them back just out of polite reach.

“Patience,” he said, and he laughed a little, holding her gaze very steadily as he held out just one of her messages. “To the cook. Deliver it first. Right on his nose if he sleeps still.”

Sheukki grinned again and took the note from him. It was unsealed. She could tell by just the weight of it in her fingers. Fingers that itched to accept and deliver messages just as much as her feet itched to run.

“Other one?” she asked the emperor, looking from his face to his hand and back again.

“Can I trust you?” he asked her in a whisper, leaning toward her.

She knew it wasn’t really a question, but she nodded anyway. “Yes sir.”

“This you take to the pigeons,” he said, still whispering as if this were a very big secret. “Tell him I want it to North Reach—know you where that is?”

Sheukki looked up in thought. She didn’t much like her geography lessons, because what good was knowing where a place was if you couldn’t run to it? Still, it sounded familiar, North Reach. She squinted at a spot over the emperor’s shoulder as she tried to visualize a map.

“Nalmae?” she asked hesitantly. That sounded right.

He smiled, and that made her feel good. The emperor’s smiles stretched all the way up to his eyes and back down again, and even though he smiled a lot, each one looked as if it were hers and for her alone.

“Good,” he said, still smiling. He sounded pleased, and that made her feel good too. “Take this to the pigeon master, and tell I want it to North Reach fast. And safe, because I wrote only this one.”

Some mornings, the emperor just had short scraps of paper for her to run. Other days, he had notes more like the first one she now had clutched in her hand. Real letters came only every few weeks—but a letter like the one he now held out to her was the rarest of all.

Sheukki took it carefully, mindful about crunching it. Her eye caught the gold seal on the back and, as her heart quickened with excitement, she turned it over to look at the name. Only, when she tried to read it aloud, the syllables wouldn’t come out sounding anything right.

The emperor really laughed then. It was a hearty laugh, a low rumble like the tide coming in, and Sheukki liked it even more than the smile.

“The ‘e’ makes no sound,” he told her, pushing himself to his feet. “Lamir Loradaine, the Crown Prince of North Reach. But run now, Sheukki. And tell that sour piece of seaweed you must see my pigeons.”

“The pigeons!” Sheukki gave him another grin and nodded curtly. “To Dusk, sir!” A little confused here. To Dusk?

“To Dusk. Run fast.”

She didn’t need any more encouragement than that. She put her running-feet back on. Are her running feet shoes or something? Or does she have actual different feet? The tile became her friend once more. She tore back down the hallway. Darted through the beaded curtains that separated that hallway from the outdoor hallway. Tossed one glance out of a glassless window to make sure she still had the sun. Put a little more speed into her feet. Ducked down the servant’s stairway into the kitchen. Dropped the first note into the yawning cook’s hand, giggling as she surprised him. Then out through the kitchen’s supply door. Into the gardens. Across to the pigeon master’s building on far end of the palace grounds.

In the gray but growing light of dawn, Sheukki could barely see it, but that didn’t matter. Her feet knew the way. Cool salty sea air tickled her face and lips and throat. The ground, wet with dew, sprung under her feet.

When she finally slid to a stop outside the pigeon master’s gated garden entry, she had to giggle again before tumbling toward the gate, opening it, and skipping across the stepping-stones to a stop just before the door.

She took a few quick rapid breaths to contain her excitement, and then knocked. Three good raps. Since she woke up an hour before the rest of the city—before anyone except maybe the emperor and the fishermen and the men who opened the harbor gate and the cooks—those three good raps rang out, echoing in the sea breeze that knotted her hair.

But no one answered the door.

That was strange.

Head titled to one side, Sheukki knocked again, and again. And again. Her knuckles smarted against the wood but she kept on knocking. The importance of the letter in her non-knocking hand was almost tickling her fingers. And as the number of knocks mounted, frustration overtook curiosity. She, Sheukki, was bringing this letter to the prince of a land called North Reach right to the pigeon man’s door, yet he wasn’t opening.

And if he could sleep through all that knocking…

Making a face at the wood, Sheukki took her knuckles down and huffed. She let her eyes drift to the closed and shuttered windows on either side of the doorway. She took a step back and looked up at the little two-storied building.

Then someone shouted some nasty words inside.

Sheukki, grinning, stepped forward again. She switched the letter gingerly from one hand to the other and then raised the hand that wasn’t sore to the wood and started knocking again, rapidly this time. She kept knocking even as she heard the wood over the eyehole slide back and another curse.

“Oh, show you!” a voice said from behind the door.

“Down here, sir!” she said, and she forgot her annoyance because the letter in her hand was dancing now.

The eyehole wood slat clapped shut and more grunts came muffled through the door. Then, after a few slinking sounds of locks sliding back, the door opened a crack. Not hesitating for a second, Sheukki leaped at it, pushed the door back, and stumbled to a stop on the splintery wood floors.

“At end,” This is some sort of old speech, I would guess. But what does 'at end' mean exactly? That she was about to give up knocking? she said, turning and titling her head so she could see the vague outline of him. “I knocked a full bell!”

“What want you?” he snapped at her.

Sheukki couldn’t see much in the dark—the sour piece of seaweed had shutters all over his windows and just a single lamp lit—but she saw his scowl. Sure as seagulls, he thought she was some troublemaker runner, but that most certainly was not her.

Fighting down a grin, she stuck out the letter.

He snatched it out of her hand with wide eyes. “Go,” he said, waving her off.

“Special orders,” she said right back, and she crossed her arms across her chest.

“Well, what?”

“He wants it there fast. And safe.”

“Where?”

“North Reach.”

“Fast and safe to North Reach, yes. Now go. Shoo.” He waved his hand again, as if he could tell her what to do, and then clattered over to a door set in the far wall.

Sheukki barreled after him, letting her feet smack against his grainy wooden floors so he had no choice but to hear her.

“What else, what else?”

“He says I see the birds.”

His entire spindly body twitched. He said nothing, and Sheukki stood there, glaring at him because she didn’t much like him and the less-than-friendly way he talked. She was a palace runner, for fortune’s sake!

All at once, the seaweed chuckled. I'm getting a bit confused with the name changing. First he was the pigeon master, then the pigeon man, then the seaweed. Which one? He grabbed the lamp from the wall and opened the door and with a smile that did not make her feel good, said, “Come then.” And he began to climb a ladder with the letter in one hand and the lamp in the other.

For a second, Sheukki thought about just turning around to leave, but then she heard the pigeons cooing up overhead and she darted up the ladder after the seaweed. As her head came up through the trapdoor, she squinted through the sunlight streaming through the unshuttered windows, illuminating all of the pigeon cages and coops and nests scattered all over the room.

She stared at all of the pigeons as she clamored out of the hole. All of the pigeons stared back, and then all at once burst into a flutter of anxious calls and wings. The ruckus shook the cages, and in the center of the room, making it all worse, the seaweed rounded on her.

“See what you make! See!” he shouted, and then made a bunch of cooing noises while flailing his arms about, birdlike.

Sheukki bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing. How like the flighty little pigeons the man sounded, and acted! He scuttled about, looking like a teetering top going from one cage or coop to the other.

Just as the birds finally settled down, she couldn’t resist any more, and the laughter came bubbling out of her.

The look he sent her was furious. He tromped over to her and tried to shoo her back down the ladder, but she just grinned and slipped right underneath his arm. She went right up to the cages, mindful of where she stepped on the straw-covered floor, and peered inside.

“Oh, get away!”

The seaweed put a hand on her shoulder and tugged her back. Sheukki shrugged out of his grip, looked over her shoulder and up at his ugly face, and glared as hard as she could. “I know,” she said, the same way she told the runner boys to stop pulling her hair.

His whole face twitched as she said it.

“Then touch nothing.” He turned sharply and headed for the window that opened out eastward toward the rising sun.

Sheukki watched as he clucked and cooed to some pigeons inside a cage nestled up against that far wall. He took one out and fit it into a carrying vest. Then he took her letter and rolled it up and stuck it inside.

She made a face and spun to face the opposite window. He said something, probably to her by the tone of it, but she no longer cared about him or the birds, even. They were just birds, and if she had known getting to see them meant having to ruin her morning, she wouldn’t have bothered at all.

Sighing, she walked over to the western window’s sill. She put her forearms down on top of it and put her chin on top. The frown settled in as she stared out into the gray light. The five-and-half bell rang out in the city, with long, deep tones that she loved.

The rings cheered her up, just enough, and she wondered if Master Lagiku, the fastest runner in the city, would have any work for her to do down in the city itself. Other than running for the emperor, running down into the city was her favorite task of all.

Except for Master Lagiku and a few of the older messengers, no one could get down there faster than she could, and she knew shortcuts that let her beat some of the older boys, even, and they ran as far out as the near villages sometimes in just under an hour.

Not even the seaweed’s pigeons could beat her down to the harbor, she would bet, and to make this point to herself, she stood up on the tips of her toes to see if she could see the water. She couldn’t, but instead she saw the roof that ran under the window.

And something was on the roof, just below the sill.

Moving.

Hello!

OK, so I have mixed feeling about the beginning. I mean, I like the first sentence because it’s a mirror to a question, which begs to be answered and so the reader reads on. This question demands answers and right, that’s given, but in a convoluted way (I had to reread the first paragraph and then link with second and it was complicated).

“sure as seagulls” – adventurous. Had me squinting at first, then googling and finally I got it as it’s used somewhere down below. But adventurous and risky because of my reaction. It’s a nice touch (and I liked the dawn/dusk idea, too). Sea’s justification for usage of phrase =)? And yes, I climbed up to type that here!

Italics overdone, I think. Choose one, one’s enough.

“The sun couldn’t have minded. Otherwise, she would have found some other way to speed up by now.” Don’t get it. Also, the sun’s like a normal sun of ours? If yes, then racing against it (confusing?).

Even little Zahkul, who Sheukki knew to be the slowest palace runner the palace had ever had, had gotten faster.” – very nice, loved the sneaky characterization.

Alright, about the palace description. There seems to be a lot of it, but there’s actually little?

Smirking seems uncharacteristic for her. I mean, seems like a ncie person; smirking seems to have a negative lilt to it, a bit. And she smirks and then is disenheartened (sic…). You have that harder between-the-lines characterization, the sneaky one, the no-info dumping one; and then the most obvious ones stand out like like like a tree in the Sahara. Giggling later on, too.

I don’t know, these instances (and they’re I mean – ordinary, so I don’t know why I get this feeling). Maybe because usually this chapter deals with undirect action description (the ten times improved “she did this, she did that” to which we all aspire to and pray to God and Heaven for), so the more down-to-earth, ordinary, easy, plain character descirpiton is… well… can’t quite put my finger on it. Later on I’ll say that I don’t know her age (creepy Emperor does this crouching thing). I see her, I know what she does, the perspective is hers (narration tilts to her, pretty cool), but she seems to be floating. Kind of.

It’s not that I want a list of hair color, eye color, favorite color and sign under the Chinese calendar; but as I said, the parts where it is introdueced, they feel slightly ohh lack of word. Trees on the Sahara. Or maybe this just happens in the beginning (or overactive imagination). Later on there are more references to her (like body language, some tags to dialogue, so on).

E.g., before door rapping, the word “excitement” appears. This refers to her, not shown actions, so how she went from emperor to there. She giggled, yeah and before, said the name aloud… But nothing would hint at her excitement. I mean, that’s a pretty strong word, emotion to feel. Here it doesn’t precisely appear out of the thin air because of the mentioned, but it is suprising. Let her feel a little bit of it on the way (like some hint of it).

If it hadn’t been spelled out, I’d never know. Cover it up. Is she excited then? (on the other hand, I approve of the head tilt. Roots her into surroundings. Kind of. Yeah. Let’s ah leave this.

Emperor. Doesn’t seem too royal, imperial (I get it; he’s portrayed as humane tired etc.). But the title makes expectations. MC’s downright chummy with him. Righjt, he’s friendly, humane, Good Emperor (now that I’ve written that… won’t turn Evil, will he?). “Sir”, he’s only (same title as pigeon man), and he sends messages to cooks (with whom too he is chummy as he knows cook is prolly asleep). And he smiles a lot (that sentence part doesn’t refer very well to the last sentence part; but no grammar, no grammar. But! The reaching eyes is just creepy… again unclear if metaphorical (not really – I hope…)). I just dislike him.

So, no guards in imperial palace? Nothing of the sort? I guess everyone loves him and no one dreams of assassinating him.

“She gathered her breath and switched to her normal-feet.” What, what now? Again, unclear whether she uh transfigures to borrow HP terminology or if it’s just odd phrasing.

Just when she thought she was sure to break her record, though, the bell tolled out. – confusing. She stopped, didn’t she? She’s just standing there? Waiting for the bell?

his eyes were level with hers.” – woah, suddenly I have a vision of a 7 year old…

Sheukki reached forward to grab them but he pulled them back just out of polite reach. – what’s polite reach distance?

because what good was knowing where a place was if you couldn’t run to it? – ha.

“At end,” she said, turning and titling her head so she could see the vague outline of him. – you lost me. The dialogue bti I don’t understand completely; bam, suddenly he’s somewhat there? I was like: what happened, what?

Italicized swear-like thing (again ncie touch) – must it be italicized? It threw me off. On the other hand, good eye for spotting that in the YWS post window xD Comma problem next sentence.

All in all, I guess I’m disappointed in the way he’s intorduced. I know it’s dark and she doesn’t see much but a scowl, but even if it were pitch black darkness I’d demand more. I dunno, lamp make noise? His silhouette? Voice? Wave jerky?
Him being refered to as ‘seawead’ truly made the rest of my evening!

Right so after the intro, I adore the guy. Adore him! He’s odd and speaks odd and acts odd (as if he weren’t completely – well, yeah).

I don’t understand the “I know like to hair pullers” dialogue bit, and then his face twitches. And then he orders her to not touch anything (circulates back to her coming near birds, yeah…). But confusing this section is.

s if he could tell her what to do,” – contrasts with language used across the chapter. I’m going to tell on you!

Sheukki barreled after him, letting her feet smack against his grainy wooden floors so he had no choice but to hear her. – only moderately happy here with the choice of medium to show he had to hear/speak/turn attention to her. Her answer lacks something.

She was a palace runner, for fortune’s sake! – why? Deserves better treatment? Because… why? She’s so useful etc? The emperor likes (not her) – all palace runners?

All at once, the seaweed chuckled. – aao is such a filler. Ordinary “then” sounds so much better!

For a second, Sheukki thought about just turning around to leave – why? ‘cause he’s not nice? He hasn’t yet really been not nice. Because of the laughter? She doesn’t’ like that? Because imagiation’s turning him (I exaggerate… maybe) into sthing monstrous? Etc.

Then someone shouted some nasty words inside. – ha.
Knocking is polite. She’s not that polite near the end! Can be described differently =)
_

So some basic concepts are unclear. She’s a messenger and I don’t understand what tools she uses to get message delivered, and there was a lot of space and words directed in that uh direction. I don’t get the special legs. They’re normal legs? Just ordinary fast ones? Same applies to sun. I think (but only think and guess) that all’s normal. Right?
Right, I may have out-dated notions about emperors. My emperor may not be your emperor. But he’s an emperor (hear me wail). He makes war, peace and decides for lives of thousands and ah! Knows (innocently) names of maids? Well, Cook. And name wasn’t mentioned. But the premise is the same.

He’s likeable. Maybe too likeable, and maybe that’s why I dislike him. He’s like that White Queen in Alice in Wonderland with Depp, who promised to not hurt anyone and asked Alice to hurt someone for her. Contradictions.

Nice to her cause she carried messages for him on a regular basis, knows her, etc. But I think that too much of a big deal was made with making him ordinary. Fatherly, likeable.

Pigdeon guy – fun guy to read about, scene with him was fantastic. Fantastic (apart from the sketchy into). Merits a second repetition. Fantastic.

My overly complicated description problem. Maybe just add more references to how how she acts affects her (like the running). Or doesn’t affect her. Or maybe it’s just my paranoia. I tell you, watched ‘Omen’ with my mom the other day, and I didn’t want to leave her room.

Worldbuilding is wonderful. Everything adds up to create a smooth, seamless world (well apart from running and sun): so, events, phrasing, sounds (bell), descriptions etc etc. And all this is done w/o info-dumping! It’s all somehow in between lines. Sneaky, I said. I’m so impressed I’m green with envy.

Pacing – it read really, really well, so fast and quick that I didn’t notice when all the text melted away and suddenly I was at the end of the piece. Masterfully done =)

Oh. Yeah, one more thing, I don’t know how to pronounce her name. I won’t admit to how it sounds in my head.

Well. Keep on going in the same style for the next hundred thousand words, or so, ok? Don’t you dare stop. What you have here is superb!

Very much envious,
Esme

Hello Rachael, tis me, your faithful follower!

Yay, first chapter posted! I'm glad to be the first. Now, on to the nitpicks.

This wasn’t very fair of her, she knew, since the sun didn’t have any tile floors that she knew of, but racing was even more fun than just running was and she was sure the sun didn’t mind at all.

“Good Dawn, Sheukki,” the emperor said with a smile, and he crouched down until his eyes were level with hers.