The Sun has had enough of us for one day.
It turns a cold shoulder, shrouding us in shadows.
Through the clouds over the meadows, it has seen more than it can handle,
But it will just come right back to us first thing tomorrow.
Tomorrow, like today, the men will fight on the soil, carving footprints with their boots.
And the Sun will cringe away in disappointment.
Because their footprints weren't deep enough. Weak bastards.
They strut out here, proclaiming courage, only to realize that the Gods took a break
from watching their movie.
But the men aren't movie stars,
They are merely stardust,
Waiting to be reclaimed by the heavens.
The Sun looks down on them, twenty-four-seven,
looking down on them because they think they beat nature.
They fight to show strength, and display nothing but weakness.
Just one sneeze and they'll be blown away, windless.
And as they pull their blanket of clouds up to their chins,
the Gods start in fright as the cannons boom.
They laugh as the predictable film rolls on the screen,
but there's a glare. They can't quite make out which side is which,
but then again,
neither can we.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,995 Reviews
Hi QTs
I'm gonna do a review o;
I like the general ideas you guys have rolling. The "God Playing Sims" and "Humanity Thinking They're Bigger Than They Are" concepts are fun to play around with. And in my opinion, the execution was almost there. However (and it may be because you wrote this with two different perspectives / mindsets), the piece has a few inconsistencies that I'd like to point out. They're easily rectifiable; I just think that tweaking certain parts of the piece would strengthen the message that you're trying to get across.
Since you're talking about the future, I'd change "weren't" to "won't be" or "aren't". That's just a minor slipup. Regarding the line 'Weak bastards.': I think it just takes up unnecessary space. The message you're trying to communicate with the previous two lines is basically "humans are weak bastards." You're saying it already; you don't have to spell it out for the reader by putting it simply. Don't show then tell. Just show, and that should be enough.
"Took" should be "have taken". Also, I think Alice is right; breaking up that line would smoothen the flow of the verse.
By far my favorite line. I could tell from the moment I read it that it would be my favorite line. It portrays fantastic imagery and throws reality in my face like a blast of cool air on a hot day. It sums up your entire theory in a single statement, while also incorporating wordplay (and an appropriate amount of punniness, if I do say so myself
"Twenty-four-seven" looks weird to me, like it's some kind of secret code. 24/7 or even 24-7 would work tons better, just because it's more conventional (not that I don't appreciate unconventionality, but there's something to be said for simplicity where it's necessary). You're already sinking us deep in one big ocean of a metaphor; don't drown us with overcomplication.
Also, there's too much repetition for my taste. Between "The Sun looks down on them..." and the next line, "looking down on them...". But I think I know what you're trying to say, so I'll offer a suggestion:
"The Sun watches over them, 24/7
looking down on them, as if scoffing at their pompous desire to conquer nature."
If the film was predictable, I don't think the Gods would elicit any emotion of surprise or fear. Or laughter, to be honest. I don't think the failure of humanity is especially hilarious, especially since, according to some beliefs, humanity was created by the Gods. I'd expect the Gods to either be horrified, or perhaps disappointed. Maybe even amused. But I don't think they'd laugh outright at the fact that their own creation's level of accomplishment is underwhelming.
I liked the ending; it was clever. It really brings the "man-is-prone-to-war" idea full circle, and stresses to the reader that often the meaning and the worth of fighting proves less than the casualties. People often do not even fully understand what they're fighting for.
I'd have to agree with cleverclogs in that the way you flip between the Sun and the Gods is very jumpy and inconsistent. I like the usage and characterization of the Sun in the first two stanzas, but in the second-to-last stanza, I might suggest replacing "Sun" with "Gods", just to reinforce the central idea of the poem instead of clinging onto the Sun metaphor like you would your mother's leg on the first day of kindergarten. Don't be a nervous kindergartener. Step out in front of the class and say your name so loud they can't forget it. Make the central themes in the poem stand out by utilizing the appropriate literary tools, but don't act like like the tools can pull the weight all by themselves.
After reading the rest of the wonderful reviews you've gotten, I realize that I may've repeated a few things. Well, take what you will. Overall, I enjoyed this. With some improvement, it could be one of the best collaborative poems I've seen on here.
Hopefully this didn't lack too much in quality :b
Love,
Sav
Thanks<3
"God Playing Sims". That song.lol I was thinking of that song when I wrote that.
wait, was the song your inspiration? pls tell me it was.just a little bit<3
Hey Candypickle! clogs here to review!
This is such an interesting poem. So many layers. I'm still not quite sure about the meaning of everything, so let's see if I can better figure it out as I review.
First of all, I thought it was a little strange how you used both the Sun and the Gods in judging the people. It made the poem seem unfocused. The stuff with the sun just kind of got left there as you turned to flesh out the stuff with the Gods and the movie. Maybe just stick with one of those two, or find a way to connect them in the end.
The first stanza was a really great beginning. I loved how you opened with the personification of the sun. It pulled me in as a reader. Great job there!
This line seemed out of place to me. The rest of this poem is thoughtful, although gently sarcastic at some points. This line is just flat-out ironic. I don't think it meshed with the rest of the poem, especially since you didn't really follow up on it. I think you could probably just remove it altogether without replacing it. Then, the reader would be left to infer why the sun was "cringing away in disappointment".
The shift to the Gods here after reading all the stuff about the Sun kind of threw me off, and it sort of came out of nowhere. Maybe you can try building up to it a bit more or something? Also, I'm not sure of the meaning of the Gods taking a break from their movie. The rest of the poem, they're watching the movie, so the thing with the break was never really followed up on.
Love the third stanza. It reminds me of the insignificance of humans. <3
In these lines, you use the phrase "looks/looking down on them" twice. It's a little too soon to use it a second time. Maybe see if you can find a replacement for the use of that phrase in the second line.
Also, I thiiink it's twenty-four/seven, but I'm not sure. It might be twenty-four seven, but I don't think there's a triple dash.
The last stanza is great. I love the imagery of the "blanket of clouds," and how they can't tell which side is which. That sounds familiar.
It seemed odd to me that the Gods would "start in fright" if the film is predictable. It also seemed odd that you described them being frightened right before describing them laughing. It doesn't really follow logically. Maybe say that they're impassive to the cannons or something? Sorry for my unhelpful suggestion, but hopefully you can find a way to resolve that problem yourselves.
Other than those things, everything was great. The punctuation and capitalization were spot-on. Congrats on writing such a great poem! You should be proud of yourselves
Anyway, thanks for writing this! I really enjoyed it!
Thank you so much, clogs! Also, "Candypickle". Love it<333
I really appreciate you taking the time to help us out!
Hey, great review! Thank you so much!
Hey Guys!
I really liked this poem and it's awesome to see you two together, writing together! I didn't find anything wrong with this poem except like I thought some lines should have not been so long and you know a couple little things.
I'm going to jump right in:
"They strut out here, proclaiming courage, only to realize that the Gods took a break
from watching their movie. "
I think the line above is too long and just seems awkward when you're reading it outloud. Try this maybe:
"They strut out here, proclaiming courage, only to realize that
the Gods took a break from watching their movie. "
Ending the line at 'that' just sounds better.
"They fight to show strength, and display nothing but weakness. Just one sneeze and they'll be blown away, windless."
This is the same case as the one above. I think the line is too long and it just confuses me to why you didn't just do this:
"They fight to show strength, and display nothing but weakness.
Just one sneeze and they'll be blown away, windless."
Other than that I loved this poem! Great job guys!
Alice ♥
Thanks, Alice! You're review was lovely! Yeah, I think we separated the lines like that on the WFP, but it must have gotten mixed up in translation. Thanks again!
No problem! It seemed a bit off there but something else was wrong <3
Hello, CandyWizard and Caterpickle. Keepwriting here with a review for you.
I have to say I liked the first half of this, but then I got lost and didn't understand what the poem was about. I almost felt insulted, but then I thought you were talking about some group of people--maybe soldiers... ouch. I didn't understand the meaning of it. Were you trying to teach me something? I just found myself lost in the words.
Also the description could be read from anyone 11-older so I would put the word "shit" there but anywayI don't know what to say really. I know it's hard when two people are writing a poem but I think you two can do sooo much better and I'd like to see it. Don't take this as offensive I just don't care for it. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keep
P.s. Sorry the review was so negative. I don't try to sound condescending.
From reading your "review", I could tell that you didn't understand what we were talking about. Which is ok, people interpret things differently. But, no, we weren't insulting soldiers, or any specific group of people, but more like humanity in general. We were writing about how people fight so much and for so long that they for get what and who they are fighting for. We were saying that the cause of all this violence in our world has become lost in the fray, like someone pulled clouds over a clear sky. Hence the poem's title.
The description was reflecting out anger at the situation described above. Yes, "shit" may have been going too far, ok. You're probably right about that one.
And, yes it is very difficult to write a poem with another person. You said that we can do better, but you weren't very specific. This whole review, actually, was very vague. If you could be more specific, that would be great. If you can't, well...we'll cross that bridge if the need arises. That's for the attempted review, and have a nice day!