Would you cry if one day I was gone,
or would you coldly simply move on?
I made myself available to you at all times
I gave you all my waking hours, all of my free time.
The more you supply something, though,
the more its price becomes lowered.
So, if a time comes when I should ever take my leave,
I ask you: would my absence even be perceived?
What else am I to do to retain your attention
but limit the supply of fourth dimension
I provided you until the point where
you stopped showing that you care?
When a part of your life I am no more,
will you be fond of me like you were before?
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Hello there! Here we have a sad poetry for being unwanted or unappreciated by someone you really care for. I noticed the slight rhyme that have been put into the work but it did not stay for the whole poetry. The first two lines are okay for me even if people say that the second line there needs to correction. Maybe I just find it less problematic in my mind, the rhyme is still there. But maybe it can be changed to better, who knows. I am glad that you have not missed the punctuation and right capitalization because it sometimes happens when someone decided to write a poetry.
The only thing I could say is that when the second stanza starts, I realized that this 'use of punctuation' actualy does not end there. Thing that may happen is that you use it right here but forget to use it there, good job for not forgetting to put the comma or fullstop you need in the exact place.
It is right that the rhyme could be better but it is not bad at all and better than what I could imagine I would read so it is totally okay. As other may have said, your last stanza/two lines are the most wonderful ones. I love beautiful endings to sad poetries.
Have a good day and keep on writing!
Dear CandyWizard,
First off, I read this and loved it. It didn't realize it was you who wrote it though until after! Fancy one of my first days back on here I get to read one of your poems.
I quite enjoyed the first two lines. It rhymed well and flowed. It definitely caught my attention right away and I knew the rest of it would be well written. A good introduction for any writing is essential!
I liked the concept of the more you give, the more they expect, and then you become taken for granted. The theme is very good and I'm sure it is one that many can relate to. Realism is sometimes easier to relate to than idealism!
Very well written!
~Rose
Hi Can~
I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours, so I thought I'd drop by. ^^
I thought your poem definitely conveyed the message you were trying to get across. Furthermore, it seemed like you executed your ideas successfully enough and in a light that made me feel some of what you were feeling, which is a connection I think writers should be able to have with their readers. Overall, I think you did a nice job. However, there are some things that could use improvement:
Like the two reviewers before me (sorry for repeats. I started this review last night.), the double adverb threw me off. "coldly simply". "coldly simply". I have to say it a few more times than that to get it to roll of the tongue. Anyway, it entirely stops the flow, which kind of inhibits the smooth progression of the rest of your poem, since it's only in the second line. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to suggest for this. The problem I'm coming to is that I don't know if you'll decide to carry a rhyming pattern throughout your entire piece. For instance:
Rhymes, and
no rhymes.
As the rest of your poem continues, you disperse some rhyming in seemingly random patterns throughout. I saw below that initially, rhyming wasn't what you were going for, and it's a little rocky in places. If you decide you want a rhyming poem, then I would change "or would you coldly simply move on" to "or would you simply just move on" because it flows. The problem, I think, with rhyming poems is that they have more difficulty displaying emotion and imagery, because the words need to conform to a specific mold. Your poem has a lot of potential emotion, especially with the topic you've chosen. I, personally, wouldn't worry about the rhyme too much, and instead focus on letting that emotion flow (which sometimes requires description that rhyme doesn't always allow for).
I think I know what you mean here, but the wording is a little awkward. There's not any feeling really being evoked here. It's like you're throwing a fact at me. I would suggest changing it to "the expense of love lowers/ the more often it's supplied" or something like that. I don't know. Just something smoother, y'know? Maybe italicize the words to add a little more dynamic.
I really like this line! It's polished and it really makes me feel the irritation and helplessness that the narrator is experiencing. It's perfect. I find myself enjoying the rhyme in these two lines.
The transition between the second and third line is a little weak. I really like your first two lines; they're clever and they flow well. I would have been satisfied if you had just ended that verse after "dimension", but instead, you carry the question until the end of the stanza. I would suggest moving that question mark to the end of the second line, and make the next two lines more of a statement. "I've given you so much of it that/ you've stopped showing that you care." Oh, crap. Rhyming. "I've given you all I had to the point where/ you've stopped showing that you care." Or something.
Those last two lines are just gold.
I don't know if you were the narrator in this case, but if so,
tell me who's taking you for granted so I can beat up the loserI think that your emotion really came through to the reader. With a few minor improvements, I think you can really make this into something great.Best of wishes
Savvy <3
Thank you, Savvy! I just had this general feeling of being unwanted, and instead of posting a status I decided to write a poem. It's not that anyone made me feel that way in particular, I suppose it was like a general feeling of melancholy.
I really appreciate your review, I wish I got more like it! Have a wonderful day! <3
Hi! Nice job here. Just a few comments.
I agree with the previous review about that very first line; putting those two adjectives didn't really flow. I think just taking out coldly or simply would work just fine.
Also, I commend you on the rhyme scheme. However the lines where you go "I made myself available to you at all times
I have you all my waking hours, all of my free time" could be improved.
Of course rhyming time with time isn't necessarily bad but I think you could so something even better with that. I would suggest something like "I gave you all my waking hours, all that was mine." It gives you a different word to rhyme time with and it also is a bit more dramatic which I think would add to your poem.
Next, I think you really strayed from your flow in the next couple lines: "The more you supply something, though,
The more it's price became lowered."
It left your rhyme scheme and I also think it was a little simple. Since your talking about this deep personal feeling of being under appreciated and taken for granted, I think you add way more drama to that. Especially by using words like "I" and "me" because the personal input will make it instantly more easy to sympathize with.
I like that you took up your rhyme scheme once more after that because it was really working for the poem. In your fourth stanza, I think the question mark would go after your second one. And I think you could also go less simple with those last two lines in that stanza.
Finally, I lovvvvveeeeddddd your 2 ending lines. They were completely brilliant. Nice work. Sorry if this was a little long.
Hey, thanks for reviewing. You're fine - it isn't too long. ^^
Hey CandyWizard! Glauke here with a review
I really liked this poem. I love the concept behind it - it's something I (and most everyone else, I'm sure) can really relate to.
I did have a few nitpicks, though. I'll just dive right in:
Okay, so the first thing I noticed was your use of two adverbs back-to-back.
Adverbs in general should be used only when absolutely necessary - in general it's best to avoid them if at all possible. This is for a reason: often they interrupt the flow of a piece. Using two in a row definitely did that. I know that sometimes you have to stretch in order to maintain a rhyming pattern, but this just didn't read right at all. My suggestion would be to maybe replace "coldly" with "just"? I don't know. But "coldly simply" just didn't flow.
"Times" does rhyme with "time", but there are other words that do too.
This is such a great concept, and it made me sad because the rhyming pattern and the "flow" just disappear completely. Try phrasing this differently so that this aphorism gets appreciated. It deserves it, the poor little guy.
This was a good stanza. No complaints here. Good job.
I liked your little allusion here. I always love it when poets draw inspiration from other disciplines (math, science, etc.). That was solid.
This was good too - I liked how you added another dimension there at the end.
Okay, so overall:
This poem has a lot of potential. Again, I really like the concept a lot. I think that with a little bit of polishing, this could be fantastic.
The primary issue, I would say, was readability. I found it really hard to focus on what you were saying because the way you were presenting it was inconsistent. Try to follow a pattern of some sort so that the content of the poem really gets across.
I hope I didn't sound too critical or nitpicky - I really did like this. Don't let my criticisms convince you otherwise. Thanks so much for posting this, I really enjoyed it.
Let me know if you have any questions or anything, I'd be glad to help
Glauke
Hello, and thank you for reviewing!
I didn't originally intend to have rhymes, so I didn't pay attention to the first few lines. I really appreciate your review, it really helps.